Good day gentlemen! I have really enjoyed the last couple posts by Russ regarding commitment. Not only is it a vital piece to any long-term marriage – it really is quite an issue for us divorced men who are thinking about or are currently returning to a serious relationship. Some time ago I was involved in just such a relationship and was dealing with some real commitment issues that kept coming up. During that time I read the following book and found it to be very helpful to me personally as well as providing some great insights into the behavior of my partner. So – I thought I’d write up a quick review of the book for those of you who might be interested.
He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, 1993, Dell Publishing (check it out on our banner ad)
This is one of those books that if it applies to you it REALLY applies to you and if it doesn’t well then it just doesn’t. For myself it certainly does apply and so I found it to be very helpful in understanding why I do/did some of the stuff I did and still do at times. The book is great at helping the reader see patterns that they might not have been aware of previously.
The book is divided into two sections; the first explains the different ways people avoid commitment and the second is basically a guide to determining if you have problems with commitment issues yourself.
In the first section the authors cover two types of people who seem to run into problems with committed relationships. The first set are those who are actively avoiding committed relationships while the second set is comprised of those who are passively avoiding them. Each type is explained through short vignettes of persons who exemplify the particular type and also through a very thorough discussion by the authors. In reading this first part of the book I took it one chapter per night and found it easy to do so. The authors keep the discussion interesting and practical (rather than going off into lots of psychology) and this allows the reader to focus on the potential application to himself.
The second section is a bit more involved and I recommend working through this at whatever pace you need. There are sets of questions that are basically there for you to ask yourself; some more vignettes of people with specific types of commitment issues (these are there for you to compare yourself with) and some helpful advice and guidance that can be good “grist for the mill” if it applies to you.
Overall I think the book is a helpful read for anyone coming out of a committed relationship or who finds themselves experiencing a string of failed relationships; it can also be helpful to those who have been jilted by a commitment-phobic partner and find themselves with lots of unanswered questions.
Overall it is a very readable book that is filled with good, application oriented material and is helpful in understanding and identifying a variety of commitment issues in yourself and others.
So, anyway, there you have it – for what ever it may be worth. Hope this is of some help to someone out there.
Be well!
Bill
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