dudesndivorce.com

Anytime of year can be a time of reflection but it seems that the holidays can sometimes spur one to pause and look back on their life. Maybe it’s all the family activity, the hustle and bustle of the holidays themselves, or the nature of the end of the year. For whatever reason I think it CAN be a good thing. 

For many men, the divorce process either will be, can be, or has been a very negative event in their lives. That realization and the desire to respond to at least part of that, was and is the driving force behind dudesndivorce.com. 

It is so normal after a horribly stressful and negative event like a divorce to want to take time to heal. However many, men and women, seem to enter into a very protective mode. Either socially or emotionally. Or both. It’s easier to protect oneself if your not sticking your self out there, right? You won’t get hurt so much? 

It’s sort of like building a castle or fortress to protect yourself, isn’t it? You’ll be safe behind those thick, strong walls, won’t you? 

But instead when your done you may find you’ve encased yourself in a tomb!

I hope this doesn’t happen to you.

See ya later,

Russ

Sitting here at my computer a couple days before Christmas contemplating what to write for a Christmas Day post I’m tempted to just wish everyone a very merry one and be done with it – nice and simple and pleasant right?

But then I get thinking about who may be reading this on Christmas day . . . maybe a guy whose going through his divorce right now and this is his first Christmas without his kids and family around him.  Or maybe things have been really bad in your marriage and this Christmas was a huge blow-up and you’re starting to think divorce might be the only answer.  Whatever your situation odds are pretty good that if you are reading this blog on Christmas then you’re feeling anything BUT “merry”

Well naturally I can’t say anything in this post that is going to make you suddenly feel better or that is going to be the answer to all your current problems.  I’m pretty sure you aren’t looking for that and would be real skeptical if I claimed to have those answers.  I’m not a preacher or a counselor and neither is Russ; we’re just a couple dudes in the Midwest who’ve been through our own divorces and want to give men a forum to share their experiences with other men going through similar situations. Including some pretty rotten holidays now and then (sometime I’ll share the holiday when my ex disappeared with my kids for several days!).

Yeah, sometimes the holidays aren’t going to be wonderful and magical or merry and bright . . . but they ARE only 24 hours long and with some effort you can get through them.  Finding a friend or family member to visit with has always helped me; some like watching movies or taking a walk – basically it seems like anything that distracts your attention and burns up those damn 24 hours is a workable strategy.  If things get really bad and you start contemplating hurting yourself then please call someone – anyone.  Believe me that’s one strategy that just doesn’t work.  If you have to call 911 or a local hospital – they’ll help, they really will.  It’s just 24 hours, you get through it and then you work on putting together a solution that resolves these problems.  That’s what I had to do and Russ and just about every other guy that’s been down this road.  There are some real low spots and  times when it seems like stuff is getting worse – not better; yeah it even looks pretty damn hopeless at times.  But I think just about every one of those men who’ve dealt with these problems in their lives would say that eventually things DO get better, situations change and seemingly insurmountable obstacles are gotten over. 

I’m not feeding you a line of happy crap . . . just telling you what I’ve found to be true in my own life. You breathe in and you breathe out; you work the problems one at a time; one day at a time and slowly things get better.  No magical solution . . . but I hope it helps a bit anyway.

Be well . . . and have a blessed Christmas

Bill

The first Christmas the kids and I spent together after I separated from their mom was pretty unforgettable.  Money was very tight, I was still extremely new to being a single-parent and divorce proceedings were at the zenith of their ugliness with all of the associated drama coming from my ex-wife and her side of the family.  So into this volatile mix we throw THE major holiday of the year . . . CHRISTMAS!  That could have been a real unhappy holiday and one that set a negative Yule-tide tone for years to come.

What happened instead wasn’t a miracle and that is probably a very good thing; sometimes you don’t want a miracle, some once in a lifetime thing, because then what would you pin next year’s hopes on eh?  No what happened instead was pure old everyday mundane family and friends  . . . which was really the best possible blessing we could have received.

Several of my neighbors and friends lived in the same little apartment complex as we and were single parents themselves.  They invited us to their Christmas parties and helped us decorate our house with paper chains and strung popcorn and Christmas cards and a pathetically wonderful little tree.  I got a lot of encouragement and helpful advice and even some free babysitting (which is a gift from heaven for any single parent let me tell you!).  My kids also got to see that they weren’t the only one’s with a single parent family and I think that helped them through the initial adjustment period more than anything I could have said or done on my own.

My family was also very supportive, I don’t think a week went by that whole holiday season that at least one member of my family wasn’t dropping in for a visit or to take one of the kids off on some activity or another.  Whether it was mom stopping by for a cup of coffee and a talk or my brother and his wife taking one of the kids for a sleep-over or my poor little sister babysitting my three kiddos while I went out with some friends – my family was a very present help in that time of trouble.  I always look back on that year’s gathering as one of the best Christmas dinners that I’ve ever had; not because the ham was juicier or the pumpkin pie was sweeter . . . but because I ate it surrounded by a close and loving family.

Quite often as I’m writing these posts I talk about the importance of having others to turn to for support and encouragement and really this is at the heart of why I do so.  Because while divorce is a horrible and lonely word and something we often struggle through alone; that first Christmas I was given a gift that made all the difference in the world to my children and I . . . simple friendship and family.

Be well and have a wonderful and blessed Christmas

Bill

Hey Guys!

As I highlighted in my last post, the power to choose is the strongest force we have to change our lives and our situation. 

Because the power to choose is solely our own!

It completely belongs to us.

True others may try to influence our power to choose, try to sway our decisions with a plethora of techniques, but ultimately, the final decisions regarding our own lives are in our own hands.  And that in itself is a powerful concept. Your are in charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your reactions, your words, your actions. They are yours and when you begin to take full responsibility for them that gives you the power to take the helm of those thoughts, emotions, etc, and either lead yourself to where you really want to go OR perhaps if you see the need seek out help from friends, family, or professionals should the need be that great.

As Bill so accurately pointed out, we wouldn’t hesitate to go see a medical doctor if we had a medical problem so there is no shame in seeking out the assistance of a good qualified counselor either. That’s what they are there for!

Why do I address this in a series dedicated to Holiday stress? Well, YOU have the CHOICE to let the many negatives that MAY be surrounding you now to overcome the normal joys of this holiday season.  I encourage you when you feel the urge to let these negative emotions take over, to simply realize at that moment, YOU have a CHOICE to be overcome by the negative you can choose to enjoy the holiday fervor. That power lays in your hands. No one can take it from you!

So enjoy the holidays! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Russ

It’s been a real rough week for me so far and I’m really hoping things start to settle down.  Some tough situations at work, my oldest son was laid off and is back home temporarily, put my vehicle in a ditch Wednesday night in some snow and ice and then to top it all off I had a round with a stomach virus that kicked my butt!  Way things are going I almost hesitate getting on-line for fear of crashing the web! ~:?)

During all this insanity I certainly had a chance to practice what I preach regarding dealing with stress and such!  it also reminded me of a deep truth of life . . . “It’ll Keep”. 

Seems like no matter how urgent something seems or how consuming a situation becomes it is possible to take a deep breath and find a moment to decompress a bit.  I tend to forget that quite often; I get so caught up in the problem and in my own perceptions of how critical it is that I come to believe that I can’t take my eye off that particular ball.  That’s where I was earlier this week . . . trying to help my son, resolving the crisis at work and dealing with a stuck vehicle and then . . . WHAM!   I’m flat on my back  and it hurts to even THINK much less DO anything about all of those problems.  Forces me to realize that about 9/10^ths of the urgency I’d assigned to these crisis was exactly that – urgency that I had given to them, not necessarily any that they had of their own right.  And guess what happened while I was incapable of doing anything on my own! . . . My son got the car out of the ditch and the problem at work resolved its self because of the great people I work with!!  So really they weren’t as huge a problem requiring all the stress and energy I had been giving them.  Yes, my son is still looking for work – but I’m sure he’ll find something soon enough and in the mean time I’m getting a lot of great time in with my grand-daughter!.

The stomach virus is pretty much over now although I’m not exactly in the mood for a Chinese Buffet (and Russ will tell you that’s pretty serious! ~:?).  But I’m on the mend.

And I’ve been reminded of a pretty important lesson that I tend to very frequently forget. . . . “It’ll Keep”

Be well

Bill

Hey Guys!

You know one of my all time favorite Christmas stories is “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens. I know it may seem really corny to you, but I still like it. AND, I believe there are some valuable lessons from this fictional story that we all can apply to our lives.

Yes, it has been pointed out innumerable times in books, magazines, and prose the transformation Scrooge undergoes at the hands of the spirits. So I won’t belabor that point again. But I will touch on an aspect of it that, if you know me or are a regular reader of dudesndivorce.com and my posts, you may see coming…… and that is; Scrooge’s miraculous transformation from hate-monger to joyous bringer of light comes down to one simple act.

  He chose to. 

He chose to start looking at people differently than he had before.

He chose to start looking at money differently than he had before.

He chose to start looking at his life (both currently and his past) differently than he had before.

He chose to start treating people differently than he had before.

He chose to start handling his money and his business differently than he had before.

He chose to start spending his time differently than he had before.

These are choices HE made. And HE acted upon those choices. And those choices and subsequent actions began to transformed his life.  

To be honest, I’ve hesitated to say this, but I’ve often thought of Scrooge as one of my personal heroes. A lot of people may say, “WHAT!?!” But I look at the Scrooge that awoke on that fateful Christmas morning and lived a powerful, meaningful life from that moment on. He became engaged with people’s lives, both on a personal level and on a societal level. Yes, yes, I understand he is a fictional character in a fictional story. But I believe this story carries with it valuable life lessons. And I pray that not only I, but each of us may not become so callous that we cannot learn such important lessons when we have the opportunity.

Become involved with first your family then the community around you. If you are already I salute you, please continue!

See ya later,

Russ

Hey Guys!

I’d just like to take a few moments and piggyback on something Bill touched on in his last dudesndivorce.com post. And that is, the short temper issue. Let’s face it, no one wants to admit they may have a short temper. Especially at “the most happiest time of the year!”, right? I mean, that’s like announcing with a big flashing neon sign your a jerk (or some part of the anatomy I shall  NOT mention in this blog!), isn’t it? You don’t wanna do that!

But let’s face it, if you are losing your cool at home or at work more than usual, maybe some signs of jerkiness is starting to show (I’m just sayin’!).  Hey, it’s not the worst crime in the world, right? And, if you catch it early enough, maybe you won’t have to feel too embarrassed when you go to apologize (you will go to apologize, won’t you?). 

To be honest with you, between you, me, and the wall, I think it’s best you just realize it as soon as you can (if it is a problem for you), admit it, do something positive to release the stress, and be up front with people about it and make any apologies that are necessary. Then, more than likely, all of you can get on with enjoying the holidays as you want to and as they were meant to be.

If I may quote one of the great philosophers of our time, 

“Keep yer stick on the ice, I’m pullin’ fer ya!” — Red Green

See ya later,

Russ