First of all I want to start with a brief apology – My internet service has been down at home and so I’ve been unable to make my posts on time; hopefully that problem will be resolved soon. Okay now on to the post. . . ..
As we discussed in Saturday’s post; just like many pieces make up a whole jigsaw puzzle, so we are each comprised of many different pieces that make up our whole person. A divorce is essentially the removal of one of those pieces from your life which is never an easy thing. We also talked about how an unhealthy marriage relationship can basically taint many of the other pieces of our life such as our relationships with our children and that after the divorce it is necessary to take steps to renew those other pieces and rid them of the negative effects of that unhealthy marriage.
I think we all agree that recovery and renewal are good things, even necessary things . . . but why then is it that we’re so often hesitant to take steps in that direction? I’d say probably the biggest cause is a fear of change. There are plenty of reasons why we distrust and avoid change but probably one of the biggest has to do with a sense of safety.
We tend to feel more secure dealing with a known quality than stepping out into new territory. Let’s look at relationships for example; imagine you are in a relationship with someone in which there is a pattern or a custom so to speak of always avoiding direct confrontation. Whenever there is a problem the two of you dance around it, ignore it and avoid resolving it. Obviously that’s a relationship in need of some healthy change; yet you’ll find that most people in that situation will avoid making the needed changes for years and years until things get so bad that it becomes a crisis. As a very wise man told me years ago – “the greatest motivation for change is pain.” (now THAT’S a T-SHIRT!!) Why is that? Why all the hesitation and avoidance to resolve what is probably not an insurmountable problem? Well – we know the rules! We know how to act, what to expect, what to do in that relationship when there is conflict – it may not work great but it is comfortable. If we take steps to make a change . . . well ANYTHING could happen!! We don’t know what the new rules will be, how the other person will react, what to expect . . . and that isn’t very comfortable now is it?
The relationship above is just one example of how we dislike the threat of change to our safety and security (and comfort) and therefore try to avoid it until things get so bad that we can’t do otherwise. As a result we also loose out on the opportunity to renew our lives and our relationships into something much healthier. When you are coming out of a divorce you are in a unique time of opportunity in your life. You’ve faced your fear of change and already made a big adjustment that has had a trickle down effect on many, many other areas of your life. You’ve essentially reinvented yourself almost by default! The opportunity then is right there in front of you to continue to conquer that fear of change, to keep up that inertia of reinvention. Take the time to examine closely each facet of your life, each piece of your self-puzzle and identify what needs a dose of healthy change. Are there some old patterns in your relationships with your kids that need changing? Are you happy in your career? Want to go back to school? Learn a new skill? Take up a new hobby? NOW is the time to reinvent and renew yourself!
What if it’s been several years since your divorce and you never really made those changes at that time . . .maybe you find yourself back in a comfortable if not entirely healthy and satisfying rut? Well – good question! Let’s discuss that on Saturday in my next post. As always – until that time if you’ve any thoughts, contributions to the discussion at hand or questions . . . please feel more than free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com Would love to hear some feedback from everyone!!
Until then – Be Well!!
Bill
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