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So there I was guys, shocked, stunned, and thoroughly amazed at what I had just heard come out of my best friends mouth at me. 

I mean not ten minutes ago had I stepped out of the space ship and into Bill’s house from a week on the beaches of Alpha Centauri! I had been regaling Bill with the tales of my vacation; how I got to meet Abe Lincoln and Winston Churchill (that was one interesting conversation, let me tell you!), how I got to take a 1966 Raquel Welch out on a date to a Buddy Holly concert (all I have to say about that is—Oh My, Oh My, Oh My!!!), or how I got to sail on the deck of the USS Constitution (that’s Old Ironsides, cool huh?) against the British Fleet,  or catch the pass for the winning touchdown in the last second of the championship football game!

All that and all Bill could say to me was—“So ya couldn’t find time to post on the blog, huh?”

I get no respect!

See ya later,

Russ

Whether you are getting married for the first time or the third or maybe you are newly divorced and trying to put together the pieces of what went wrong in your marriage I think it’s important to look at how the path to a divorce can start even before you get married.  What follows are some trends that I’ve noticed in my own life and in the lives of others:

1 – Can You Live With What She Lacks?: There are a lot of reasons why we decide to marry someone or get involved in a relationship with them in the first place.  Normally these reasons are centered on a suite of personal traits or characteristics that we find attractive and compatible.  So far so good; my experience though has taught me that it is just as important to consider what she may LACKING.  Is she domineering? rude? messy? irresponsible with money? demanding? . . .  Look for these things and then sit yourself down and SERIOUSLY ask how you honestly feel about living the rest of your life with someone with that trait.  Understand that she will probably never stop acting that way and more than likely will get worse with age. 

2- Can She Communicate?:   Ok so she’s REALLY cute, is smart and good at what she does . . . but can she communicate with you?  Any long term relationship is going to require a lot of communication in order to get through.  Often new couples will avoid having an argument at all costs – one or both partners will quickly give in to the other rather than risk a fight.  This quickly becomes an expectation in the relationship that carries over into the marriage; wonderful plan until something comes up that is so important that no one wants to give in . . . then we got problems!  Much better to start developing healthy conflict resolution skills from the start; learning how to work on resolving disagreements to your mutual satisfaction and honestly communicating your thoughts, needs and desires with each other.  So ask yourself – can she do that?

3 – Would you Marry Her Mother?:  yeah . . I know . . . disturbing to think about, but the underlying principle is sound.  Someone years ago asked me that same question after I got engaged to my first wife.  The answer was a BIG no!  Her mother was manipulative, deceitful and had some other serious issues I won’t go into right now.  But I told myself that my blushing bride-to-be was different than her mother and ignored the advice.  Well guess what – in a few short years I found myself married to someone who was manipulative, deceitful and had many of the same issues as her mother. . . BIG SURPRISE.  Like it or not, believe it or not, women tend to emulate their mothers.  So if you wouldn’t marry them . . . don’t marry her.  Are there exceptions? I imagine there are but they are few and far between.

4 – Find Her Focus:  What is her true passion and can you share your life with it?  If she is very religious and you aren’t then that may be an issue you need to consider.  Or maybe she’s very much into children and you aren’t or loves working out or yoga or camping or . . . in other words are her passions and yours compatible?  Having separate interests is good and healthy in a marriage and you don’t necessarily have to be “into” everything she enjoys or visa versa but if she’s a vegetarian and you love to hunt then not only are your interests separate; they are diametrically opposed!  While it may be something that can be overlooked in the short-term it’s going to be a potential source of trouble in the long-run

5 – Do You Have Compatible Standards?: We all carry with us certain assumptions about what is acceptable in a variety of areas.  These standards touch on house keeping, income, vehicles, food . . . pretty much everything.  What may be perfectly acceptable for one person may be perfectly UNacceptable to another.  It doesn’t necessarily mean anyone is “picky” or “a slob” it just means that their standards are either a bit above or below our own.  Sometimes these aren’t readily apparent to us as we are dating or we think them unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  But the reality is that differences in standards – even relatively minor ones – can be the source of a lot of problems in a marriage.  If her idea of a “nice restaurant”  involves six forks and “courses” and you think of anything without a drive-thru as “fancy” . . . well then there will be problems come Valentine’s won’t there?  You can surmount these differences but you need to both be aware of them and show that you are able to be flexible; not always an easy thing to do.

these are just a few examples of things to look for as you are dating or looking at moving into another long-term relationship.  They’ve certainly been a factor for me in the past and from what I’ve seen they hold true for many other men as well.  Hope it’s been helpful, until next time . . . Be Well.

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com guys! How are ya today?

Let me introduce myself, if I may, I am Russ the CEO of Mistakes, Inc. That’s right! I have achieved this somewhat envious (or was that dubious?) honor by making more mistakes per capita than most of the human beings in recorded history. Some of my naysayers have contended that my mistakes have not had the,shall we say “impact” or “shock effect” some of my counterparts have had, but I contend that I make up for that by sheer numbers of mistakes. 

Sure, it’s easy to remember those costume foibles during big sporting events before huge TV audiences or national leaders that deny having intercourse with an intern on national TV but I always say those can’t replace the good old reliable stuff like locking your keys in your truck any day! I mean, that’s the tried and true backbone of mistakes, right?  Or mailing a bill without a stamp on it? Huh, that’s a good one too! I got a million of ‘em, pal! I could keep ‘em coming at ya all day if I wanted too!

Now that I’ve built such a great career for myself on this outstanding legacy of mistakes, what should I do with them? 

I’ve considered beating myself over the head endlessly with them. I mean, I’ve got enough of them. If I should ever actually wear one out I have plenty for back up. So this could go on almost forever! With all these mistakes there must come tons of guilt, right? I mean, that’s natural isn’t it? They sorta go hand in hand, don’t they? Let me think, what could possibly come of all this….well, my attitude would probably go in the toilet, my friends and family would probably get sick of hearing it all the time, I’d be depressed all the time, I’d eventually be no fun at all. Wow, now that I think about it, maybe it isn’t such a good idea.

So what’s my other choice? I know! I could learn from my mistakes! Wow, that sounds cool! If I learned from my mistakes I might not repeat them again and I might get wiser! And because I learned from my mistakes maybe some day I could teach others how to do the same! If I do it enough, that is. Hmmmm…..Get smarter, make less mistakes, teach others too. I like that one better.

(If you’ve called me a smarta## at at least 3 times by now your about on target!!!)

See ya later,

Russ

Thought maybe another Recipe post might be appreciated; having been single on and off for quite a few years I know full well how valuable a simple to make yet good to eat recipe can be.  So here are a couple more.

 Country Ribs:

3-5 Country Ribs

1 Green Pepper

¼ to ½ onion

1 stalk celery

1 pkg Lipton Instant Beefy Onion soup

1 bottle of your favorite brand of BBQ sauce

Place ribs in crockpot add Green Pepper cut into 1” squares, diced onion, diced celery and seasonings of your choice.  Dissolve package of Lipton soup into 2 cups hot water and pour over contents of crock pot.  Turn pot on medium, cover and allow to cook until no pink remains in the thickest part of the meat.  Drain off liquid.  Cover ribs in BBQ sauce and place in greased baking dish.  Bake in oven at 375 for aprox. 15-20 minutes.  Personally I like to add the veggies and some of the liquid from the crock pot to a dish of rice for an excellent side.

Enchiladas (kinda)

1 pound ground beef

1 pkg Burrito seasoning

1 small can Mexican chili beans

1 small can Rotel (drained)

1 small can Enchilada sauce

1 pkg large tortillas

16 oz shredded Colby/Jack cheese

 brown hamburger in a frying pan, add burrito seasoning as it is cooking; when hamburger is fully browned drain off excess grease.  Add beans and rotel and mix well.  place three tablespoons of mixture in tortilla, add a couple generous pinches of cheese (about a ¼ cup), carefully roll tortilla and place in a greased 9X9 baking dish (Spray cooking oil works great).  Do as many tortillas as it takes to fill the baking dish (usually 3 – 4).  Pour Enchilada sauce over tortillas and add cheese to taste – place in oven on 375 and bake until cheese is slightly browned and sauce in bubbling.  (hint: any left over meat/bean mixture can be added to a large can of crushed tomatoes and reheated for a simple but passable chili!)

 Both of these recipes should provide enough for at least one dinner and a lunch or dinner the next day.  Of course I’m sure you are going to want to experiment which is why I don’t go into much detail on the particulars – I figure guys are gonna wanna tweak it some for themselves anyway.

Hope you enjoy and until next post – Be Well!

Bill   

Hello dudesndivorce.com guys! 

Anybody see last years big blockbuster hit movie “The Dark Knight”? Since it sold tons of tickets I’m gonna guess at least some of you did! 

Well, perhaps you might remember a scene early in the movie in which the hero, Batman, fights some gang members who uses dogs? He, Batman, later complains that while his armor does protect him it also severely limits his movements, making him less flexible in battle. He decides he is willing to sacrifice the additional protection his suit had been giving him to give himself other advantages that he wasn’t able to have before.  Yes, he realized there came trade-offs with this decision, for example it left him with less protection and thus more vulnerable, more likely to get hurt. But he felt, in the end, he would be more effective.

So what can we possibly learn from this? Many men have a tendency to hide behind a wall emotionally from their wives, their children, their families. Perhaps their culture, their family tradition, their Dad, etc., has taught them this behavior. It can come from too many sources for us to analyze or determine here. But the point is that wall, that armor hinders the development of their relationships. It, by its very nature keeps us from not only reaching out to others but allowing others to get inside of us and truly find out who we are. Yes, we may be protected and get hurt less often but our relationships are much less rich, deep, intense, and vibrant.

By exchanging this heavy armor for something much lighter, yes, we may get hurt more often, but the positive trade-off is this, our lives are much more developed, much richer, much more memorable. Our relationships fuller, more exciting, more worthwhile. Personally, I see this as a good exchange. I hope you do too. I understand some of you may not. Some may still be stinging from a recent harsh and deep emotional pain. I can understand that, this takes time to heal. But for the rest of us, let us consider the lesson of “The Dark Knight”’s armor exchange. Perhaps we can learn something from Hollywood after all!

See ya later!

Russ

Valentine’s day, I think this has to be one of the most difficult holidays of the year for a divorced man.  It seems tailor-made to remind us of missed opportunities, lost love and loneliness. Everywhere you turn there are happy couples enjoying romantic interludes together and there you are thinking of Valentine’s past.  Yeah like Christmas and Father’s Day it can be one of those that we’d just as soon got over with as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, since there’s no way to speed up time, we have to get through it somehow and so I thought I’d throw out a few strategies that have helped me.

1 – Avoid going out to eat or to a public place where “dating” couples are going to be.  No sense in rubbing salt into fresh wounds and just seeing happy couples together can be pretty depressing. 

2 – Soooo stay home and rent a movie or two; not Casablanca or Sleepless in Seattle either!!  How about The Dirty Dozen or Rambo??  A good action flick where the closest thing to romance is the way the hero treats his gun.

3 – If movies aren’t your thing then find a good book and loose yourself in it – or work on the car or organize your fishing gear or whatever you like to do that will help get your mind off of the holiday.

4 – Conversely, for some guys, maybe a better tact to take is to create some new memories to super-impose over the old ones.  Rather than celebrating romantic love use it to celebrate the love you have for your daughter or mom or sister.  Take one, or all of them, out to dinner, buy them some flowers and some chocolates and let them know how much you love and appreciate them.  That, after all, is what Valentines is really all about.  Believe me you will make their day!

5 – Personally I would steer clear of the tendency some men have of trying to find a date for that special evening.  At least be clear in your own mind what your motivation is and where it comes from.  No sense making matters worse than they need to be for yourself.

That’s about all I have and I guess it boils down to either distracting yourself from the holiday or reframing it with some equally pleasant memories than those you may have of you and your ex-wife.  Hope these help some or at least give you some ideas to think on.

Until next time then, be well!

Bill

Hey dudesndivorce.com guys!

An event or rather a conversation I had with a co-worker and friend recently highlighted something I have been posting about and (I think you know) I feel strongly about, passion and romance in a relationship particularly after marriage.

**As usual I will change the name(s) of my friend(s) to protect their identities.

My friend recently tells me his wife’s birthday is this week and she had mentioned to him she really wanted to get dressed up and go out with him. 

(Analysis: Her birthday is approaching. It is obviously so important to her that she takes the initiative and comes to him and states her wishes, her desires. As I have mentioned before, women, wives, girlfriends will often communicate to you what they are looking for in the relationship, it is merely up to you to listen and pick up on those clues! )

(Deeper Analysis: What is she trying to say to him? What is she trying to communicate to him? As I mentioned before in some of my earlier posts women and wives (Jeez, all of us really!) have the need to feel important. We especially want to feel important to our spouse. In essence she is coming to him and telling him how he can make her feel important, how he can show her where she falls in his personal hierarchy. This is or was a moment, an opportunity for him to affirm her place in his heart or rather their relationship to her.)

My friend responded with a simple, “Ok, we can do that” and later took the time to call around and even ask some people for suggestions for a nice restaurant to take her to. A day or two goes by and she mentions it again in conversation. When he tells her he has made the reservations she sort of “poo-poo”s the whole thing off as if he is making too big a deal out of it or has done to much. My friend responds by saying “Fine, I’ll cancel the reservations.” Which he did. He can be quite literal at times!

(Analysis: My friend tried to play it cool when he decided to acquiesce to her wishes. That’s his style I suppose or perhaps he wanted to downplay it so he could surprise her with a really nice night out, something more than she was expecting.  But maybe it would have been more affirming to be enthusiastic in his response to her idea or to just being with her in general. Later when she returned to him, she also tried to play it cool and downplay the whole situation. However that doesn’t change her initial desire or need to feel important or to be told she is important to her husband. Perhaps, we can see some game playing and positioning here in this relationship.)

Later in the week as her birthday approaches she asks him again about going out to which he curtly replies, “I canceled those reservations! I thought you didn’t want to go!” Naturally she gets upset and states that she will just go out with her friends then and stomps off.

(Analysis: Again she wanted to hear him affirm her by confirming their plans for her birthday, her big night. When he told her he had cancelled the reservations, it told her two things. 1) that she is not important to him and 2) that he doesn’t listen to her. Yes, yes, I understand her communication may seen muddled and illogical to him, to you and I. But that is how she chose to communicate. Regardless how she chose to communicate listening is an ACTIVE part of communication, not passive. The husband needs to be aware of his wife’s needs and try to understand  the many ways she can and will communicate to him)

(Further Analysis: Remember, even though it is her birthday it is very significant her first choice of how to spend it was to have an evening out alone with him. Not a party! Not to go see family! Not to be loaded down with gifts, but merely to get dressed up and go out to a nice dinner with him and him alone. I don’t know about you, but I would consider that a big compliment.)

Remember, I’m not a psychologist, a marriage counselor, or a professional in any of those related fields. I’m just a guy with some thoughts and experiences willing to share them with you. I hope they help.

See ya later,

Russ