There are many difficult decisions that have to be made during a divorce; but the hardest of all has to do with deciding upon the custody arrangements for your children. Even when divorce is clearly the only answer for a relationship it is never a good thing for the children born of that relationship. Not only is it a terrible loss for children it also forever changes your relationship with them.
In this post I’d like to present some things to ponder when deciding wither you or your ex-spouse should have primary physical custody.
- First of all notice my assumption that one parent will have primary physical custody. Some courts will award both parents equal physical and legal custody with the child spending equal time with both. Let me tell you . . . it may sound great and it would be – if the child was a set of dinnerware or a lawn mower! But children need stability and stability is very, very difficult to provide when the child is being shuffled back and forth between two homes; so for their sake I would suggest carefully looking at other options first.
- Children require a lot of time and attention. Not only do their basic care needs require a time investment (cooking, cleaning, homework, etc . . .) but also in spending quality time with them in order to nourish their emotional development. Which parent has both the time and the ability to make that investment? Maybe both of you do – maybe neither. It’s important to examine that question honestly and frankly and factor that into your final decision.
- Aside from questions of availability, which parent can better relate to the child and his or her needs. This doesn’t mean simply that little girls need to be with their mommy and teenage boys need to go with their dad . . . it also has a lot to do with the personality mix between parent and child.
- How will the child’s life be disrupted? Sometimes parents forget that children have a complex social world that they belong to outside the family. Uprooting a teenager from friends and school can be a devastating blow and when it comes along with a divorce can amount to a one/two punch that can have long term emotional and behavioral consequences. But it isn’t just teenagers that are so affected; even a preschooler who is uprooted from the daycare they’ve been going to since infancy can be strongly effected.
Probably you’ve already thought of all of these plus a few more; or maybe there is something here that hasn’t occurred to you yet. Naturally no short article on the web is going to give you everything you need to come to a quality decision on this matter. The purpose of this post is simply to give men currently facing the issue a few basics to get started. For those of you who’ve already been through this perhaps you’ve some things to add or suggestions to make; if so please feel free to leave a comment for others to read.
On Thursday we’ll look at some problem areas that commonly come up in custody arrangements and how to prepare for them.
Until then, take care!
Bill
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