Hello dudesndivorce.com guys!
We are have rules we obey. Some are forced on us from without, some we place upon ourselves to direct us, guide us, or to keep us focused when all around us turns chaotic. Maybe some of us derive it down to just one rule or guideline, like Curly’s “just one thing” in the movie “City Slickers”, or we may have many rules or even multiple sets of rules to guide us through the challenges of life.
As I went through the gauntlet known as divorce and the immediate post divorce phase I sat down and penned out 5 simple rules for myself to guide the “change” I was undergoing. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I knew all the problems in my marriage could not be blamed on my ex-wife so I also needed to undergo change if I wanted success in any other relationship I should engage in.
If I may, I would like to share them with you;
#1: Past mistakes do not mean future failure.
Yes, I am able to admit I made mistakes in my previous marriage. Those were mine and I take full responsibility for them. But I also had to come to a point where I could move beyond those mistakes. I had to reach a point where I could look at those mistakes, recognize them, but no longer chastise myself endlessly for them. Instead I could learn from them, grow from them, and build on that learning process. I could free myself from that repetitive process of committing the same mistake after the same mistake.
Just because I had commited a certain mistake in the past did NOT enslave me to always commit that mistake forever! I had the power to determine the outcome. I had the power to change. I had my hand at the tiller, so I could enact a course change. [See my Feb. 11, 2009 post "The Most Powerful Force"]
In other words, I had the power to change. I was not a slave to my past.
This was very liberating for me. And powerful. When I fully grasped it.
And, to be honest, it is easy to lose sight of this. It is so easy to fall back in the habit of self blame. So, like the firm hand on the rudder of a ship, I need to use this guide post and direct my thoughts accordingly. It takes training, just as any other habit or skill does. It takes tame and commitment, effort, patience, and practice. But eventually you get it. And it’s worth it!
Next post, guide post #2.
See ya later,
Russ
P.S.
This also allows a person to look back at their previous relationship(s) and glean out lessons. To say, “Wow! I really messed that one up. I think now I would’ve done it this way. It probably would have worked out better.” Or, “Now that one, I honestly think I handled pretty well. I’ll have to remember that one. I can learn from that.”
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