My son suggested the topic of today’s post to me as we were working on household chores and chatting about this, that and the other. He’s 18 and a pretty insightful young man when he decides to be. While we were doing some dishes he asked me how the blog was doing and then suggested I write a post some time about how parents getting back into the dating scene can affect the kids. “and how DOES it affect them” I asked. “Well” he said, “I think it depends on how old they were when their parents got divorced and how soon their parents start dating again”.
As Dustin and I talked it became apparent to me that there are a number of ways that post-divorce dating can affect our children and that there are some fairly simple things we can do to help ease that impact.
The first type of affect on children that comes to mind would be as a result of moving too quickly back into the dating world. The divorce of their parents can be very traumatic to a child’s sense of security and place in the world. It’s going to take them quite a while to start putting things back together. If either parent jumps back into dating too soon it can cause the children to question if their parents ever really loved one another as well as presenting them with some very difficult emotional waters to navigate. Even for teenage and adult children it can be very awkward and upsetting to have a divorced parent introduce a new “significant other”; much more so for the younger child.
Now this doesn’t mean you’ll never get to date or that you’ll have to wait three or four years . . . but it seems that being sensitive to the healing progress of your children might help you gauge when they’re ready. Remember that your divorce hasn’t hurt just you and your ex . . . it has wounded the children as well. Having age appropriate but open and honest conversations with your children is a good way of staying in tune with their emotional state. If you show them by your interest and responses that they can safely let you know how they feel then odds are very good that they certainly will do so! If you have that open dialogue already established with them then you’ll not only have an excellent sense of where they are emotionally but you’ll find it much easier to broach the topic when the time comes.
There are a couple more post-divorce dating pitfalls that I’ll bring up for discussion in Thursday’s post due to length considerations here.
I’d be interested in hearing (as always) from others about their experiences in this area, or if your new to this, any questions.
Until then have a great week and Be Well!
Bill
