Most of us are a bit uncomfortable with confrontation. If you happen to be one of those individuals that thrives on conflict well then this post probably won’t have much value for you – although I’d suggest looking at how well that tendency is working for you in your relationships. But for the rest of us who love to avoid confrontation I thought I might talk a bit about a habit I’ve been working on for a while now; that is, the habit of challenging or confronting significant others in my life when they display a behavior which, if allowed to continue, would be destructive to building a healthy, loving, relationship.
I am, by nature, a person who simply hates to argue or to challenge another person on their behavior. I’d much rather just put up with it than have to address a problem with someone I feel close to. I know where that tendency comes from – learned it at my mother’s knee I did! And it worked fairly well for me as a kiddo in a family that got along with each other petty well.
But once I became an adult and started having to conduct adult type relationships . . . well then the sailing wasn’t so smooth. I spent over nine years married to a woman with some serious problems before I was finally able to figure out that she wasn’t just going to have a blinding moment of insight and simply start “doing right”. If things were going to get better for me then I had to be responsible for defending myself from her self-destructive behaviors. Since then I’ve slowly (and painfully) learned not only how to recognize when I need to challenge such behaviors but also how to do so. Not saying I’ve got it down to a science yet but I think I understand some basic principles:
The first principle is that you have to pick your battles. If you try to challenge or confront every little thing that bothers you odds are great that either you’ll end up alone – or you’ll be completely tuned out . . .. I’ve found it works much better to thoughtfully identify what the central issue is and focus on that. And only if it is something which is truly destructive to building a quality relationship. If she’s a bit of a gossip it probably won’t be grounds for a divorce – if she’s gossiping about YOU . . . then there is a problem!
Secondly challenging a person’s behavior isn’t the same as attacking the person. Remember the “Porcupine Principle” from my Petting Porcupines post? If you put someone on the defensive they aren’t going to be much interested in listening to what you have to say. I find that if I avoid statements that assign blame and focus on discussing how I am affected by the problem behavior that I normally get better mileage. Telling someone that “Whenever we get around other people you always have to act like an ass by making fun of everything I say” is probably just going to start a fight; whereas saying “You know tonight when you said “X” (whatever the demeaning comment was) I really felt disrespected.” is not an attack but it is very clear about what you are unhappy about. If they can’t respect that (by saying that you “shouldn’t feel that way”) then there are some bigger problems afoot.
The third principle is that there is no profit in putting it off until tomorrow; the longer you allow a hurtful behavior to go unchallenged the harder it is going to be to get the other person to see a need for change. Like anything else it is difficult to change an entrenched pattern of behavior.
Finally – you have to be ready to back it up; sometimes a person is just not willing to change. The may be beautiful and smart and sexy and you may care for them very deeply – but if they refuse to acknowledge your concerns and continue to act towards you in a way that is hurtful or disrespectful then the ball is in your court. Either stay and be a willing participant in your own abuse – or take a stand for yourself. Yes, the relationship may end and yeah that is going to hurt for a while. But not nearly as much as it would in the long run to stay in a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship with someone incapable of changing. (voice of experience here dudes!)
Now – If you are currently married and are dealing with these types of matters then I’d strongly, strongly suggest seeing a marriage or personal counselor about the issues you are dealing with. Remember this blog isn’t meant to be a replacement for counseling – just a forum for guys to talk about their personal experiences and what has (or hasn’t) worked for them. And one thing that has consistently worked for me when I find myself in a real difficult situation is to find the right counselor or pastor to discuss those things with.
Hope this had something helpful to offer someone out there . . . any further thoughts by anyone?
Next post we’ll look at other methods of diverting a divorce.
Until then – be well!
Bill
