Well hello again everyone, hope you’re having a good week thus far. Sometimes that first couple of weeks after Christmas and New Years can be kinda nice in a finally-get-a-chance-to-take-a-breath sort of way.
As I mentioned on Tuesday I’d like to continue the topic of post-divorce dating and our children on this mid-week post. We already talked a bit about how jumping back into dating shortly after a divorce can impact our children. I feel like the next thing to look at is what happens when we try to involve our “dates” in our children’s lives.
It is kind of a natural impulse when we find a lady who we feel is pretty neat and special to introduce her to our children. After all she’s warm and friendly and caring and “loves children” and it just seems like the thing to do. And of course eventually, if things continue to develop, she and your children will have to meet.
But first lets remember that while you may be VERY, VERY over your ex – your children aren’t! In fact they will probably NEVER be “over” their mom. I can tell you from experience that even if you are the primary parent and even if their mom treats them terribly and then disappears for years at a time that the kids will still love their mom and want to have a relationship with her. So bringing this new woman in your life into theirs is just going to be perceived much differently by them than you probably intend or envision. There is very likely going to be some resentment, some anger and maybe even some jealousy so don’t be surprised when their reception is a bit cool or even down-right rude. They may see (unconsciously) this lady as an attempted replacement for their mom . . . even if you tell them the exact opposite. I think time and sensitivity is the key here; If you’ve waited to start dating until you felt they were ready and now you’ve found this lady who you really like having around then give the kids time to adjust, mention her now and again at first and then increase it a little bit, answer questions as they are asked and only when you feel they are ready (they may even ask when they can meet her) should you consider an initial, brief, introduction. The age of your children is key here. In the early days after divorcing the children’s mom I met someone and looking back I can see that I sorta rushed that initial meeting a bit . . . patience on my part would have saved everyone a lot of tension and confusion in the long run.
These days, having been divorced for some time and with the children all pretty much grown, the dynamics are a bit different. I normally let Dustin know when I’m dating someone new and he understands and accepts that as a part of my life now. He occasionally asks questions about them and will chat briefly with them either on the phone or in person without tension or stress. Of course Dustin is 18 now and naturally a sociable, outgoing person. It’s also been an issue that we worked through years ago. I guess what I’m trying to say is that after I learned my lesson from the first couple post-divorce relationships I figured out how to help my kids deal with this whole situation. I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in building the trust and understanding between my children and I on this topic so that anymore it’s become very relaxed and easy. That’s the place you want to get to eventually; and if you take the time (once again) to be sensitive to them and where they are emotionally then you will! Of course there are no guarantees that some outside influence/s won’t stir up the waters after you think it’s all easy sailing; ex-wives can hate us and yet hate the idea of us involved with someone else at the same time and some are not above making the children unwitting allies.
It’s never easy but taking it step by step and day by day doing the right thing will normally get you through to where you want to be.
We’ll probably wrap this series up on Saturday with a final post on the subject. Until then be well.
Bill
PS – I just wanted address some of the changes you may start noticing around the site; Russ and I are not computer geeks by any stretch of the imagination but we are trying to add a few Google Adsense ads here and there and possibly a few other odds and ends that might have the dual function of making this site a better resource for you, the reader, as well as help us a bit with the operating costs. I hope the changes are not distracting or problematic to you and please, as always, feel free to let us know your thoughts on the matter, thanks.
