So far in this series we’ve looked at how negative self talk leads to a changing perception of the relationship and your partner. How social pressures then pick up and lead one even further along that path and now, in our final post, I’d like to look at how what I call “inertia” can complete the process or “conveyor belt” that leads to a divorce.
What I am calling inertia is a tendency for things to continue to go from bad to worse once the process gets started. It’s partially due to the inner feedback loop that is going on in your own mind as you continue to engage in negative self talk. As pointed out in the earlier post if you are dwelling on someone’s faults, convincing yourself that they are causing you to suffer and harboring anger towards them accordingly then it is going to be reflected in your behavior towards them. Naturally they are going to be hurt, puzzled and upset themselves and will respond as we all do – by becoming defensive. Thus begins the downward trend of a relationship increasingly defined by negativity and suspicion.
Inertia builds further as we begin to feel the social pressure of others with whom we’ve shared our frustrations. The sympathy and encouragement they supply feels great but can carry with it an almost subconscious sense of obligation to “DO SOMETHING” about your predicament. After all you’ve complained about how bad it is and now if you don’t do something to get yourself out of the situation you’ll look like a coward or worse to your “friends”.
Finally inertia takes on a life of its own as you begin to act on these internal and external influences. You start making concrete steps or plans in preparation for a divorce and with each step the reality becomes more and more fixed. I’ve experienced this myself during one of my divorces; with each preparation I made it seemed increasingly inescapable. While at the start I felt a little unsure of myself and maybe a bit like I was jumping the gun – by the time I’d spoken with a lawyer and opened up a personal bank account I had no doubts that things “had” to end in divorce. I suppose there is a sense that you are committing to a plan of action or maybe the concrete steps just solidify all the self talk and outside “advice”. Whatever the reason the act of doing something real other than talking or thinking about it seems to put the whole thing into free fall; a freefall that ends in divorce.
Looking then at the whole conveyor belt effect and the different factors that go into it I think what holds true is that the best place to stop a divorce and preserve a relationship is long before we start making preparations and long before we start complaining to our friends. I think maybe the best time is the first time you catch yourself engaging in that negative self-talk, dwelling on your partner’s faults and shortcomings.
Do we ignore problems in the marriage or relationship? Absolutely not, problems have to be addressed and resolved. Too, it may be that our partner will choose not to change or adapt of grow and that their behavior will become destructive to ourselves or our children . . . there ARE times when divorce truly IS inevitable. But from what I’ve experienced myself or seen play out in the lives of those around me there are a lot of marriages which fail because one or both partners got onto the conveyor belt and never got off. I hope this series has been a help and maybe given a few readers something to consider.
My next post, on Saturday, will be my first review of a book that many of you might find helpful as you work through relationship issues. Until then – Be Well.
Bill
