For the last couple weeks I’ve been publishing some posts that focus on the idea of recovering and rebuilding after an unhealthy marital relationship ends in divorce. We’ve looked at how the unhealthy relationship in your marriage can negatively effect many other areas of your life and that they don’t just magically get better once the marriage ends. Like every other illness there is a recovery time.
But I’ve had conversations with some guys who seem to feel that maybe all this rebuilding, reinventing and renewing stuff really isn’t all that important. The common theme seems to be that as long as you are fairly comfortable and there are no big problems – then leave well enough alone. To me that approach sounds like a guy who sees the “Check Engine” light is on in his car, smells oil burning, and hears a loud knocking sound saying “Oh well – it get’s me where I wanna go most of the time and the seats are comfortable and I really don’t want to spend any money on it so why mess with repairs?”
It is – of course – your life. You can pretty much do with it what you want. But let me throw out three reasons why I think that it DOES matter:
Children: Whatever was going wrong in your marriage, it impacted your children. They got to have a front row seat through the entire “Main Event” and saw first hand all of the arguments, the passive aggression, the hurting and the avoidance. Every family has a “culture” a way things are done, taboos and an unwritten code of conduct. Kids absorb that culture and make it their own. If you had an unhealthy marriage chances are wonderful that your family has developed an unhealthy culture. That doesn’t just go away because the parents get divorced. You can’t fix all of it but you can set a great example by starting to work on yourself. No matter what age your children are they will be influenced by your decision to build a healthier life. If they see you facing tough truths about yourself, making the effort to change communication patterns and addressing those “elephants” that everyone’s been tiptoeing around for years; then they are very liable to start the process themselves. In short you can be the catalyst to changing your family’s culture.
Future Relationships: Wasn’t that last marriage so much fun!?! Want to do it all again? Most of you are probably saying OH HECK NO!! (or something stronger). Yeah – if you are like me you’d probably rather get kicked upside your head every day for the rest of your life than have to repeat your last marriage. Just no fun at ALL! Well guess what? If you don’t spend some time finding out what it was in YOU that contributed to all of that joviality then you are probably going to end up right back at square one. Like history those who do not study their role in an unhealthy relationship are bound to repeat it.
Your Health: It isn’t any secret that inner health is reflected in physical health. If you have issues that you aren’t working on then they are going to eventually result in physical symptoms. Unresolved anger, a tendency to swallow anger, constant frustration, feeling insufficient or incompetent even a broken heart can result in physical changes in your body that will destroy your health. When you face up to those things (possibly with the help of a counselor or clergyman) it sure isn’t much fun but it leads to a much healthier and happier you in the long run. And don’t forget that self-improvement can include getting in better shape as well. Loosing some pounds, getting some exercise, eating better . . . these all lead to better health.
There are many other reasons to work on rebuilding and renewing yourself after a divorce but these are three pretty good ones (at least in my opinion); worth maybe thinking about anyway.
Until next time – Be Well!!
Bill
