Before I move on to the next aspect of post-divorce dating and how it impacts our children I want to address the concern that Russ mentioned in his last mini-post; what about if your children are just dead set against the whole proposition.
First the question is pretty broadly brushed; there are a lot of different factors that can play a crucial role into why they may be so determinedly against you dating. A few of these factors would be age, maturity level (the two aren’t the same of course), the quality of your relationship with them and their relationship with their mother, how long you’ve been divorced and how that divorce was presented to them just to name a few.
Affairs of the human heart never follow a precise mathematical formula; you can never say that with child “A” a wait of “X” number of years with “Y” amount of relationship building will result in their full approval. I think we all know that people just are not built that way (as convenient as it would be for mental health professionals world wide!).
I can only tell you what the components are of a generally effective approach are– you have to work out how to adapt these to your unique circumstances and unique children. That being said I would identify the components of an effective approach as follows:
Empathy: That is, the awareness and understanding of another’s feelings in a given situation. Take several long moments to really try to put yourself into their shoes. Pretend you are your child (with all of the personality quirks unique to them). Remember that while a lot of behavior may SEEM illogical from the outside it is almost always perfectly logical from inside that other person’s perceptions of the world around them. So try to reverse engineer an understanding of their perceptions by asking yourself why Bobby Sue would behave this way. A warning though – you may reach some possible conclusions that aren’t very complimentary or convenient; how you deal with those is the proof of the man.
Communication: Remember that communication isn’t just WHAT we say it is HOW we say it and HOW we act. It is also a two way street so it also matters very much how well we LISTEN and how we RESPOND to what we hear. It is easy to fall into the unconscious trap of asking others how they feel about our actions while sending subtle messages that we really don’t want to know what they really think. Personally I’m a big fan of Active Listening which is a way to help keep misunderstandings from gumming up the works. Basically it amounts to occasionally during the course of a conversation feeding back to the other person a summary of what you thought they meant. Not accusingly or anything but simply so they know what you heard; if they correct your understanding then great! There are some wonderful resources on the web about Active Listening that will fill in the details much better than I can do here.
Realness: Sometimes we get so caught up in the role of parent that we loose sight of the importance of being ourselves. I think realness is one of those things that becomes more crucial as your children get older and while you are always their parent and should be mindful of that role I believe that sometimes, with our adult children, we have to just be very honestly ourselves. Doesn’t mean we dispense with Empathy and Communication skills . . . just means that we are a bit more free to lay things out in the open and challenge them as co-adults on the fairness of their demands on us. If you’ve been divorced for several years and your 20 something children are still being butts about you dating then it may be time to sit them down and TELL THEM that they are being butts (in a loving fashion of course). Telling them that “I know you don’t approve of me dating and while I love you very much and your approval means a lot to me I have a right to move on in my life. I can’t and won’t become a social hermit simply because that makes you more comfortable.” They may become very angry with you and may break off having contact with you for awhile – so be aware of that possibility before hand and act accordingly. If you would rather not date than deal with their reaction to you dating then that is your decision; just make sure it’s one you can live with. To my way of thinking this is an extension of parenting; when they were younger you taught them how to share, not to hit and to say please and thank you – those are all simple and important social skills that the little barbarians have to be taught. Well that teaching function of parenthood doesn’t magically end when they turn 18! The social skills that you are teaching them simply become more complex and more “adult” in nature. You certainly have to work out a difference of opinion with your adult children (just as you would with any other adult). But there are times when their inflexibility and unwillingness to understand your needs as a fellow adult become selfish and unhealthy; at that point you may need to model for them how an adult stands up for themselves and defends their healthy and appropriate interpersonal boundaries. Just remember that you can’t FORCE their approval or choose how they are going to react – just accept that such things are completely out of your control.
So – anyway – very long response to Russ’s question and perhaps it doesn’t do a great job of answering it. There are no magical solutions, as I’ve said before, but perhaps by incorporating some of the stuff I mention above you’ll be better able to work through it. I wish anyone dealing with this problem the best of luck – it can be a tough spot to be in.
I’ll try to get a post up soon to deal with that last factor in post-divorce dating and our children; until then;
Be well
Bill
