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As we discussed on Sunday’s post there are some real challenges that divorced men can be faced with from their adult children during a divorce.  These stem from the immaturity and developmental stages of young adults coupled with the loss every child suffers when his or her parents divorce.

 Knowing this is great but how do we relate to our adult children as they and we deal with the challenges of divorce?  The following are a few strategies that have served me well as I’ve dealt with these issues in my own children, or have been helpful to friends in similar situations: 

- Boundaries, to be more exact, Healthy Boundaries.  When your own children are being critical of you or even hateful it can be a difficult and trying emotional experience.  The natural reaction is to want to do everything in your power to make them understand that you aren’t the monumental jerk that they seem to believe you’ve become.  While that may be the natural inclination, the reality is that you probably are not going to be able to change their purely emotional response through factual argument.  It rarely works with anyone else and the odds are just as long that it’ll work here.  My suggestion is to explain yourself once in as calm and upfront a manner as possible, acknowledge and take responsibility for your failures in the relationship (without blaming her) and verbalize that you understand how this is hurting them and then let it be!  If they ask for clarification or have a rational question then of course answer it but don’t keep trying to win them over through argument.  It won’t work.   And don’t allow them to keep attacking you emotionally; if they call you up or come to your home and start to berate you don’t allow yourself to get caught up in an argument that can only do more harm than good; simply tell them that you understand and respect that they disagree with your actions but that you will not allow yourself to be called names or otherwise attacked; invite them to call or come back when they are ready to relate on a more positive level and then hang up or invite them to leave.  It may be very difficult to do and they may go a long time without contacting you (that will be hard) but the odds for eventually developing a healthy relationship with them are much better this way than if you engage in a cycle of arguments and recriminations in a vane effort to “Make them understand”.

 -  Don’t engage in negative talk about your ex-wife in front of or with the children.  When my own father and mother divorced my dad would vent his anger and disappointment with mom whenever I went to visit him.  Looking back I realize that he was hurt by the divorce and he certainly needed someone to talk with about it . . . but as his son I really wasn’t a good choice for that.  It made things much harder on myself and strained our relationship because I didn’t necessarily always agree with his perspective on things.  My suggestion is to not put your adult children through something similar.  By all means find someone to talk with, vent your anger and frustration with all the crap she’s made you deal with, that is a normal and healthy need.  But when you are with your children resist the temptation.  Even if they come to you complaining about something she’s done don’t get sucked in!  Remember these children are adults and if their mom is doing something they don’t like they need to go to her with it – not you.  

-  Don’t seek to make your children your allies in your conflicts with the ex-wife.  This is much like the point above but a little more focused.  It’s very natural to want your children on “YOUR” side during a divorce; especially if she has done something very heinous to hurt you such as having an affair.  Just remember that the conflict is between you and she and that even if your children seem to be aligning themselves with her they are not your enemy and that even if they seem to be agreeing with you they should never be expected to be HER enemy.

 Unfortunately you can be doing all of the above and everything else “right” but your ex-wife may be doing the opposite.  This can, at least temporarily, turn your children against you by giving them only one side of the story.  But what can you do?  As my mom always used to tell me “two wrongs don’t make a right”.  If you resort to similar tactics it puts your children in the middle of the conflict – a place they don’t need to be – and can cause wounds that may never heal.  My own experiences have taught me that as long as you are being the healthy adult, open and honest with your children and maintaining healthy relationship boundaries with them that eventually they will begin to see the big picture.  It may take years for them to mature and gain the perspectives needed but hopefully they’ll come around and your relationship with them will be all the richer for it. 

I’ll post my final piece to this series on Friday when I’ll review a few communication tools that might be helpful in holding these discussions.

 Bill