As I was reading Russ’s post below he got me to thinking (hate it when he does that!). In talking about the need we all have to express affection I was reminded that the freedom to express ourselves period is vitally important in any relationship. In fact I will go so far as to say that it is a make-it or break-it issue. No matter what else the couple may have going for them – if one or both feel unable to openly and honestly express their thoughts and feelings then there is going to be rough weather in the forecast.
I wonder for how many of us divorced men does this lay at the bottom of a pattern in our relationships? Speaking for myself I can tell you that I am aware of just such a pattern in my own life. I have this tendency to find women who need emotional rescuing (not all of the women I’ve dated mind you but a statistically significant portion). The result has often been a relationship in which the other person is free to express themselves; in which the emotional content of the relationship has been “about” them. But my own needs were not as open for expression. I’ve recognized that and have been making efforts to change that tendency but it has been true none-the-less and I suspect it is a pattern oft repeated by other men as well.
Of course the flip side would be a man who creates an unwelcoming, un-accepting environment in the relationship for such expressions. This may be because he’s uncomfortable with such displays; finds them threatening or is keenly aware of his inability to reciprocate. Whatever the reason it robs the other person of that freedom to say what they feel and to express those emotions.
To draw an analogy that just came to mind – a relationship without that two-way freedom of expression is kind of like trying to survive on a diet of plain oatmeal and dry toast. It may get you through the day and it may contain no surprises or unpleasant tastes . . . but there isn’t going to be much joy in it either. No zest, no flavor, no anticipation of a fragrant and savory meal . . . just dull, boring, monotony. I don’t know about you but I want flavor! Gimme a heap of zesty BBQ ribs, some hot baked beans and creamy, crunchy cole slaw!! Yeah it’s gonna be a mess and sure I may get some heartburn from it . . . but OH MAN! WHAT A FEAST!! ~:?)
I don’t know about you – but I’m looking for a relationship that is like a BBQ rib dinner . . . not toast and oatmeal!
Be well!
Bill
