Comments on: Come on in and have a seat! http://dudesndivorce.com/2008/09/09/come-on-in-and-have-a-seat/ Information, Resources and Support for Men Wed, 14 Jul 2010 11:20:38 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: paul http://dudesndivorce.com/2008/09/09/come-on-in-and-have-a-seat/comment-page-1/#comment-8 paul Thu, 18 Sep 2008 20:25:25 +0000 http://dudesndivorce.com/?p=7#comment-8 hi, Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell This book is not about divorce, but about trusting your "gut" feeling. The study on divorce just happened to resonate with me. As far as venting, I've done my fair share. After witnessing my own experiences as well as others, and reading and listening to volumes of materials ranging from relationships to spirituality (christian, buddist, eastern, etc.,), I've finally developed some sense of peace; I wish I could have found it without going through a crisis. Although I am not where i choose to be, I no longer have a sense of dread. The circumstances surrounding me have not changed (perhaps they are even worse; I have changed. It was either change or lose my sanity. For a time, I was not sure if I was rationalizing that I have changed and was more peaceful, or if I really was feeling better. But because I no longer endlessly replay all the things that went wrong, and who did what to me, and I shouldn't be here, and all the what ifs of the future, I find that I now sleep very well. I use sleep as the barometer of my wellness. Perhaps all the reading had nothing to do with this, and simply it was a matter of time before I would have gotten to this place anyway. Regardless, things are better than before. Take care, paul hi,
Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking
by Malcolm Gladwell

This book is not about divorce, but about trusting your “gut” feeling. The study on divorce just happened to resonate with me. As far as venting, I’ve done my fair share. After witnessing my own experiences as well as others, and reading and listening to volumes of materials ranging from relationships to spirituality (christian, buddist, eastern, etc.,), I’ve finally developed some sense of peace; I wish I could have found it without going through a crisis. Although I am not where i choose to be, I no longer have a sense of dread. The circumstances surrounding me have not changed (perhaps they are even worse; I have changed. It was either change or lose my sanity. For a time, I was not sure if I was rationalizing that I have changed and was more peaceful, or if I really was feeling better. But because I no longer endlessly replay all the things that went wrong, and who did what to me, and I shouldn’t be here, and all the what ifs of the future, I find that I now sleep very well. I use sleep as the barometer of my wellness. Perhaps all the reading had nothing to do with this, and simply it was a matter of time before I would have gotten to this place anyway. Regardless, things are better than before.
Take care,
paul

]]> By: russ http://dudesndivorce.com/2008/09/09/come-on-in-and-have-a-seat/comment-page-1/#comment-7 russ Thu, 18 Sep 2008 09:24:13 +0000 http://dudesndivorce.com/?p=7#comment-7 Hello Paul, I think you and Bill hit on a similar theme I experienced to some extent in my marriage/divorce and that is the respect, or lack of it, issue. If you don't have mutual respect in the marriage it is more than likely going to suffer some serious hardships. But, like Bill, I hope you may see a turn around despite everything. Good Luck! Russ Hello Paul,
I think you and Bill hit on a similar theme I experienced to some extent in my marriage/divorce and that is the respect, or lack of it, issue. If you don’t have mutual respect in the marriage it is more than likely going to suffer some serious hardships. But, like Bill, I hope you may see a turn around despite everything. Good Luck!

Russ

]]> By: Bill http://dudesndivorce.com/2008/09/09/come-on-in-and-have-a-seat/comment-page-1/#comment-6 Bill Thu, 18 Sep 2008 02:27:44 +0000 http://dudesndivorce.com/?p=7#comment-6 Hey Paul! Thanks for dropping in and visiting. I'm sorry to hear that you may be facing a divorce it sounds like something you really don't want and that makes it even tougher. I take it she isn't interested in marriage counseling? I really appreciate what you had to say in your post and I think you've really hit on something. That attitude of “impenetrable stubbornness” or "contempt" was strong in my second marriage (I called it hard heartedness). . . seemed like there was no way I could ever do anything right or or that she respected. I'm interested in this book you mentioned as well; what was the author's name? Sounds like an informative read! Well it may not be much but feel free to unload anytime you want; you aren't alone in this stuff and it's good sometimes to talk with guys who've gone through the same thing eh? I think you'll find that there are times you just need to vent and other times when you'll read something that someone else has gone through and it helps knowing that other men are going through this stuff as well. Look forward to talking with you again soon Bill Hey Paul! Thanks for dropping in and visiting. I’m sorry to hear that you may be facing a divorce it sounds like something you really don’t want and that makes it even tougher. I take it she isn’t interested in marriage counseling? I really appreciate what you had to say in your post and I think you’ve really hit on something. That attitude of “impenetrable stubbornness” or “contempt” was strong in my second marriage (I called it hard heartedness). . . seemed like there was no way I could ever do anything right or or that she respected. I’m interested in this book you mentioned as well; what was the author’s name? Sounds like an informative read!

Well it may not be much but feel free to unload anytime you want; you aren’t alone in this stuff and it’s good sometimes to talk with guys who’ve gone through the same thing eh? I think you’ll find that there are times you just need to vent and other times when you’ll read something that someone else has gone through and it helps knowing that other men are going through this stuff as well.

Look forward to talking with you again soon

Bill

]]> By: paul http://dudesndivorce.com/2008/09/09/come-on-in-and-have-a-seat/comment-page-1/#comment-5 paul Thu, 18 Sep 2008 01:45:23 +0000 http://dudesndivorce.com/?p=7#comment-5 Hi, I am currently separated, and unless something significantly changes with my spouse, we will end up divorced. It's interesting to read your comments and personal insights, because they are so universal with all the people I've met going through similar situations. Although I understood the things my wife was displeased about in our relationship, I couldn't understand the level of hostility being so disproportionate to her grievences (no abuse or unfaithfulness); I couldn't understand what I have come to call her "impenetrable stubbornness" in not wishing to make any attempt to save our marriage. Then recently, I read a book called "Blink"; in it was a study where, with up to 95% accuracy, a psychologist was able to predict if a couple was going to divorce, based on viewing a 15 minute conversation (about nothing important) between the subjects. When asked to explain the remarkable ability to predict divorce, one trait, revealed by facial expressions, was the element that could forsee the future outcome of a couple: Contempt. The book continued to explain that anger is what you express towards your peer, and resentment towards a person of greater authority than you; contempt is for someone who you perceive to be beneath you. I don't know for certain that my wife has contempt for me, but it would seem to explain why all my efforts have had no effect. I wish you all well. take care, paul Hi,
I am currently separated, and unless something significantly changes with my spouse, we will end up divorced. It’s interesting to read your comments and personal insights, because they are so universal with all the people I’ve met going through similar situations. Although I understood the things my wife was displeased about in our relationship, I couldn’t understand the level of hostility being so disproportionate to her grievences (no abuse or unfaithfulness); I couldn’t understand what I have come to call her “impenetrable stubbornness” in not wishing to make any attempt to save our marriage. Then recently, I read a book called “Blink”; in it was a study where, with up to 95% accuracy, a psychologist was able to predict if a couple was going to divorce, based on viewing a 15 minute conversation (about nothing important) between the subjects. When asked to explain the remarkable ability to predict divorce, one trait, revealed by facial expressions, was the element that could forsee the future outcome of a couple: Contempt. The book continued to explain that anger is what you express towards your peer, and resentment towards a person of greater authority than you; contempt is for someone who you perceive to be beneath you. I don’t know for certain that my wife has contempt for me, but it would seem to explain why all my efforts have had no effect. I wish you all well.
take care,
paul

]]> By: joy http://dudesndivorce.com/2008/09/09/come-on-in-and-have-a-seat/comment-page-1/#comment-4 joy Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:56:56 +0000 http://dudesndivorce.com/?p=7#comment-4 Although I'm not a dude & know nothing of divorce, I love the idea behind this site. A much needed place for men to vent frustrations & share experiences in a safe environment. Many kudos, guys! Although I’m not a dude & know nothing of divorce, I love the idea behind this site. A much needed place for men to vent frustrations & share experiences in a safe environment. Many kudos, guys!

]]> By: musicman http://dudesndivorce.com/2008/09/09/come-on-in-and-have-a-seat/comment-page-1/#comment-3 musicman Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:15:25 +0000 http://dudesndivorce.com/?p=7#comment-3 The site looks great Bill. I am (fortunately)not really qualified to leave a thoughtful remark on this subject, but I've no doubt that many others will. The site looks great Bill. I am (fortunately)not really qualified to leave a thoughtful remark on this subject, but I’ve no doubt that many others will.

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