Hello dudesndivorce.com readers.
After reading Bill’s first post in his next series I have a feeling it will be a great one. Please come back and check the blog to keep up on his excellant writing. I feel Bill is able to offer great insights and is a gifted writer so is able to effectively communicate his ideas to you, our readers.
Russ
One of the more prevalent myths that many believe about divorced men is that they unaffected, or affected much less than women by the break-up of their marriage. By and large it seems that many people assume that a divorced man, deep down inside, is glad to be rid of “the old ball and chain”. Probably this misconception is based, at least in part, on the tendency for men to down play their feelings and put up a “false front”. They may complain to each other about what a witch the ex was or how cold she was in bed or how much money she spent. But in every conversation I’ve ever had with other divorced men no one ever said “you know what – I loved my wife deeply and it hurt like hell loosing her.”
But the truth is many divorced men DID and still DO love their wives and many ARE hurting like hell. There may have been a lot of problems in the marriage, many fustrations and hurts and betrayals of trust. It may have finally gotten so bad that one or both of you HAD to call it quits. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to do so; didn’t mean that their wasn’t a loss. All of this is even more true if you were suprised by the divorce – if she cheated on you or simply and suddenly called it quits.
I’ve seen a lot of guys who were shredded inside emotionally but felt that, somehow, that made them abnormal. They believed the myth that other guys just don’t hurt that much and don’t have too hard a time getting over it and moving on. Let me tell you – feeling one way and acting another can be a pretty hard way to try to live your life. That’s part of why Russ and I started this site – to give men a chance to share the reality of what they are going through without all the macho posturing bullshit.
This ties in with the next myth about divorced “dudes” which I’ll cover on Saturday. Until then I hope something I said here was of help and maybe has given you something to think about.
Be Well!
Bill
Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!
Another aspect of a successful and satisfying relationship is that both partners are willing to share the responsibilities in the relationship. Certainly each relationship is different but I would like to discuss a general rule of thumb that I think we could find helpful.
MUTUALLY AGREEING ON A FAIR DISTRIBUTION OF WORK.
This is rather important. Much like the unfair economic burden I wrote about in “Economic Partnerships” if one partner must bear an undue burden of housework, for example, for a long period of time it begins to wear on that person and eventually the relationship. Many studies have gone into the distribution of housework among married couples and while they do have a tendency to over generalize I do believe we can garner some direction from them. Basically most men, especially those in households in which both partners work outside the home, need to take up some additional responsibilities on helping to run the home in which they live.
Try to step back outside yourself and look at your and your spouses distribution of housework as if you were an unbiased person looking at the two of you. Would that person see a fair distribution of the workload in your home? What would they see? Would they see your wife overstressed due to working full time AND doing a large percentage of the housework? Would they see opportunities for you to step in and help out?
If you can’t do that simply go to your spouse and tell them, “Honey, I have been thinking about this and I would like to help you by doing more of the housework. What chores can I do to help you out the most?” If you have an otherwise healthy relationship with your wife this can have a profound effect. Why? Because it communicates two vital emotions to her, caring and respect. You’ve displayed that you have not only noticed this issue but care enough to move on it. And you’ve displayed respect for her by coming to her and asking for her ideas. What I call a “twofer”. Also this is often interpreted as a commitment issue. In other words you do this you are showing her you are more committed not only to the relationship, but to her as a person. Very important!
So I guess that makes it the “trifecta!”
Russ
Kind of an odd title really, if you think about it; after all what profit could there be in writing an article with such a title for a site designed for Divorced “Dudes”? Wouldn’t . . . shouldn’t they already know these purported truths? I think the answer is both “yes” and “no”. I agree that we divorced men already know many of these “truths” I’m about to present but they tend to only know these about themselves personally. I think many divorced men feel pretty alone, isolated, solitary. Many don’t realize that the issues they deal with day in and day out are pretty commonly experienced by divorced men everywhere.
In the following series I’d like to open up for discussion a handful of commonly held myths about divorced men and contrast these to what I feel is a closer representation of the truth. In part I’m doing this to hopefully educate a few members of the general population who happen to come across this on the web. But my central purpose is to get divorced men thinking about some of the assumptions we make about other divorced men. I think it is empowering for the individual to realize he’s not so alone after all. And that is really one of the greatest purposes of this site – to get men talking, thinking and sharing with each other about the impact of divorce on their life. Seems the best way to get that ball rolling is to encourage us to start realizing we have a lot in common with each other.
Unfortunately our society tends to typecast divorced men into either playboys or losers. Either we’re driving a Porche and dating supermodels or we’re driving a Pacer and can’t GET a date. But the reality is, of course, that the vast majority of divorced men fall between these two extremes. We aren’t oversexed playboys, we aren’t all “deadbeat dads” and we all have some baggage that we’re still trying to deal with.
I’ll start the series in earnest on Thursday and continue with an issue each post until we get through. As always I invite comments, feedback and suggestions. Feel free to leave those below or write us at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com
Until then – Be Well!
Bill
Hello dudesndivorce.com readers! Welcome back to another glorious week!
Ancient history records that Zen masters when asked how they achieved enlightenment, responded so,
“WHEN I WALK, I JUST WALK. WHEN I EAT, I JUST EAT.”
In todays 24/7 multitasking world they sure would have been out of place! So intent and focused on whatever they were doing at the moment that no other event or thing entered their mind to clutter their thoughts.
A real contrast to today’s world in which so many of us pride ourselves on being able to do many things all at once!
But, just for the sake of experiment, just to be crazy, what would happen if we tried out this concept? Maybe not throughout our entire lives, but through only a segment (I mean, let’s not go crazy here!).
What if, for even a brief part of the day, we set all else aside and just was a husband? Just 5 or 10 or 15 minutes. What would you do if you were going to be ONLY a husband to your wife for the next 15 minutes? Let’s not worry about the 15 minutes after that or the 15 minutes before. Just be the husband for that 15 minutes, nothing else. What would happen? Could you do it?
What about being a Dad? Could you set aside everything else to be ONLY a Dad to your child for the next 15 minutes? If you did, what would the impact be? To you? To your child?
What would the impact be of ONLY being a husband for 15 minutes? To you? To your wife? To your children? Your family?
Some studies say that the single greatest thing a man can do for his family is show his wife love. It has a positive ripple effect throughout the entire family, through each family member and their relationships and self image. Just this ONE thing.
If you think about it, it sorta makes that ball game on TV seem a little trivial doesn’t it?
Russ
Ever heard anyone say that to you dudesndivorce.com readers?
Listening is one of the most under rated and overlooked skills in our society today, yet it is and has always been one of the most vital.
Many of us grow up thinking of listening as a passive activity, in which the listener is supposed to simply “be there” and “soak things up like a sponge”. That tends to present a rather benign outlook towards listening. Often in our culture men are taught to be aggressive, action oriented, get things done type people. And this attitude of passivity in listening is certainly contrary to that!
Often we find ourselves already plotting our response to what the other person is saying while they are speaking instead of actively listening to what they are actually saying! When I was young and married an older married man pointed out to me, “If your already thinking of what you will say next instead of listening to what your wife is saying, your not listening!” He was so right. I started to stop thinking about my next response (not only in conversations with my wife, but with everybody) and started to learn what it meant to really listen.
I began to focus on them, their words, their message to me, their complete and entire message. I began to have a greater understanding of their (as I call them) “whys and wherefores”. As I listened attentively, actively I began to understand. Not always agree, mind you, but understand. Then, with greater understanding, I could move forward with a much better response. If we were discussing an issue in which we had some difference this could allow me to find some plan to meet everyone’s ideas of success. Why? Because I listened and learned what her ideas for success were or goals. I could suggest a mutually agreeable solution.
And finding a good ,mutually agreeable solution is what I was after.
Listening is key.
Russ
Yesterday’s post by Russ really got me to thinking about how relationships function very much in economic terms.
We are, none of us, infinite beings; we all have limits to how much we can give, care, work, worry, hope and even love. While we may care very, very deeply for another and they may care just as deeply for us it is possible to have that love exhausted if it is not nurtured and renewed. In his post Russ talked a bit about making sure that the burden of sacrifice doesn’t always fall on the same person – sage observation!! I can think of very few things that will exhaust the love and caring in one person’s heart for another than for that other to always demand sacrifice and never give in kind.
This is where, to my mind, the economics come in. Because we are not infinite everything we do is in relative short supply. We must produce more if we are to continue supplying it to another. This is why in your relationship with your employer they recompense your labour with money – the money provides food, utilities, housing . . . all of the things necessary to remain a fairly healthy and well functioning person so you can continue to provide the company with labour. (Ideally anyway). No company hires you on, pays you once and then expects you to continue to work for them for years and years without any further paychecks.
This same basic principle applies to a romantic relationship as well. You can’t take on the “job” of ”Lover” (physically and emotionally) get one big dose of “lovin’” and then stop receiving from your partner any further love, romance, respect, caring and warmth. Those are the “Paychecks” so to speak for being a lover. If they stop paying you those things then pretty soon you start finding it very hard to continue to love in return. And for clarification by “love” I don’t mean just the emotional thrill that commonly is associated with that word – I’m speaking of the caring commitment and partnership that exists between two people involved in a healthy relationship.
I think this is why a lot of marriages fail – both parties do a lot of inflated advertising about what great benefitts they’ll provide as “employers” during the dating/application stage; but after they get together in a relationship the reality of day to day living and personal issues begin to result in much smaller paychecks than promised. The results are just as they would be in a job – dissatisfaction, anger and sadly sometimes even some hunting for a new “employer”.
So the thought I’ll leave you with is this: Remember to give as richly to your lover as you want to receive yourself. Never let their loving kindnesses go unnoticed and un-rewarded.
Be well
Bill
