I think Russ’s post earlier this week brings up an excellent point and one which I would like to expand on; which is that in order to have a healthy marriage you have to have a healthy relationship and in order to have that you need two reasonably healthy adults. Not exactly rocket science but the trick is in recognizing unhealthy traits in yourself or your relationship, in situ as it were or while you are caught up in the middle of it all.
Russ’s post does an excellent job of demonstrating what happens when one member of a relationship adopts an unhealthy method of dealing with problems in the marriage. In his case he never stood up for himself by challenging behaviors on her part that were hurtful to him; had he done so from the very start perhaps things would have been much different. Now, as I write this, it occurs to me that there is a need for a caveat: this doesn’t mean that you turn into a nag or a controlling jerk! Some things, some characteristics of your mate you just have to learn to learn to deal with. If she never puts the cap on the toothpaste, is a horrible driver or tries to talk during a football game – well these are things that you may just have to accept. The litmus test for whether the behavior needs to be challenged or not (and to what degree) is basically “how deeply does this affect myself and the relationship.”
I was in a fairly intense relationship at one point in my life with a woman who was really pretty insecure. Most of the time we got along fine but whenever we were around others she would often become critical of what I said or did; even to the point of making fun of me. That’s not a behavior that I could ignore in someone I am trying to be in a relationship with! I tried to talk to her about it a few times, but because of her insecurity she was never able to accept what I had to say and use it constructively; as a result the relationship came to an end. Since we weren’t married that ending was (while still painful) easier than a divorce would have been. I mention this because it demonstrates several things – The first is how important this whole subject of addressing problems in a relationship can be even before you are actually married. While that’s probably good advice given late for a divorce site I believe it’s still worth mentioning since a good many of us are single and dating. The second point is that it provides an example of a behavior that needs to be challenged; I NEVER allow myself to be demeaned in a relationship as it is completely destructive to the trust and respect that a healthy bond is made of. Finally it shows the possibility that the other person may not be receptive to your efforts to bring about change.
As I think about it seems that those three issues might be good subjects to cover in a series on this general issue. Please let me know of any specific situations or challenges that you’ve had in this area and your thoughts on how they might be best dealt with.
Until next post then, take care and be well
Bill
