That’s what it feels like sometimes isn’t it? I’ve been through two divorces and both times it was like my whole life had been tossed in a blender set on “puree”. As if ending a marriage isn’t stressful enough you have lawyers involved, your finances are put in jeprody, your children are devistated, half your friends treat you like some sort of pariah and your worse enemy is someone who knows all your weak spots. FUN TIMES!!! So how do you survive it? I ‘m not talking about legal strategies here . . I mean quite literally how do you survive actually going through a divorce? Some guys don’t! I recently happened on a site out of Austrailia called Dads In Distress (http://dadsindistress.forumup.org/) it’s focus is on supporting men going through a divorce in order to reduce their risk of suicide! I think they have a good idea as does the site you are currently on. The key to survival for each man going through a divorce is finding his own supports; don’t let yourself become isolated!! Whether it’s family, friends, co-workers, the guys on your bowling league or a blog like this one it’s crucial to find people who will listen and who will be there for you. Because what you are going to go through will be one of the toughest times in your life and no matter how self-sufficient you think you are you’re going to need someone to bounce ideas off of and unload on. At least that’s what helped me survive both of my turns in “The Blender”.
When I began the process of my divorce my youngest child was already a junior in High School ( I have three children ). Because of their ages ( with two being adults ) I tried to relate to them honestly and, as much as I could, as adults. Still, their feelings were hurt. The family they had known all their lives was being torn asunder. Dad no longer wanted to be married to their Mom ( yes, I initiated the divorce ). They had some hard feelings towards me. This is/was natural.
I tried real hard to keep the lines of communication open. I made phone calls. I wrote letters. I wrote e-mails. I tried stopping by to visit. I nearly burnt myself out trying to keep in contact with them. But I met with a lot of reluctance or downright resentment! To be honest, I got real frustrated! I’d call my friends complaining and, yes, crying. To me, my own kids didn’t want me. And that hurt a lot. Right down to the very core of my being.
Then one of my friends said to me, “You can’t push a rope! You can’t make them do what they don’t want to do right now. Be patient, just let them know your still Dad, you still love them and you still will be there for them. And quit trying so hard, quit killing yourself. Let them deal with this, let them heal. Then, when they are ready, they will come to you.” Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten!
It’s still been hard. No lie! And I won’t lie to you, one of my kids still won’t talk to me ( the youngest ), but my relationships with my two older kids have really grown, and yes, I’d say, blossomed! Patience has paid off! Who’d a thunk it? I have faith that if I wait and stay true to myself the youngest will let me back in his life also.
Russ
