Ok – here’s the deal on sex after divorce as I see it. Yes physical intimacy is great stuff and yes it’s true that often after a divorce a person feels very lonely and isolated – sex seems like a wonderful answer to that deep loneliness. But the way that I see it – sex isn’t simply a physical act – like brushing your teeth or vacuuming the rug. There is an emotional component to it as well. Naturally that’s part of why it’s such a wonderful experience – because there is an emotional need met as well as a physical one. If the same were true of tooth brushing then dentist would all be out of work! But because of that emotional component the cost can be pretty high if you are still emotionally fragile from your divorce. Only you can know.
For those of you who are thinking they could do without the complications, worries and potential hurts of a physically intimate relationship right now – that is a great personal insight and responsible decision. BUT – how do we keep with that choice? You and I both know that when it comes to sex the mind is often ready to abstain but the flesh . . . eh not so much!
So here are some “tricks” that I’ve found helpful over the years:
1 – As I’ve mentioned in other posts I am a big believer that where your focus is – there you are. It’s the things that we think about, dwell upon and place our focus on that influence how we act and believe. The same is true of sex. If you say that you want to abstain but then spend every spare moment entertaining thoughts on the matter . . . well I’m not bettin’ the farm on your ability to achieve your goal. It takes a lot of mental discipline but work on building the habit of refocusing your attention elsewhere when those thoughts start. You can just consciously decide to think about something else; takes some time but it can be mastered with practice. My favorite trick is to distract myself with something I enjoy doing – for instance I enjoy gardening . . . so when those thoughts start in I just shake my head (the slight disorientation of shaking your head “no” helps disrupt the thought process) and start planning my garden for next spring or making a to-do list for things I need to do in my garden. This will work for any hobby.
2 – Stay away from porn. It’s everywhere now and with the internet you can access just about anything imaginable. But once again – where is your focus? I’m thinking that if you are watching a porn clip that you probably aren’t thinking about gardening! Porn also tends to make women into objects – it depersonalizes them and present a very skewed and sick perspective on male/female relations. While you may understand that intellectually, prolonged exposure to porn will start to impact your perceptions and habits of thought towards women. Not a good way to heal emotionally or to prepare yourself for one day having a healthy relationship.
3 – Don’t put yourself in situations that might present opportunity for failure. In other words don’t let your friends talk you into going to a singles bar or a strip club or some other “target rich” environment. In fact it doesn’t even have to be somewhere as dark as those – Singles Groups in churches can be pretty dangerous as well! (believe it or not). Doesn’t mean you have to nail your door shut from the inside and become a recluse . . . we all need social interaction and denying yourself of that can be just as problematic . . . but aim at things like civic organizations, hobby clubs, book clubs, church activities . . . things without a predominately single female demographic. In fact those kinds of activities can help reduce the feeling of loneliness and focus more of your attention on hobbies or outside activities – good medicine!
4 – Accountability! Find someone who will hold you accountable and to whom you can go when times get rough. A friend, pastor, counselor, brother . . . someone who you can call when sorely tempted. Being able to process and vent these things with another guy is very helpful. Someone who really understands the problems of being a single/divorced man is best. You don’t want someone whose going to pound you on the back and say “Attaboy!” if you fail – nor – someone who’ll deck you with a 73 pound King James Reference Bible. Sometimes that can be harder to find than you might believe.
5 – Finally – and probably most importantly - for any of this to work you have to re-invent how you perceive yourself. You have to be able to know yourself as a man you abstains from sex (at least for now) and you have to be proud of that part of your character. Best example I can give is from an experience of my own. Many years ago I was a smoker – smoked a pack of Pall Mall’s a day – eventually I made the decision to quit and stuck with it. Part of what helped me do that is I started to SEE myself and THINK of myself as a non-smoker! I’ll be honest – even today almost 20 years later – I have moments in which I would REALLY like a smoke! But I don’t because I’m not a smoker! To be successful at this decision to refrain from sex you are going to need to SEE yourself and THINK of yourself in those terms. Now hopefully it won’t be twenty years of abstention – eventually you’ll recover and heal and be ready to have an emotionally healthy and physically intimate relationship again. But that day will come quicker if you abstain than otherwise – and the tricks I mentioned above should help you in doing that.
I hope this was of help.
Until next time – Be Well!
Bill
