dudesndivorce.com

I thought maybe it would be a good time to lighten up the content  a bit and talk about something other than heavy relationship issues for a change.  It’s all good and important stuff but sometimes you just hafta give yourself a break eh?

So I thought I’d go back to the topic of cooking (always a popular topic for me) and look at what I think are the Divorced Dudes best friends in the kitchen. 

1. A Cast Iron Skillet:  Easy to care for, durable and versatile  . . .  there’s not much you can’t do with a cast iron pan.  I have several pieces ranging from a small single serving frying pan all the way up to a big dutch oven that kicks butt for making chili!  Wash them out, put them back on a warm burner to dry out and then spray lightly with cooking oil spray and rub down with a paper towel (being careful that the pan isn’t too hot or you don’t burn yourself).  That’s about it!
2. A Good Knife:  Obviously you’re going to be doing a lot of cutting in the kitchen and so having a good, dependable knife that fits well to your hand, stays sharp and has some heft is vital.  Personally I do nearly all my work in the kitchen with a little paring knife that has really stood up to the test of time.  Unless you’re quartering a beef on your dinning room table you should be able to get by with something similar
3. Spices:  There are five different spices that I absolutely depend on and which 99% of the time is all you ever need.  These five spices are: 
   1. Pepper – I like a pepper mill and fresh peppercorns myself but any kind of black pepper will do.
   2. Garlic – you can get the powder if you like but the fresh ground stuff really has a lot more zing.  A little dab-l-do.
   3. Lowrey’s Meat Tenderizer – does wonders for steaks or other cuts of meat and let’s you buy the cheaper stuff without risk to your teeth.
   4. Cinnamon – Great stuff on toast with a bit of brown sugar, in oatmeal, cookies, French toast . . . don’t leave home without it!
   5. BBQ Rub – sprinkle a bit of this on any meat, bake and wow!  Good stuff Maynard!  My all time favorite brand is Bandana’s from the restaurant chain but it’s very much a matter of taste so that will vary from person to person.
4. A Crockpot: A single man’s best friend!  Opens up a world of cooking with a minimum of time and effort.  Takes a bit of learning but once you have it mastered you can make a wide range of foods very easily and economically.
5. A Creative Attitude: No you can’t eat it but if you see cooking as a creative process, something fun, a chance for adventure then it is nearly guaranteed that you’ll turn out much better food than if you see it as a chore or something to be dreaded. 

Like it or not cooking is something we end up doing a lot of for ourselves once we’ve been divorced and so we might as well go into it properly prepared and with a good attitude.  Hope this helps and of course I’d love to hear from others out there on items you’ve found indispensable in the kitchen.  Until next time have a great weekend, have fun cooking and . . . be well.

Bill

Hey dudesndivorce.com guys!

You may recall in my post from January 21, 2009 “A Follow Up to Keeping the Focus” I mentioned I have a tendency to be like a bulldog and keep on a topic in a conversation, discussion, debate, argument, etc. 

Well, as many times as that as been an aid to me it has just as many times been a hindrance too! I would liken it to getting a form of tunnel vision, I suppose. I get so focused on the subject or topic at hand I tend to lose sight of the actual “big” picture. I momentarily lose sight of how this one issue or matter we may be discussing fits into the “big” scheme of things, especially if that means the other persons life! Doh! Big mistake! 

Yeah, I did this recently. I just got so focused on the issue at hand I lost sight of all the stresses on the other person involved and how these stresses were impacting them and their life, their outlook, their choices, their emotions, etc., etc., etc.! 

Afterwards a light went on in my head and I finally did realize it and, boy, did (still do!!!) I feel like a jerk. The best thing I can do is confess my error and apologize and hope they can and will overlook my shortcomings.

I’ll let you know what happens.

See ya later,

Russ

I’m sure at one time or another you’ve heard about the Polar Bear Club – normally it’s comprised of a group of individuals who clear ice from a section of pond, lake or other body of water in the dead of winter then strip down to their bathing suits and make a running jump right into the middle of the frigid waters.  Personally this has always seemed like good grounds for commitment into a mental health facility (I’m teasing) and I can promise you the only way I’d jump into those waters is if a real polar bear was chasing me!

But you know the other day I was thinking about my history in relationships and I realized that I probably qualify for membership in a Polar Bear Club as well.  But rather than the kind where you get wet this Polar Bear Club would be one in which you jump into relationships with “cold” women.  I don’t mean “Frigid” necessarily . . . but rather just women who are pretty emotionally unavailable for one reason or another.  Maybe they’ve been hurt a lot in the past; or just tend to be more reserved emotionally . . . whatever the reason.  The end result is the same – a relationship in which your emotional needs are largely unmet. 

What’s odd about this pattern of mine was that I’d get out of one relationship like that and next thing you’d know I’d be jumping right into another one!  Kinda like one of those Polar Bear dudes who just manage to get warmed up and then BAM they’re running for another plunge!

Recently I’ve been dating a lady who’s quite a bit more giving of herself and more attentive to my needs than the general norm for me.  I kinda like it!!  And I was thinking about how I kinda like it when I realized that (for once) I’d jumped into a heated pool rather than an iced over lake!!  Amazing how much nicer that is! ~:?)  Heck I might even decide to float around and enjoy the experience for once!

Guess I’m bringing this up just to share a bit about how this has worked for me – I know  patterns in relationships can be pretty common and also pretty difficult to recognize at the time.  Maybe it would have been better for me if I’d took a minute to stop and think before taking the “Plunge” all those times in the past.

Hope this was of some help; until next time . . . be well!

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com guys!

As I have pointed out before it is vitally important we keep aware of our own weak points. Sure, others MAY use them against us, but we do not want to fall victim to our own weaknesses now do we? Or rather become the master of our own demise? I think not.

If I may use myself as an example; I know when I am tired for whatever reason I tend to want to cut things short, to get things done with, as it were. Well, naturally, I tend to make some hasty decisions or stomp on somebody else’s feelings in the process. Neither one very good or productive on a regular basis. 

So when I know I need to be involved in a discussion or situation in which I need to make clear and concise and important decisions I make every effort in advance to get a fair amount of rest to prepare myself for this situation. This helps me. This helps the people I’m involved with. It makes the whole process move smoother.

Now perhaps this isn’t a problem for you. Great! But that’s not my point. My point is, know what your weak point(s) are and make plans and or compensations for them so you aren’t the one paying a hefty price for it later on! Or some one else. (I don’t know about you, but it burns me even more to know someone else is paying for my mistake instead of me!)

See ya later,

Russ

Thought I’d throw out a few more observations about potential pitfalls, deadfalls, pratfalls and windfalls that can befall us men as we fall for women (yet again) post-divorce.

7 – The Maynard G. Krebs Commitment Effect:  I’m probably dating myself here but do any of you remember the old 1960’s series The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis?  Bob Denver (of Gilligan fame) played a young beatnik named Maynard G. Krebs who always responded to the idea of work with a somewhat panicked yelp of “Work!?”.  I think some of us post-divorce men develop a similar aversion to commitment.  we’re all good with the relationship thing until we start to feel some demands for commitment and then we sorta do the Krebesque yelp of “Commitment!?” and make ourselves suddenly scarce. 

8 – Love is in the Air: This is the opposite of #7 above; rather than being afraid of commitment there is a tendency to want to form a deep, lasting and secure connection with a woman pretty quickly.  Maybe this is because of personal insecurity or a lack of confidence or maybe just a fear of the unknown (i.e. life outside a serious relationship).  Whatever the cause it’s not a healthy way to proceed and can really be a detriment to whatever relationship you are actually in.

9 – Snipe Hunt:  No this isn’t an obscene reference!  I’m sure most of you have heard of the prank that seasoned scouts play on greenhorns in which they take them out in the woods at night on a long involved hunt in which they do all sorts of silly things in search of a non-existent animal.   Well some men, post-divorce, play a sort of snipe hunt on themselves in that they get all involved in a fervent pursuit for a type of woman who probably just doesn’t exist.    Maybe their standards are so high that no woman could meet them, or they have to have a combination of traits that are going to be exceedingly rare (Korean ballerinas who moonlight as steel riveters and study astrophysics) or maybe they just seems to always find some fault or another that is a deal-breaker.  Wonder what these guys are really after?

10 – I don’t have a funny title for this last one but it is basically just a reminder that as you get out there into the dating world again that things have changed a bit.  Most of the women you’ll meet have been hurt themselves either through divorce, being widowed or failed relationships that never made it to the altar.  Trust comes much harder now than it did back in high school or college and you will probably find that it takes a lot more effort to build a strong relationship.  Keep that in mind and tread carefully.

I hope these were of some help – not meant to advise but to act as a reminder or a caution sign for those of us stepping out once again into the great big world of romance.

Until next time, be well!

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com dudes!

Often we contemplate our situation and ask ourselves “Why? How did this happen to me? How did my life come to this?” Sure, most will ask themselves this question if divorce was thrust upon them by their spouse. But not all. For some of us our situation may have been more a case of “you could see the writing on the wall” so you initiated the divorce yourself without waiting for her. Or you yourself decided it was the only option.

Regardless, it is natural to at some point cause yourself to reflect back and ask yourself this type of question. And, to be honest, I can’t give you an answer to this question. The answer has far too many variables.

But I do recommend this one thing. Many people get hung up beating themselves over the head over things they had ABSOLUTELY NO control over. 

For Example: I have a friend who divorced. One of the reasons was due to his wife’s repeated irresponsible and erratic behavior due to a mental condition she suffered from that required she maintain a regimen of daily prescription medication, which she often failed to do. This precipitated a domino effect through many aspects of their lives that he was forced to deal with continually. Including destroying their finances and eventually their marriage. For sometime my friend, regardless of the knowledge of his wife’s condition, would repeatedly ask “Why? How could she do this? How could this happen to me?” It took him awhile to come to grips with the fact that he was only responsible for his own behavior and, maybe she was not entirely responsible for her own. He learned to let it go. To his own benefit. That frustration and anger that was building up was released. He consciously decided to no longer focus on it. And, thus to release himself from any guilt associated with something he actually did NOT do.

This may not be your case, but I hope you understand and can apply the concept to your own.

See ya later,

Russ

A few observations on my part about common pitfalls or traps that men tend to fall into once they re-enter the dating world after a divorce.  Been through several of these myself and the rest I’ve seen played out in the lives of friends and co-workers.  Hope these are of at least some help.:

1 –Are You Over Your EX?:   It’s a funny thing about a divorce that even if the marriage was filled with hate and discontent that deep down you can still harbor some positive feelings for your ex-wife.  There are probably all sorts of reasons why this is and often you aren’t even aware of it until much later.  But it’s a good thing to take out and examine honestly with yourself before you consider dating someone else.  Not that having those feelings for the ex precludes dating – but it is much better to go in with eyes wide open and aware of your emotional state than to be surprised later on.

2 – She Ain’t Her: It’s surprising to me how easy it is to transfer issues from one bad relationship onto a brand new one.  I suppose there is some sort of conditioned response thing at work on this.  In other words we get so gun shy about a particular issue that we become hyper-alert, even paranoid, about it coming up again in any new relationships.  I think the best approach on this is just to watch yourself carefully – be aware of how and why you are reacting to things in the new relationship and if you notice this tendency coming up then take steps to make some changes.

3 – Miss Messiah: This is related to number “2″ above but the reaction is different.  This comes up when we expect the new lady in our life to “save” us from all the emotional damage done to us by the ex.  The hallmark here is a feeling of being the victim of our failed marriage.  Relationships based on this premise are rarely successful because it puts a lot of responsibility on the other party.  While I’ll be the first to acknowledge that sometimes a failed marriage exacts a heavy emotional price – healing from that comes from within yourself and is your responsibility – not someone else’s.

4 – Yeehaa!  Men – I think a lot of us who are divorced have been through this in one form or the other.  Basically it involves the sudden realization that we are no longer committed to a one-woman relationship and that we are free to date as often as we want.  Nothing wrong with dating a few people when and if you are emotionally ready.  But now I’ve known a few guys who seemed to consider it a competitive sport of some kind in which the man with the highest score wins.  If this is involving a lot of sexual partners as well then you might want to give some thought towards your physical and emotional health.  I’m sure you’ve probably heard a lot about the various and sundry diseases lurking around out there anymore.  But there is also an often understated or emphasized emotional risk to multiple partners.  Take care of yourself!

5 – SHARK!  I’m sure that this won’t come as a surprise to anyone but I think it bears mentioning that not all the lovely ladies desirous of our attentions are pure of heart or intention.  Predatory behavior is just as common in the fairer sex as it is in our courser one.  I’ve known a few men who got out of one bad relationship only to find themselves involved in one much, much worse.  As Ronnie was wont to say . . . “trust but verify”.

6 – SHARK II – Special warning to those of us who, like me, are of advancing years and waist-lines . . . as glorious as it is for our manly egos to receive attentions from some winsome and willowy babe half our age – remember that there is realistically almost gotta be an ulterior motive.  If she is sexy, single and much younger than you then be suspicious of her attentions.  Not to say it couldn’t be genuine – some younger women really DO find older men more attractive.  But that bunch is rather heavily leavened by a number of ladies who find the bank accounts or older men more attractive.  Not an uncommon tale to hear . . . and who really NEEDS some twenty-something buxom blonde hanging on their arm! (hmmm maybe that didn’t really help my point).

This is a good start but I’ll continue in my next post with a few more – space limitations being what they are.  Hope these have been helpful and if you’ve any to add to the list feel free to leave a comment. 

Until next time – be well!

Bill