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I suppose no one reading this blog needs to be told that divorce is a horrible thing.  Doesn’t matter how much it is needed or how hard everyone tries to get along during – it is still tantamount to an amputation with all of the associated pain and loss.  But eventually the “surgery” is over, the amputation is finished and for better or worse you find yourself recovering and ready to move forward with your life.  From what I have seen in others and experienced myself it seems that there are two ways to go at this point in your life: forward or backwards. Either you can continue to harbor anger or guilt or loss over your past marriage or your can accept that what’s done is done and begin taking steps towards rebuilding.

I wrote a half-serious post a while back about the fearsome “Divorceoraptor” alluding to those individuals who get so wrapped up in their anger and bitterness towards their divorce and their ex-spouse that basically those things become the center of their lives and very miserable and un-happy lives they are at that!  I’m a big believer in the adage that where you focus your attention there is where you are.  If you focus on past hurts then in a way they never make it to your past – they never go away – they are always your PRESENT hurts because you are PRESENTLY focused on them.  Makes sense doesn’t it?  I think the key is to forgive; to let it go; to move on with your life.  Otherwise why bother getting the divorce at all?  Seems to me that if you and your wife are always hurting each other to the point that life is a very unhappy and painful thing for both of you – and you get divorced because of that and then spend the next 20 or 30 years rehearsing those past hurts, nursing those old wounds and never letting go of your anger towards your now ex wife . . . well what really has changed?  She is still hurting you and the marriage is still hurting you even though both have been gone for years! 

A much healthier way of getting on with your life, post divorce, is to do just that . . . get on with it!  It does take time to recover, forgive and move on but the direction should be towards each day or month or year feeling less hurt from the past.  In a really bad marriage (the only kind that should end in divorce by the way) your life basically stops; your growth as a person is stunted and hindered by the unhealthy and toxic environment that you are living in.  When that marriage ends, the toxic environment should also end (if you allow it to per what I wrote above) and you can begin to resume healthy growth.  From what I’ve observed the men who do best after their divorces are those who become very focused on renewal.  Renewal of their relationships with their children, family and friends; renewal of their goals and hopes and dreams; renewal of their careers, hobbies and education.  In short they focus their energy on reinventing and improving their whole lives.  It’s part recovery, part healing and part picking up their lives and setting a course for where they want to be as a whole person.

I’ll pick up this theme of renewal in my next post but until then I suggest pondering some of these points and considering how this applies to your own situation.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill