dudesndivorce.com

 Okay dudes – the most important Man Event of the year is almost upon us . . . SUPERBOWL! It is vital that we take our preparations for this seriously! Nothing, short of no T.V. access, can ruin a Superbowl Sunday quicker than a lack of snackage and one of the foundations of quality snackage is CHIPS. Salty and crunchy they are perfect with nearly any beverage and go well with a wide range of dips and toppings. I’d like to offer a couple easy to make, sure fire standbys that will help insure optimal Super Sunday Snacking:

Cheesy Rotel:

Okay this is beyond a doubt one of the easiest dips to make and goes well with any chip. Simply cut up ¼ of a large block of Velveeta Cheese into cubes about the size of a quarter, put these into a microwave safe container with a small, drained, can of Rotel (some prefer chunky salsa instead) and heat on low in the microwave until the cheese is melted. (you’ll have to take it out a few times and stir the mixture to insure even melting). That’s it! As soon as it’s well melted you can start in with the dipping of the chips! Goes well on baked potatoes, fries and even brats or burgers! It’s darn near perfect! ~:?)

Chili Cheese Nacho Dip:

Nachos are wonderful stuff – food of the gods I tell you! food of the gods. An easy and tasty way to put these together is to either use some of your own home made chili or buy a can of the better quality stuff at the store. Cut up a quarter block of Velveeta (as above), add a cup of sharp, shredded, cheddar cheese, the can of chili (or a couple cups of your own stuff) and about a tablespoon of McCormicks chili seasoning (sold in little envelopes at the store), mix together and heat on low in the microwave (stirring occasionally) until the cheese is melted. pour this mixture over the corn chips and top with jalapenos, black olives, onions . . . whatever floats your boat! I make this quite often for our Superbowl parties and my sons both love it.

So there’s a couple good, easy, recipes for chip dips . . . next time I’ll move up to some great meat dishes including something called Brat Boats that I think you’ll love, killer hot wings and finally my Recipe for BBQ ribs that are so good you’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven. (Actually one of the great theological questions of our time is how can heaven be heaven without BBQ ribs and yet how can people wearing pure white manage to eat ribs without some serious mess!) hmmmmmm.

Anyway – enjoy!

and . . . Be Well

Bill

Afternoon men, hope you are all enjoying a fine weekend.  We’ve been hit with some Winter Wonderfulness around my place with plenty of the white stuff and a shot of cold . . . I for one am SO ready for Spring!

Well you have probably noticed a few changes to the site, nothing really major as far as functionality but I would like to acknowledge that Mike over at SquarePeg Systems  (otherwise known to us as “Web Dude”) has really come through again!  Mike helped us through a botched upgrade attempt (let the record show that I was the one who botched it – a computer genius I ain’t!) and got us “squared” away.  Mike does excellent work, is helpful, friendly and always patient with what I am sure seem like stupid questions from Russ and I.  He’s also Bi-lingual!!  meaning he speaks both Computeresse and English! (a big plus for us!)  Mike is also very fair and honest in his pricing and Russ and I have always felt that we received an excellent return for our money.  Dudesndivorce highly recommends SquarePeg Systems for any computer related issues you might be having – we have a link up but I’ll put it here as well . . .  http://squarepegsystems.com/  Just ask for the Web Dude!  ~:?)  (Thanks Mike!)

You’ll also notice a couple new conveniences we’ve added to the site.  At the very top of the this section (right below the header) you’ll find we’ve added a Google Search bar.  Thought that might be helpful if you read something here you’d like to get more information on or have a desire to look something up while checking out our site.  The results page will open up in a new window so you don’t have to stray too far from our site as you chase down a particular thought or side interest.  Hope you find it helpful.

We’ve also added “The Dudes Recommend” carousel at the top of the sidebar – this will change from time to time as Russ and I find new things to recommend to our readers.  We’ll try to keep a good mix on there of helpful books (a good one on there right now about helping your kids out after a divorce), movies and fun stuff (Man Cave Sign – checkitout! ~:?) There is also an Amazon Search Box right under that Carousel to help you out if you’re looking for something in particular to purchase from Amazon.

To be honest – yes – we make a little money off of these (“LITTLE” being the operative word here!  just a few pennys per purchase) our hope is just to recoup some of the costs associated with producing this site for everyone.  We understand that divorced men are usually living on a tight budget so we don’t want anyone to buy anything they don’t need or can’t afford.  But if there is something you plan on buying anyway it won’t cost you any more to go through our links to do so and it WILL help us cover some of the expenses here.   Also – if you’d prefer – there is a pay pal donate button in the sidebar now as well.  Again we know funds are tight for divorced men but if you enjoy this site and would like to send a dollar or two our way we sure would appreciate it.  We’re not looking to get rich – just cover some of our costs; Thanks for thinking of us.

In other news . . . SUPERBOWL is almost here!  Colts vs Saints!  Might be a real good game eh? 

I think I’ll plan on posting some recipes for SuperBowl snack food in the next day or two – food being one of the most important parts of a good Superbowl experience! 

Until then enjoy the new additions to our site and of course, as always,

Be Well

Bill

In looking back I noticed that a topic which we’ve not talked a whole lot about here at dudesndivorce.com is how your relationship with your extended family changes after a divorce.  As you might recall from the first post in this series, (http://dudesndivorce.com/2010/01/16/the-post-divorce-theory-of-relate-tivity-friendships/), just like in Einstein’s theory the perceptions in the relational world also change as your point of reference moves from being married to being divorced.  This is true not only of your friendships but also in your relationship with your family of origin.

Of course every family is different; some are very supportive while others tend to be more judgmental or distant; also individual members differ in how they view divorce in general and your decision in particular.  But there are some patterns that I’ve noticed tend to come up pretty regularly and those are what I’d like to focus on here.

The first pattern is one of defensiveness not necessarily against you but against the threat that the reality of your decision poses to their convictions and world views.  While divorce does not carry with it the taboos that it once did in our culture there are still many people who disapprove of it in any but the worst circumstances.  Of course only you can say to what degree this applies to you but for some family members your divorce may present them with a real problem.  Why?  Because it moves the whole debate from the abstract into the personal.  While they may disagree with divorce in principle – they can’t help but see the positive effects doing so is having on your life.  It’s easy to get angry or to resent the struggle these family members are having with your personal decision.  But my suggestion is to just not challenge the matter head on.  Give them time to adjust.  It may turn out that your divorce will be something that they eventually accept or it may be that you’ll just have to learn to avoid the topic with them.  Either way the relationship will probably change somewhat.

The second pattern is also one of defensiveness but rather than centering around an abstract belief it strikes much closer to home for the other party; it basically revolves around a perceived threat to their own marriage.  I really think that for some people divorce must seem like a horrible and contagious disease that can be spread from one person to another.  There is often a tendency to shun someone as soon as they’ve announced that they’re getting a divorce.  I think this is especially true towards men – women I think tend to be more supportive of a fellow woman who is divorcing while men going through the same thing are to be avoided lest they encourage other men to do the same.  Within a family this can be seen as other members of the family who are perhaps dealing with some marital problems as well attempt to put distance between them and you.  Again this can be very difficult to deal with – we naturally want the support of our family and feeling that we’re being shunned can be incredibly discouraging and frustrating.  All I can suggest is to know that it’s a reality of human nature and try to focus on the family relationships that are stronger rather than attempting to force those who seem to need some distance.

A third, common, pattern in the reactions of families towards divorce is a tendency to take sides.  Seems to happen very frequently that as soon as the divorce is announced that family members begin to take positions on the matter.  That’s a normal human reaction of course and should be expected; but, unfortunately, our family does not always take our side on the matter.  You can expect that some of your family may feel that your ex-wife is being treated unfairly or that your mistakes in the marriage are largely to blame.  A lack of information in these matters rarely stops people from forming opinions or feeling that they are experts.  How you handle this depends largely on the culture of your family (not their ethnic culture but simply the habits or “way” your family deals with conflict).  Sitting everyone down and explaining very clearly why the divorce is happening may help but it could turn out that you just have to accept the fact that for now they aren’t going to be on your side and put some safe emotional distance between you and them.

Contrarily; there is also a pattern to react almost to the opposite extreme and take such a vitriolic and negative attitude against your ex that it can cause problems for your children.  It’s hard sometimes for family to remember that even through your ex-wife may have treated you very poorly that she is still the mother of your children and that they love her.  Hearing disparaging comments about their mother from aunts, uncles and grandparents not only hurts and confuses your children – it can make the whole divorce process even harder for them.  I will say that this is even true of second marriages in which it is the step-mother whom you are divorcing.  While the relationship between children and step-parents can be difficult there is still, very often, a connection that develops there and the negative attitude of extended family towards her needs to be tempered around the kids.  Sometimes the only way to deal with this is a direct, head-on, approach in which you explain how these comments should NOT be shared with your children.  Sometimes people act without thinking and just need to have things spelled out.

Finally, you may notice an element of sympathy creep into your relationships with family members.  This can be expressed in treating you with kid gloves, a hesitation to talk about the ex or the marriage (even in past tense), or bringing over lots of meals or offering to help with housework.  Of course this is often just the great and good support that families provide each other in tough times and shouldn’t be seen as a problem.  But it can also be taken to extremes or begin to put you into a role as somehow extra fragile or needy.  My advice is to accept their care-giving but look for ways to return the favor.  If your sister offers to help you with some housework – fine, but then offer to change her oil or do some yard work in return (for example).  If you notice that hesitation to discuss the past with your ex then occasionally bring it up yourself in conversation – if they see that you are comfortable with it then they will be as well.

In short – with all of these responses and reactions by family the underlying principle often at work is a lack of understanding – remember that divorce – especially YOUR divorce is often a new experience for them and they are fumbling their way through it just like you probably are.  Open, honest communication, patience and time are the best way to deal with these things as well as an occasional dose of maintaining healthy boundaries.

Hope this helps!

Be well

Bill

Hey dudes!  Been a while since I last put a recipe on here and with the cold weather and approach of the rainy season for so many of us I thought a great choice would be what I call Chicken Stewp.  What is a “stewp” you ask?  It’s that perfect combination of a thick, hearty stew and a savory soup, only way to go if you ask me!  This is what I make whenever I get in the mood for something to eat that is a little lighter than chili or beef stew and yet just as warming.  Total prep time is about half and hour but the longer you let it simmer the better.  I also direct you to use chicken breasts for this but to really do it right you need to make this after you’ve eaten a roast chicken and you use the frame (to put it nicely) of the roasting hen that’s left over.  If you do it that way you’ll need to plan on simmering the “frame” in the broth for about an hour and then picking off the remaining meat to add to the stewp.  But that’s a lot of time and fuss for a quick recipe (even though it makes a much better tasting bowl in the long run.)  This also works really good with left over turkey!

Anyway – on to the recipe:

2 frozen chicken breasts (thawed)

1 tablespoon crushed garlic

¼ cup olive oil

¼ small onion – diced

½ teaspoon black pepper

1 small pinch rosemary

½ teaspoon ginger

2 stalks celery – chopped

1 medium bag (or 4 cups) egg noodles (the thicker, frozen variety are best)

2 large cans, low-sodium, chicken broth (I prefer Swanson’s)

1 bag frozen mixed veggies of your choice

1 cup chopped baby portabella mushrooms

In a frying pan add oil, garlic and onion and set on medium heat.  Cube chicken breasts into pieces roughly the size of your thumbnail and add to frying pan.  You’ll want to sauté’ the chicken breasts until they just begin to turn a light, golden brown – set frying pan off heat.  In a large stock pot add broth, pepper, ginger, rosemary, celery and noodles and bring to a low, simmering boil; allow them to do so for about 10 minutes stirring occasionally, add entire contents of frying pan (chicken, garlic, onions and left over oil) to broth (be careful not to splash yourself) and add frozen veggies and mushrooms.  Turn down to low heat and allow the mixture to simmer for at least ten minutes.  It’s ready to serve! 

Alternately if you mix all of the ingredients in a crock-pot and allow to cook on low to medium for an hour or so (covered) I think you get a much better end product.

The variation on the ingredients is about endless . .  . I’ve added chopped cabbage before to very good effect.  Frozen veggie mixes come in a wide range and so you can experiment with which ones to use.  I usually prefer those with carrots and corn involved although some of the stir-fry mixes can be really good as well.  Just let your appetite be your guide.

Hope you like this one and don’t be shy to let me know what you found to improve it.

Happy eating! and until next time – Be Well!

Bill

Just in case I need to re-state the obvious – things change after a divorce.  In fact they change a LOT and in a lot of different areas in your life; from what you eat and drive to where you live and work – it ALL can be affected.  Probably one of the biggest areas of change though is in not only how but with whom you have relationships.  Just like with old Al’s theory things are not only relative according to your perspective in the physical realm – they also change in your relational world.  Some relationships are going to end pretty quickly (in-laws are probably not going to want to have much to do with you, nor will her friends) while others are going to make some drastic changes over time.  I want to touch on several types of relationships over the course of a few posts but I’ll start with friendships.

To start off I can’t emphasize enough how important to a divorced dude true friends are.  Family is great, kids are great, girl-friends are great all in their respective ways – but a small handful of close friends are really invaluable.  This constitutes one of those relative changes; while friends are of middle importance to a married man they are of MUCH greater import to a divorced one.  Why? because they provide a sense of normalcy, perspective, support and stress relief; let’s look at those individually:

Normalcy:   After a divorce your life makes some big changes.  You are no longer a married man and you find your place and role in the world deeply different than it was just a few short months before.  It’s easy to feel a little isolated and to wonder if the things you’re feeling and the challenges you’re facing are normal.  That’s where and when a few friends who are also divorced can really be a god-send!  I recall when I first went through a divorce and became a single parent that I had the very good fortune of making a few friends who were also divorced, single parents.  Can’t tell you how many times they helped me realize that they had also been though the same things I was facing and that I could make it through just like they had.  This is part of the reason Russ and I started dudesndivorce.com  – to help men feel a little less isolated out there in divorce-land.   This is critical for divorced men and something that can be best provided by a few close friends; especially male friends.  Guys have a way of telling it to you straight and letting you know when you’re drifting off base.

Perspective:  As many of you are only too aware the process of a divorce and the difficulties of dealing with your ex afterwards can become darn near all-consuming.  Eventually things settle down but for the first couple years life seems to center around custody, court, child support/alimony and negotiating visitation.  It’s really hard to keep your sense of perspective through all of that!  Seems as if your world is revolving around every phone conversation, every contact and every payment.  You can find yourself constantly looking for hidden meanings and suspecting hidden motives behind everything your ex-spouse says and does.  During that time it’s great to have a friend who’s been through that already and who can listen while you vent your frustrations and maybe help you take a step back now and then to take a broader view of the situation.  In fact, that function of friendship doesn’t cease being important after the initial phase passes on – I think it remains important throughout your life.  I’ve been divorced a long time now but every now and then Russ says something that helps me see that I’ve lost some perspective along the way.  When you are married your spouse normally provides that outside perspective and balancing function – but once divorced we have to depend a bit more on others in our life and a good friend is a pretty decent stand-in – at least in this regard.

Support:  You know support is one of those things that some men won’t admit a need for beyond a jock strap.  Something about the male persona causes many of us to deny the need for an outside source of emotional energy and support.  Not sure why that is but it is true none-the-less.  Now I don’t suggest that we all need a friend to hold our hand or carry us through every crisis.  But I will maintain that even the strongest amongst us need to have someone they can turn to now and then for some encouragement and a listening ear.  Divorce is HARD! It’ll suck every ounce of emotional energy out of you in no time flat.  You often feel like there’s no way to win, that you are being put through an industrial strength wood chipper and that all your options are shot.  Ex-wives know all of our emotional buttons and delight in pushing them repeatedly; finances are shot ta heck, kids are acting up or telling you they hate you . . . yeah . . . FUN TIMES!!!  When life gets that crazy there is just no way that any human being can go it alone for long without going bonkers or turning to a friend.  Even if it’s just getting together for dinner and a game or two of bowling or to watch a game – having the company of someone who isn’t piling more stress on you and who might actually be interested in hearing you unload some of your own is priceless.  That’s not something that only applies during the time immediately before and after a divorce.  The need for the support of a friend remains important long after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.

Stress Relief:  One of the things I always know I can count on from Russ is that he and I can get each other laughing in all but the absolutely worse times.  Can’t tell you how often I’ve called him up when I was in the middle of a crisis and before the call was done we were cracking each other up.  We can also have a great conversation about movies, football, food, politics and just the crazy day to day stuff that happens to us all.  Maybe that doesn’t sound like much but believe me it is one of the things I value most about my friendship with Russ.  Divorce in particular and life in general can really build up the stress levels till you think you’re going to scream!  Be it some idiot at work, problems with the car or a huge and unexpected bill – there’s always something putting on the pressure.  That’s why I value the resource I have in a great friend like Russ – someone I can call up and tell about the moron at the office and who will empathize with his signature statement “some people’s children!”  Now I agree that it takes time to build and develop a friendship like that – Russ and I have been working on it for over 30 years now!  But even a fairly new friend is usually good for sharing some laughs with and that is a very important (and often under appreciated) contribution that friends can make to our lives.

Having said all this great stuff about friendships I can imagine that there are some men out there who find themselves currently without any close friends.  It’s not unusual for men to focus so much energy on work and family that they never take the time to develop outside friendships; so when a divorce happens they are pretty much left isolated.  Well gentlemen – it’s never too late to start!  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts it’s a good idea after a divorce to get involved in some social activities; church, clubs, civic organizations . . . not only are they great ways to start rebuilding your life they are rich sources of potential friends as well.  Start attending and don’t be afraid to take the initiative to start a conversation.  That’s how most friendships start.

Next post we’ll focus on the relationships we have with our children and how those change with a divorce and how to make that change easier and healthier for everyone.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill

So I have a question; how many of you believe in magic?  No I don’t mean the presto-chango, hey what’s that coin doing behind your ear, sleight of hand brand.  I’m talking about the “REAL STUFF” the kind of magic that Harry Potter would be proud of.  I’m just taking a shot in the dark here but I’d guess that very few of you believe that the Lord of the Rings was a docu-drama.  As adults most of us realize that the laws of physics that govern the real, physical world prohibit that kind of magic, sad as that may be.  The reality is that there is cause/effect that work/effort produces results and that without the one you can’t have the other.

That being established I’ve noticed a tendency of people coming out of a divorce to believe in what I will call the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.  Basically this belief is that once one gets a divorce all of his/her relationship problems are somehow resolved and future relationships are fulfilling, stable and wonderful.

I’ve mentioned a time or two on this blog that often the laws of physics have their parallels in the emotional/psychological/spiritual as well and this is a perfect example of that truth.  You can not have a result (i.e. a great relationship) with out work/effort (i.e. learning and doing what makes a relationship work).  Relationships – by their very nature – take two and while you can have one partner who is short-changing the relationship or engaging in relationship destroying behaviors more than the other it’s still true that we all have lessons to learn in this regard. 

Think of it this way – if you want to have a houseplant that is lush and green and healthy you have to learn what the plant needs and discipline yourself to consistently provide it with those requirements.  To the degree you fail to do those things the plant will suffer and in extreme cases it may die.  Well if the plant dies and you get rid of it and buy another don’t the same principles still apply?  Don’t you STILL need to learn what the plant needs and still endeavor to provide those things?  The basic laws of plant physiology don’t suddenly somehow change just because you have a new plant.

Yet, somehow, many divorced dudes come to believe something similar when the get a divorce.  They probably don’t think it through really but never the less they seem to assume that since they got rid of the “dead” relationship of their marriage that their next one will somehow be much different, much healthier even if they don’t bother to learn or change or do anything different.  In essence they believe in magic; that they will be able to reap results without putting in effort.  In short they believe in the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.

Truth be told I really wish such a thing existed!  How great would that be eh?  Just wave a wand and “abbacadabra!!” poof! All your relational woes are gone.  Be a great thing if it were so – but, unfortunately, it isn’t and thus we have to put in the hard work and effort to learn how to conduct a healthy relationship and apply ourselves to putting those lessons into practice.  Yeah it’s not real easy but it DOES reap some pretty amazing rewards over time.

Hope this was helpful and as always . . .

Be Well!

Bill

In this final post of our series on deciding when to stay or when to leave your marriage I want to focus on safety.  I don’t think this is something that most men give much thought to.  Seems that most guys just assume that there isn’t much to worry about in this area and our culture conditions men to dismiss safety concerns in relationships to a much larger degree than women.  But I think it’s an important area to consider never-the-less. 

First of all not all safety threats are physical.  There can be real threats to a persons mental and emotional health that are every bit as dangerous.  I’ve seen relationships in which chronic self-destructive behaviors on the part of one spouse was slowly destroying the other.; I’ve even seen a suicide that resulted from this type of situation.  Persistent infidelity can slowly destroy the heart and soul of the betrayed partner.  Chronic substance abuse can put huge stressors on a mate’s mental, emotional and financial health as they struggle to deal with the lies, manipulations and dysfunction of the addict.  Mental health issues in a partner can also create a hellish existence for their spouse.  Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not suggesting that married life is all sweetness and light.  There WILL be times in every marriage when one partner is sick or unemployed or depressed or grieving or SOMETHING that places a large burden on their husband or wife.  That’s part of why we make those deep commitments when we exchange marriage vows.  Don’t be a fair weather spouse and use that as an excuse to bail at the first sign of trouble.  No – what I’m talking about here is situations in which you realize that you’ve reached a point where your spouse is on a self-destruct course, that they are NOT going to turn it around and they are sucking you and your children down with them.  When you reach that realization (and it can be a difficult one to accept) then sometimes the only option left for you is to leave. 

Second; note the comment about your children – remember that they depend on their parents for everything – including a safe environment in which to grow up.  There are times and situations in which if it were just you and your spouse – two adults without any children – you could stay, put yourself through the hell and possibly pull your spouse out as well.  But if you have children then their needs come foremost.  If the marital environment has become so toxic that you, as an adult, are struggling to stay healthy, then just imagine what it is doing to them; a gnarled old oak can survive weather that would kill a sapling. 

Third; we often tend to minimize safety risks.  Sort of the boiled frog situation in which things are getting hotter and hotter but we’ve kinda gotten so used to them being that way that we loose perspective.  Often times we wake up to the true level of danger only after it is too late for ourselves or our children.  Ask yourself this question – if a good friend, family member or child were in your shoes what would you tell them?  What are your friends and family telling you?  How bad have things really gotten?  It’s a tough question to answer but you are the only one who can so it’s worth some serious thought.

Finally – if you are being physically attacked then the situation is grave.  As people we can do a lot of ugliness to each other but tend to hold off on the physical violence until things have really gotten bad.  If your spouse is able to cross that last line in the relationship then the problem has become critical and you have some very tough and very urgent choices to make.  Not just for yourself but for your children as well.  Few things are more destructive to a child’s social and emotional development that witnessing violence between their parents.  As with all of the posts in this series I won’t tell you to go or to stay but in the case of violence you certainly have to be willing to consider all your options.

I hope this series was helpful.  I’d appreciate whatever feedback or input you’d like to give on the topic.  I’m sure I didn’t think of everything and some of you doubtless have some thoughts that would add a lot of value to men struggling with the decision of going or staying.  Would love to hear from you!

Until next time – Be Well

Bill