I feel like my last few posts have been missing the mark somewhat in regards to their intended purposes; which was to initiate some discussion on how to avoid a divorce in the first place. As I’ve been thinking it over I believe it may be better to focus for a bit on some common snares that destroy many marriages before they even get started. I’ve experienced some of these myself or seen them play out in the lives of those around me. My suggestion is to look over the list and ask yourself if any may be something you are bringing to your current relationship and the problems thereof. As my mom always used to say – “takes two to tango”.
1. Chip Off The Old Block(head): As men, most of us have been very strongly influenced, in how we perceive women and how to treat them in a relationship, by our fathers. This can be a very subtle, deep seated influence that forms the core of your assumptions about these matters. If dad was an old school type who believed a woman’s place was to raise kids and serve her man then even though you may not consciously agree with these beliefs your assumptions about what to expect in a relationship may have some powerful elements of that outlook. Look at how your dad related to your mom and ask yourself how many of those patterns (good and bad) are being continued in your relationships. This can also work the opposite way – if dad was an abusive and overbearing jerk you may be trying so hard to NOT be like dad that you are over correcting to the opposite extreme by being wishy-washy . . . a doormat. Again look at your parent’s relationship and contrast and compare. This is at the heart of more than one of the issues that follow.
2. Maintaining Radio Silence: Unless you hadn’t noticed the female of the species is a loquacious creature who thrives on communication. Studies show that an average man uses about 25,000 words in a day while an average woman uses nearly twice that. Essentially they have us out gunned two – to – one! As surprising as this might be women complain about un-communicative husbands as often as men complain about overly-talkative wives. The trick here isn’t to try to meet them word for word but to understand their greater need for verbal communication and try to adapt a bit to meet them at least half-way. Ask yourself if you tend to retreat into your paper or TV shows or computer rather than spending at least a half hour or more actually sharing your day with your wife and really listening to her when she shares her’s. For some guys this isn’t a problem but for others it can be very difficult.
3. King Kong Syndrome: As giant gorillas go old Kong wasn’t such a bad guy . . . I’m sure the other giant gorilla’s down at the plant thought he was great. But Kong had a bit of a problem conducting an equitable relationship with a woman – he just didn’t do very well with the whole compromise and collaboration thing! He certainly cared about his lady, Fay Ray, but she never really felt like she had much power in the relationship. I mean did he ask her if she felt like seeing the Empire State building? NOPE! Just grabbed her and away they went despite all the screaming to the contrary! I’ve known a few men who weren’t too terribly different than the big gorilla when it came to making joint decisions with their wives.
4. Forever Young: While eternal youth sounds like a great thing I don’t believe any of us would want to be married to someone who never grows up. Unfortunately some men have a difficult time making the transition from young and single to married adulthood. The priorities of a single guy in his early twenties are not the optimal priorities for a married man in his 30’s. Just a thought.
5. She’s Your Wife, Not Your Mother: This sounds like a no brainer but expecting our wife to just step into the role of our mother is really a very common and unrecognized set of expectations that many men carry into their marriage. This relates strongly to Issue #1 above but is a separate set of problems. If your mom was a traditional stay-at-home mom then you might be more likely to fall into this particular trap. You might see the role of a woman as being to take care of household tasks such as laundry, cooking and shopping; so when you find yourself married to a woman who has a career of her own and little time to fix your dinner or iron your shirts you feel as if she isn’t living up to her end of the bargain. Just remember that the roles and responsibilities in a marriage are flexible and defined by both partners – not by some immutable law of nature.
I think I’ll stop for now – this post is getting a bit long; but I’ll pick it up again on Thursday when we’ll continue to look at ways to avoid a divorce to begin with. Hope someone out there found this helpful – as always share if you’ve any thoughts to add. Until then, be well!
Bill
