Hello dudesndivorce.com dudes!
I’d like to piggy back on a portion of Bill’s last excellent post, “Diverting Divorce- A Challenging Habit”. Specifically the portion in which he writes about “challenging a person’s behavior isn’t the same as attacking the person“.
Many times when you do this, even with the best of intentions or game plans (or rather especially with the best of intentions or game plans) your spouse MAY choose to derail the conversation by throwing many distractors at you. This is actually an attempt to throw you off topic (for whatever reason). Your job here is to NOT let yourself be distracted by these attempts to dissuade you from the vital issue that needs to be discussed. Don’t be rude, don’t be physical, just stay focused and don’t allow yourself to “go chasin’ down all these rabbits” (as my daughter is so fond of saying!).
Remember, as Bill as pointed out, your spouse knows your hot buttons pretty well and will use them at this point to get you off topic if it is something she doesn’t want to discuss. So be mentally and emotionally prepared for that kind of assault ahead of time. Get the focus and attitude you need to stay calm and resolute.
Now, it is possible she may be willing to actually discuss the matter with you but the timing is just not right. If you feel this is sincere and not just a ploy to avoid the discussing the issue agree with her to set a time to sit down together and rationally work out the matter together.
Many couples start out with good intentions to carry out a rational, mature conversation with their spouse on what may be “hot” topics for them. But just can’t seem to get past themselves and the arguing. At that point I would suggest some form of help, assistance, intervention, or counseling may be in order.
Good luck guys, I’m pulling for ya!
Russ
