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Of all the issues that a parent can have to face, the specter of Child Abuse and/or Neglect is one of the hardest. Not only does it represent an actual assault upon your child or the neglect of their basic needs – it also involves a CPS (Child Protective Services) investigator and the organs of government – both of which can be pretty intimidating. As someone who works in CPS I can provide some general information on how to deal with these issues should they come up. However let me put forth a quick disclaimer first – CPS laws and policies are different not only in every state but also between regions or even counties in the same state and they are almost always changing. For that reason I am not going to get very specific but provide some general information and guidelines that should serve you well nearly anywhere.
- Hotline Calls; If you feel strongly that your child is being abused or neglected then by all means make a call to your state’s Child Abuse and Neglect Hotline Number (can normally be found in your telephone book). It is best if you have an idea who the suspected abuser was; their address and the date/time/place that the abuse took place. If there is a bruise or other physical evidence it is important to mention that fact as well. You don’t have to prove that abuse took place just have a reasonable suspicion. That being said though please understand that there is a difference under the law between poor parenting and Child Abuse/Neglect. Just because the ex-wife feeds them doughnuts every morning for breakfast doesn’t mean that she’s guilty of neglect. That’s an important point to remember. Avoid making frequent Child Abuse and Neglect hotline calls over relatively minor issues as many states have laws in place that will allow harassment through the Child Abuse Hotline to be prosecuted. It also uses up valuable time for a CPS investigator that could be utilized assuring the safety of a child in a much more dangerous situation. Again, if you have credible reason to believe that your child is expereincing abuse or neglect make the phone call! Doing so doesn’t mean that your child will automatically go into foster care but it does mean that a trained professional will look into your concerns.
If, on the other hand, you have had a hotline called in on you the best thing to do is to cooperate fully with the investigative process; arguing or loosing your temper isn’t going to help you any. Being able to provide information which supports your inocence is helpful such as school attendence records, notes from a doctor’s visit, name’s of persons who observed you and your child during the time period in question. And if you feel that you are being harrassed by someone through the hotline system (i.e. a call is made to CPS after every visit for bogus allegations) then talk to your local prosecuting attorney or lawyer about the possibility of persuing those charges in your state.
It may be necessary to attend parenting classes, counseling or a support group of some kind as the issues are worked out. Often times this can be a very helpful thing for all concerned and by cooperating with the process you help the CPS workers understand that you are a reasonable, responsible adult. (remember that they see a lot of unreasonable and unresponsible people in their line of work and it’s easy for them to classify you accordingly if you argue and resist at every turn)
I realize this isn’t an exhaustive treaties on the subject but it really doesn’t have to be; the basic facts to remember are to avoid the temptation of fighting your custody battles in the CPS system; keep any documentation concerning your children showing their proper care and cooperate if one is called in on you.
Hope this is helpful; we’ll finish up this series on Tuesday when we’ll look at relationship warfare and how it can impact custody concerns.
Until then be well
Bill
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Hi guys,
Perhaps you may remember I shared with you that I have 3 children. The youngest was almost out of High School when I filed for divorce. Naturally it was hard for him. While I was able to keep contact and relationships with my older two, he kept his distance. I tried keeping in contact with him just to let him know I still loved him and that I was there for him despite all the crap that was going on.
Well, it was hard for me, to be honest, him staying away and not calling. But I tried to be patient and understanding and with a lot of help from my friends, I think I made it through.
Wednesday he finally called! We spoke for over an hour and plan to get together this weekend! Apologies were made and accepted. And I hope we can move on and build on this phone call. No guarantees, of course, like anything else, it’s gonna take work. But it’ll be worth it.
And you also know what was great? When I shared this news with some of the friends that have stood by me ( or should I more accurately say, carried me? ) through this, they were nearly as happy as I was at the news! Thanks my friends, your the best.
See ya later,
Russ
Hello Guys!
I just wanted to stop by and wish everyone has a great Thanksgiving.
See ya later,
Russ
I don’t know of very many things that will turn otherwise sane, rational, adults into blithering lunatics faster than an ex-spouse and co-parent finding a new “significant other”. What was previously an endurable and moderately amicable custody arrangement will suddenly turn into the no-man’s land of World War III. What was always a private matter between you, your ex-spouse and your children is suddenly invaded by this third adult whose very presence can be threatening to some.
There are obviously a lot of factors at play here that might be good to think about. At the very least this new person is probably going to be spending a lot of time with the children and that can be a source of concern. Even if no one suspects them of being a child molester they are an adult in a position to influence the children and that can be a difficult thing for any parent, especially when they have no voice in the matter.
There is also an excellent chance that jealousy of some form or another is involved here. Even if both of you are good with the other dating there is still the matter of your children spending a lot of time with this other person. Hearing your children go on and on about all the neat stuff mommy’s new boyfriend says or does can get old very fast; after all as men we want our kids to look up to US – not some OTHER guy!
This other party also constitutes an ally for one spouse against the other and can be a very powerful influence on them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen or heard of a previously stable custody arrangement being thrown into chaos because the new paramour of one of the parents felt there was some inequity that needed to be dealt with. Custody arrangements are often maintained through an unspoken body of agreements and understandings and a new boyfriend/girlfriend – often in an effort to impress or protect – will put that delicate structure in shambles.
Finally the opposite parent may feel (rightly or not) that this new individual poses a danger to the children. We’ll discuss Child Abuse and Neglect matters in Saturday’s post but suffice it to say here that there is no worse feeling in the world than to know your children are being exposed to someone whom you feel is a danger to them and being powerless to stop it.
Strategies:
- Getting To Know Them; if it’s your ex-wife’s new boyfriend then grit your teeth, smile and take a few minutes to visit with him. Likewise give your ex the chance to meet your new lady friend. It won’t allay all possible fears but it’s often a very good start. Try to avoid starting things off on a negative or hostile note . . . and ideally while the children aren’t around. A good tactic here is to meet for lunch or a coffee somewhere; not to grill the newbie but just to give everyone a chance to meet like mature adults.
- Boundaries; this can be tough because your ex may not play along, but if the new person is your girlfriend then make sure she understands in a polite manner that decisions about custody and the children are yours to make. While you may welcome her thoughts or advice you have the final word. Remember that no one can know your children or your custody arrangement better than you.
- Be Willing To Listen; remember that love is, by definition, blind and sometimes we are the last to see problems in our new beau. Lower your defenses and be willing to at least hear the other parent out if they come to you with concerns. Just showing them that you will take their concerns seriously will help resolve a host of problems.
- A Sense Of Perspective; ok, the guy’s a jerk and obviously a looser and she’s certainly taken a big step down since letting you get away – BUT . . . he’s probably not doing anyone any harm and the kids seem to like him well enough. So why stir up trouble? Pick your battles, know what I mean?
Hope this has given you some food for thought or at least a heads up on what you can maybe expect when and if the day comes that your or your ex-wife decides to step out into romantic waters again.
Our next post will be on Saturday when we’ll take a look at Child Abuse and Neglect concerns.
Until then be well and enjoy your Thanksgiving celebrations!
Bill
Hi Guys,
Life is about choices. Good, bad. Big, small. Important, unimportant. Ones we may take a long time to ponder upon, and those we make in an instant. Often we develop habits of behavior over long periods of time that become pretty well entrenched in our actions and reactions to life’s circumstances. Sometimes this has gone on for so long that we have long since forgotten that it is a choice to act that way, when asked about it we just say , “Well, that’s just the way I am!”
Now some of these behaviors may be absolutely harmless or may actually be positive, those I am not addressing today. I would like to address those habitual behaviors that have caused us or others problems, and by extension ( particularly when it involves someone we care about ) have come back to cause us problems too. For example, let’s use something I touched briefly on in my last dudesndivorce.com post, “flying off the handle” when confronted with an annoyance or contradiction from someone.
If I may for a moment use this to illustrate a point. Developing a habit is like starting to cut a board with a saw.
You first have to make a little more effort to get it started cutting just where you want it, but once you’ve got that groove cut started and deep enough, well, that saw just seems to go on automatic, doesn’t it? And if you realize your cutting in the wrong spot it is a pain in the arse to pull it out and start it all over again! But you’ve got to do it or it won’t be right, correct?
Well, that’s the way it is with “flying off the handle”. You do it the first time and it was easy to do. So it happens again. And again. Before you know it, your doing it without thinking about it. To you, it just happens. Or, as you might come to believe, that’s just the way you have become.
But that is not so. There was and still is a moment of choice there. A moment, however brief, in which you have the power to choose to “fly off the handle” again or to remain calm. Now it is true you may have for so long simply blown past that moment of choice and moved right on to flying off the handle, but that does not change the fact that it is still there and you still have the power to choose.
Now this may not be a problem for you. I just choose this to illustrate my point. The point being, life is about choices. You have the power to choose. But, you say, it is so much easier to stay where I am at, doing what I am doing, being the same way I have been for so long! Yes, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. To do nothing is THE easiest thing to do. But where will it get you? To do something, to stop yourself and make new choices will be hard. Very hard. But I believe, if you choose wisely, it will set you on a much better path.
See ya later,
Russ
As we continue this series on problems that can arise in custody arrangements the first difficulty that comes to mind revolves around legal battles fought to modify custody or support. These can be very expensive, very frustrating and are rarely satisfying to either party. I could try to launch into a long discourse on the different types of cases and concerns and basically author a book that I’m not qualified to write . . . so I’m going to lay out a handful of simple survival tactics that I’ve learned through bitter experience in the hope that it may help some of you consider something you hadn’t before or that it may encourage some of the “older hands” reading the blog to lay out a few hints of their own:
- Document, Document, Document: No matter what the issue is make sure that you are documenting any evidence that makes your case. If the ex is spending money like water and asking to have support payments increased then document the new fur, new car or new jewelry; you might even ask nicely where they got it – will help your lawyer subpoena credit card/checking account records later on.
- Keep Your Cool: yes I know some of this stuff can be frustrating, aggravating and infuriating to the extreme, but loosing your temper does no one any good but her attorney. Remember her lawyer is telling her to document stuff as well and if you throw a fit and she calls Law Enforcement then you’ve just helped her make her case (and probably fallen right into her trap).
- Witnesses: especially in the first year or two or whenever there is some sort of litigation in the works; never allow yourself to be alone with the ex. I know of someone whose ex-wife came over unannounced – he let her in his apartment for just a few minutes. As soon as she left she called the police and claimed he had assaulted her (showing as evidence an injury she’d received purely by accident earlier in the day). Sound extreme? Sure does – but my buddy was in a hell of a fix anyway!
- Be Careful of Precedent: Remember that the $200 you’ve given her to make a late utility payment can be used later on by her attorney to support her claim that you should increase alimony or child support by the same amount. It will be hard to prove you don’t have the ability to do so in light of your earlier generosity.
- The Best Interest of the Children Test: Nearly every judge makes the best interests of your children the cornerstone of his decisions and the quickest way to defeat is to look like it ISN’T the cornerstone of yours! To be honest I think that’s the way it should be; after all the only innocent party here IS the children. So whatever position you take, try to examine it before-hand with that test in mind.
- Be Willing to Mediate: mediation can often be a very effective means of working out issues without having to go to court. While not perfect it often can be a much better venue that throwing your fate upon the mercy of the court. It would probably be worth a bit of your time to look into the options in your locality and be prepared to utilize them if it seems best to you. One word of warning though – it’s my understanding that judges take a dim view of those who settle something through mediation and then renege on that agreement – so make sure you can follow through!
- Finally, The Best Defense is a Good Diplomat: If you can avoid the argument altogether then you are way ahead of the game, right? As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts it is well worth your while to foster as amicable a relationship as is reasonably possible with your ex-spouse. I know it has really paid off for me even though initially it was a bit costly in terms of what I had to be willing to negotiate and compromise on. From what I’ve seen of these matters a large percentage of court cases post-divorce are the by-product of the distrust and enmity created during the initial divorce proceedings. Protect yourself of course but be willing to give a little for the sake of long-term peace.
If anyone has any additional points to add feel free to do so. Otherwise we’ll catch this again on Thursday (Turkey day here in the States!! ~:?) with a look at some of the concerns arising from one parent becoming involved with a “significant other” (Problematic Paramours” anyone??)
Have a great Holiday!!
Bill
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who has struggled with divorce before and is again. This particular conversation echoed some themes that I have heard time and again from not only men but women also when discussing relationships and in particular, marriage. And that is, how we deal with all the little things that our wife or loved one does that may irritate us in some way. Some may be very minor annoyances while others may loom quite large!
To be frank, it astounds me at all the relationships that are allowed to die on the craggy rocks of small annoyances. Nevertheless, it happens! I often ask myself, wouldn’t it be better to address these small annoyances before they grow to become relationship killers?
True, some are much easier to handle than others. For example, not screwing the toothpaste cap back on is a much easier annoyance to work out between two people as opposed to someone who has a habit of “flying of the handle” when things don’t go their way. I understand that. And I understand the difference between minor issues and real serious major issues in a relationship.
I think what I’m trying to get at is this… Relationships can be hard enough without the added strain of not properly addressing the “small stuff” as it comes up. This “small stuff”, if not handled properly AND IN A TIMELY MANNER has a tendency to grow and become “big stuff” that can kill your relationship.
For example, if your like me and you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT STAND to listen to someone chew with their mouth open and you notice your significant other has a tendency to do this, well, my friend, I suggest you address it with her. You may be able to convince yourself now that you can ignore it, and you may be able to for quite awhile, but years from now your gonna notice that really getting on your nerves. And you realize it has been on your nerves ALL this time, building tension and stress in the background of your relationship. When suddenly it comes exploding out of your mouth at the most untimely moment, in a heated rush, or spurs your to say something else you wish you had not said! After all the hurt feelings and foul words and apologies (both sincere and insincere) are over, let me ask you this one question….
Wouldn’t it have been easier to address this with her years ago? When you could have stayed calm and kept your wits about you and not allowed yourself to be overcome by years and years of stress and tension and frustration? You could have been polite, sensitive, intelligent, heck man, you might’ve even been funny! But now! Now it all blew up in your face. She’s mad! Your mad! Nobody’s happy.
All because a little problem became a big problem. Aside from the fact that if you two can’t work out a small issue early on it may be a sign for other problems ahead too. Just something to think about, if ya know what I mean!
See ya later,
Russ
