As I’ve read Russ’s posts over the last few days one of underlying elements that’s I’ve really liked is the importance of taking personal responsibility for where you are in life. Sure the actions of an ex-wife might have contributed but in the end it is the decisions we make that determine how those actions impact our life.
Unfortunately many divorced men fall into the trap of blaming all the woe in their lives on someone else and accept a feeling of powerlessness over their situation. In short they become “Victims” of the divorce. Now I’m not arguing that sometimes court decisions can be extremely biased against the man and can put him in a very difficult financial and emotional place. But while our power to change such things may realistically be somewhat limited; what we allow that to do to us internally is completely up to us.
I believe strongly that we choose constantly between the role of “Victim” or “Victor” between giving away power and responsibility for our lives or taking that self-determination upon ourselves. I’ve watched a lot of people as they respond to heartache and challenges and it seems like those who take the higher (if initially more difficult) path of the Victor always come out much better in the end than the Victims.
Of course “Victorhood” is much more difficult than Victimhood; it requires us to accept responsibility for our role in current circumstances, it refuses to accept the sympathy of others or the part of martyr. We have to face challenges head on and wrestle with them until they are overcome. It requires vigorously maintaining a sense of optimism and self-efficacy, even despite apparent facts to the contrary. Whereas with victimhood you only need lay back and suffer the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” with Victorhood you must “take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them”. The choice is ours, is ALWAYS ours, and we make it daily in how we respond internally to even the smallest external events. If you get behind a slow driver you can bemoan the “fact” that you “ALWAYS” get behind a slow driver . . . or you can turn up the radio and sing along or plan your next fishing trip or think about ways to get ready a few minutes earlier in the morning or . . . whatever. In short you can’t do anything about the amount of force the driver in the other car exerts on his accelerator – but you can choose how you are going to interpret the situation and use it either for or against yourself.
Victim or Victor – the choice is yours!
Be well
Bill
