Hello Gentlemen!
I’ve been reading William Bennett’s: The Moral Compass recently and came across a piece that I thought had some great applications for men who are having to deal with difficult ex-wives or other situations pertaining to divorce. The piece in question is a Civil War era story that was at one point part of children’s daily readers (this back in the bad old days before moral instruction of the young was frowned upon). I won’t repeat the whole story here but basically a boy’s father becomes exasperated with his misbehavior and decides that he will drive a nail in a post every time the boy does something wrong and will pull one every time the boy does something right. Initially the lesson does not go to heart and in short order the post is covered with nails – this eventually sinks in and the boy starts to turn his behavior around. As he does so the father pulls more and more nails until eventually they are all gone but one. But when the father goes to pull the last nail he is surprised when the boy breaks into tears rather than celebration at the removal of the last nail. When asked, the boy explains that he’s upset because of all the SCARS left by the nails since removed. Of course the story makes the point that you can never completely undo a wrong. That each time you are unkind, hurtful, dishonest, etc . . .. you leave a “scar” and that while you can go back and make amends and cease and desist from repeating that wrong again – there is still a residual hurt.
As I read the story it occurred to me that this is not only true of little boys trying to become men of good character – it is also true of men of good character caught up in a divorce. More than any other life event I believe a divorce will test your patience and your character. It is extremely easy to let the stress and hurt of the thing overwhelm your better judgment or even to make you feel like you are justified in acting dishonestly or with malice. Can’t tell you how often I’ve heard men say in defense of something hurtful or wrong they’ve done to their ex that “Well the B***h deserved it!”.
Problem is that those acts don’t just disappear and no matter how justified they seem at the time they leave a scar that can impact relationships for years (and not just with her but with your children who witness it as well!).
I always suggest to couples getting a divorce that they try whenever possible to take the high road. You have to defend yourself of course and there is no guarantee that the other party will act rightly as well. But as much as possible, whenever possible refrain from being hurtful or dishonest and never take advantage of the other person when they are down. Act as if you were going to have to explain your actions to your children or grandchildren 20 years from now . . . because chances are – you will!
Hope that gave you something to ponder on.
Be Well!
Bill
