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The fourth virtue in William Bennett’s Book of Virtues is Friendship and for very good reason; true friendship is, in my humble opinion, a very noble and unique force in human relationships.  Friendship involves love but without the sense of either obligation or reward inherent in most other applications of that ultimate human experience.  For friendships involve neither the blood ties of family relationships nor the passions fundamental to romantic attachments.  Friendship seems to contain a greater measure of altruism than any other interaction between two human beings.  While anyone who has experienced true friendship will tell you that it is very rewarding – the rewards have a different quality than in other relationships.  For instance you can rightfully say that friends give one another support.  But that support is not the same as the support given by a parent to a child or even by one spouse to another.  While a parent supports a child from a position of power  and to help the child eventually become an independent adult and while spouses help each other because of the deep emotional, physical and financial bonds that bind them; the support of a friend is borne of a mutual respect and a deep understanding.  Friends support each other because they are allies who consider themselves equal in every way. 

Friends also provide each other with honest feedback and accountability.  Parents may ease those blows with children and spouses may either try to avoid those blows or become so frustrated that they hit too hard.  But a true friend knows you very well, knows how much you can take and isn’t afraid to give it to you.  If you do something stupid it is usually your best friend who is the first to sit you down, look you in the eye and gently tell you that you’re acting like a moron!  They know your strengths and they know your weaknesses and they love you enough to hold you accountable.

For the divorced man there is a very great need for such a friend.  In fact friendship is sometimes the one thing that helps a man going through a divorce make it through with his sanity intact.  I’ve noticed though that some of us tend to put up walls when we are faced with hard times; we don’t want to burden our friends or do something that will cause them to think us weak.  Well men, if they can’t understand what you are going through then screw ‘em!  If they are so hung up on some unrealistic concept of “manliness” that involves never needing the support of a friend – well they aren’t going to be much use in the real world.  And if maybe that is YOUR perspective . . . well dude – time to wake up!  Divorces will tear you up and spit you out no matter who you are – Rambo or PeeWee Herman!  So if you have a friend who seems to be supportive and understanding then invest yourself a bit in that friendship.  You don’t have to sit around together drinking coffee and wringing your hands; but give yourself permission to just be real. 

I’m in my late 40’s and Russ and I have been friends since the end of our Sophomore year in high school, lo these many long and weary ages ago.  During that time we’ve both been through some pretty heavy crap, we’ve each screwed up a few times and we’ve each had to make some very tough choices about the way our lives would go.  I’m glad to be able to say that we’ve been there for each other through it all.  We don’t always see eye to eye but we share a basic respect for each other, we understand each other very well and we have confidence in the fact that the other is “there” for us – no matter where “there” happens to be.

Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill

Well here we are at the third in this series on the 10 virtues examined by William Bennett in his book The Book of Virtues and how those apply to the divorced man.  As the title says, the third virtue is Responsibility.  When I went to Webster for a definition I found that there were two that really seemed equally applicable.  First of all there was: “liable to be called on to answer; liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive.   As I think on it I believe this portion of the definition has two applications.  First I think it’s safe to say that no divorce is ever just one person’s fault; both parties have some degree of culpability in the demise of the marriage.  This can be a tough truth to come to terms with but it seems to be true of everyone I talk with on these matters.  So it is important for our own future emotional and relational health that we identify and accept our rightful degree of responsibility for the divorce.  That can be about as pleasant as a hernia operation but, again, if you are going to move forward in your life and avoid repeating past mistakes then it’s important to do so.  It also helps you avoid the bitterness trap that we’ve discussed earlier – it’s tough to feel victimized and bitter when you accept your own part in the way things have turned out.  Secondly understanding and accepting that you are responsible and therefore liable to be called upon to answer for your part in the marriage and the divorce is just a simple reality check.  For some reason many guys seem absolutely shocked at the idea that a divorce may actually COST them something!  But in truth it does and in fact it SHOULD.  A marriage is a commitment and a responsibility and if that comes to an end then there is a duty to meet your obligations.  NOW (I can hear the nasty comments being written even as I speak!) I will make the caveat that paying your obligations and responsibilities is one thing . . . being robbed blind is quite another.  Paying child support is meeting an important duty and responsibility to your children . . . being made destitute paying unreasonable alimony and legal fees is not. 

The second definition from Webster’s is: able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations; able to choose for oneself between right and wrong.  Here’s where we get into the whole matter concerning our children and how we conduct ourselves in regards to our parental responsibilities to them.  There is just something about a divorce that seems extremely destructive towards ALL family responsibilities and ties; because of that tendency we have to be constantly on our guard to avoid a deterioration in our relationship/s with our children as well.  I’m sure we are all familiar with the term “Deadbeat Dads” and maybe even know a guy who seems to have lost touch with his children and their lives.  Yes, a lot of it can be laid at the feet of difficult custody arrangements and ex-spouses who color the children’s view of their father’s against them.  But those are only challenges identified and in no way absolve us as father’s from living up to our responsibilities to our children.  Divorced or not we have a responsibility to provide for our children to love and nurture them and to act as an example to them of proper, adult, conduct.  The provision of course is taken care of with Child Support payments, given without complaining to the children (and thereby making them feel like an unwanted burden).  Loving and nurturing them are taken care of in visits and continued ACTIVE involvement in their lives.  An ex-spouse can try to turn your children against you with words but actions really do speak louder.  Loving your children even when they are being spiteful towards you, showing real interest in their lives, thoughts, activities and accomplishments SHOWS them the heart of a truly loving parent.  And while that may not go noticed immediately – eventually, as they mature, they’ll appreciate those things in hindsight and they will act as a seed for a renewed relationship.  Finally, providing your children with an example of proper adult conduct – both by doing the aforementioned things and by trying to live an honorable and responsible life – fulfills what is probably your greatest responsibility; the raising up of your children into responsible adults themselves.  It is always easier to find an excuse to side-step responsibility and the grass on that side of the fence always seems very lush and green.  But in the end it ruins the respect that your family, friends and children have for you and it sets an example for your children that will lead them into some very poor decision making as they grow older. 

I know that most of you know these things and I write them largely just to offer the support and encouragement that an affirmation of one’s values brings.  But I also know that there are a handful of men out there reading this post who maybe are being tempted by circumstances and peer pressure to compromise on this virtue of responsibility and attempt to side step some important obligations.  I hope that if this is the case for you that this post will give you some reason to hesitate and consider that the long term price far out-weighs the short-term profit.

Hope this helps and . . .Be Well

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

I suppose I should begin this post with a disclaimer! I am as guilty of the following as just about anybody. But, like with so many other issues of my life and character, I am trying to improve. 

As I walked to the track to start my run today I had to cross an open grassy area. Across that area was strewn many various pieces of game pieces, such as badminton rackets and birdies, volleyballs, soccer balls, etc. All scattered about as they were left the night before! Left overnight unwatched and uncared for.

As I admit, I struggle in the area of self discipline and taking proper care and responsibility of your possessions is part of that. These people that left all these pieces of sporting equipment over this field to either be ruined or stolen were not taking responsibility and care of their property. But I know and have been taught that it is the very thing to do!

We can make the things we already have last much longer if we keep them in proper order. And we will save money due to the fact that we would not need to replace the item if we leave it to be destroyed or stolen!

Take care of your stuff and save your cash!

Russ

We are all looking for ways to save a little money these days with the economy getting tight and even bigger changes on the horizon (I heard an “expert” the other day say that if Cap & Trade passes the senate that our electric bills could go up 40 – 60% . . . take it for whatever it’s worth).  So in this feature we try to present money saving tips under the theory that a little here and a little there eventually adds up to a significant improvement in cash flow.

Entertainment is important – not as much as food and shelter but if you don’t budget for it you’ll eventually blow that budget on movies, trips or concerts . . . we all need a little R&R in out lives.  Having said that I believe there are some ways to really cut back on the COST without cutting back on the FUN or relaxation; here’s three examples of what I mean:

Get Rid Of The Dish!  Yeah, yeah, yeah – I know ; life will be meaningless without the Cartoon Network or the latest episode of Deadliest Catch . . .or so it seems.  But just look at the bill.  Varies from area to area but most of you are putting out around $30 a month just for the “basic” package.  That adds up over time!   I don’t have either cable or dish and instead use a digital antenna and a DVD/VHS player.  I live about 40 miles as the crow flies from the nearest station and get pretty good reception of about four local channels – enough for news, weather and a few programs.  If nothing is playing I pop in a movie.  The $5 dollar bin at Wal-Mart is my friend and I keep an eye peeled at garage sales for good condition movies as well.  I don’t rent movies because I try to avoid situations where I give someone money and don’t end up with any lasting value from the deal.  for  less than 10 dollars I can buy a movie and watch it whenever I like for years to come.  I figure I come out way ahead financially with this strategy.  And remember – just because you have access to 749 channels doesn’t mean anything good will be on!

Reading!  . . . reading?  really?  I can hear people saying that to themselves as they read this.  But yes, I am a big proponent of reading for entertainment.  I feel it is even more relaxing than T.V. and you actually exercise the mind rather than numb it.  And VERY cheap!  A library card gives you access to thousands of books and most towns have a good used bookstore where you can find books for a buck or less.  And don’t neglect garage sales!  I have a whole library of books I bought out of a box in someone’s yard for 50 cents. When I was working on my undergrad degree I always set aside a few days after finals each semester and buried myself in the latest Tom Clancy.  Good, fun, entertaining fiction and since I bought them at a local used bookstore for $1.50 each they were also very cheap!  But reading isn’t just about fun fiction – no matter where your interests lay you can find books on the subject.  For instance – I have a passion for WWII history; a few years back I set out to build a library of biographies and first person accounts by people who actually took part in those events.  I now have a couple dozen such books that I’ve picked up in used bookstores and Amazon – all for less than $10 and most for under $5.  Lot’s of time spent learning about the events surrounding WWII from original sources, lots of relaxation and all for very little money.

Community Events:  A while back I was visiting Russ and they had a Greek Festival in his town.  I don’t believe it cost much to attend and it was GREAT!!  Great food, great music and great fun watching the dancing and such!  My point is that nearly every community has some sort of event going on at one time or another throughout the year.  Fairs, Rodeos, Circuses, Festivals, free concerts in the park . . . list is endless.  Shoot even a Home Builders show or car show can be fun!  Most of these events are either free to the public or have an admission price less than a movie.  Furthermore the admission price is usually going to a worthy, local cause or group so you can feel good about the fact that what little money you ARE spending is going for something worth while and local and not towards the hot tub in the back of some movie mogul’s limo.  These events also give you a chance to learn about local ethnic groups or interact with local hobbyist with whom you may share an interest.  All in all it’s money very well spent.

So there you have three ways to save on entertainment that gives you either lasting value or education.  All three are either saving you money directly or indirectly and all three provide some high quality R&R with very minimal cash outlay.  Hope this inspires some brainstorming and if anyone has additional money savers in this area please leave a comment or write to us at dudesndivorce@dudesndivorce.com

Thanks much and Be Well!

Bill

The next virtue in The Book of Virtues and in our series is Compassion.  Webster’s defines compassion as a: sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.  I think that underscores an important point – compassion isn’t just about being “sympathetically” aware of the distress of others . . . it is also about a desire to ease that distress; it’s not just enough to feel bad for the beggar on the street . . . you have to throw some money into his hat as well.

So how does this apply to the average divorced “dude”?  Well to start off with I’d like to point out that when you are in the process of going through a divorce it can be very much like a battle; you are completely focused on strategies, tactics, ground lost, objectives won and gaining the high ground in one sense or another.  To a large degree that kind of focus is necessary and needful since you are fighting for your financial survival as well as your future.  But this focus can become myopic to the exclusion of your ability to see or be aware of the collateral damage being inflicted on others.  It can really come as a shock to some men to realize how deeply their children, family and friends have been hurt by the war being waged between them and their ex-spouse.  This is where that “sympathetic consciousness of other’s distress” comes in very handy.  Being aware of how the divorce is impacting others.  You know sometimes we refer to it as “MY” divorce as if it was something that we owned personally and which effected only us (and the ex).  Think of the paradigm shift that is forced on you if you call it “My children’s divorce”!  WOW!  It can be like a slap to the face!  But it IS their divorce just as much as it is yours and the decisions you make in how it is resolved you are making for them as well as for yourself.  Being sympathetic of that fact is of vital importance to how deeply these things will effect them for the rest of their lives.  Children from divorced parents who constantly fight and argue and hurt each other are much more deeply hurt by the divorce than those children whose parent’s divorce was conducted with minimal vitriol.  I recognize that there are two parents in every divorce and that your ex-wife doubtless contributes at least her share to the fight.  But, as my mom always told my brother and I, “two wrongs don’t make a right”.  And so while it isn’t easy to ignore the lashing words and actions of the other party the nature of your response is still your personal responsibility.

But compassion isn’t only important when it comes to how you conduct your divorce in light of your children.  It is also a key point in how you relate to your children afterwards.  To what degree would you say that you are sympathetically aware of how difficult the divorce has been on your children and how that has tempered their perceptions of you, their mom and family relations?  When they express their hurt to you how do you react?  Out of compassion or out of self-defense?  Kids at any age can deal with these kinds of situations without a whole lot of tact, diplomacy or tenderness – they can and do say things that are very direct and starkly real.  While some do a good job of covering up the pain other’s just tell it like it is!  When they do realize that it’s not about you and how you feel . . . it is about them and how they feel.  Awareness of their distress and a desire to help them deal with that distress in a healthy manner is not only a mark of compassion; it’s good parenting.

Finally, I think that compassion is the perfect antidote to a common aliment of many divorced individuals (both men and women) and that is bitterness.  As I read Mr. Bennett’s Book of Virtues it struck me that the opposite of compassion is often not callousness or meanness but bitterness.  Let’s look at the definition again to show what I mean.  Compassion is a “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it”; whereas bitterness is associated with pain, suffering, rancor and coldness.  In essence you could define bitterness as:  A sympathetic consciousness of ONE’S OWN distress together with a desire to focus on the causes of that distress but not necessarily on its alleviation”.  In short, compassion is about others whereas bitterness is all about ourselves.  Bitterness is an easy trap to fall into when you’ve had your life radically and negatively changed by divorce; but the practice of compassion helps us escape that trap.  When you are focused on the hurt in someone else it is much easier to move beyond your own.  When you are helping someone in greater pain it puts your own pain into perspective.  As the saying goes – “I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.”  Divorce tends to make us very self focused so it helps to lift your head up out of you navel and look around.  Identify some one or some group whom you would like to help and put your energies into that.  Volunteer at Salvation Army, YMCA, a food panty, Humane Society, CASA, Big Brothers or a nursing home.  It helps you care better about those close to you if you practice caring about strangers.  Don’t just send money!  Writing a check is a poor way to practice compassion – you have to do something physical and active.  Hand someone a bag of food, walk an abandoned pet, spend time with a child in foster care, paint an elderly person’s home not out of charity (not that charity is bad) but because you are aware of their distress and you want to help make it better.  I think you’ll find by doing so that your own post-divorce bitterness will fade away, you’ll be a happier, more self-content person and a better parent and friend.

So, compassion really is an important virtue and one which also yields practical benefits for the divorced man.  We’ve discussed how it can temper how you conduct your divorce in light of your children’s long-term best interest, how it can help you be a better parent and finally, how it can help you avoid the bitterness that overcomes many men after a divorce.  For those of you who are reading or have read The Book of Virtues perhaps you’ve identified some added benefits that I missed here; if so please feel free to mention those in a comment or write to us at dudesndivorce@dudesndivorce.com as always we’d love to hear from you!

Until then . . . be well!

Bill

Hello guys,

Since Bill has written so well on the self discipline issue recently, I’d thought I’d share a little something on the same.

This has been an issue I have been struggling with all my life. Despite being in the military (you’d think I would’ve gotten a handle on it then!). To be honest, I felt for most of my marriage my ex-wife took advantage of my willingness to “step up” in this regard so she (in my opinion) almost completely withdrew from not only self discipline but also disciplining the children. Thus leaving me to carry this burden. A burden I was never fully equipped to bear (ain’t 20/20 hindsight great?). despite confronting her on this issue numerous times, no progress was ever achieved.

So, I guess when I moved out and began the process of divorce I felt that I had simply been worn out or down self discipline-wise. I just felt like it had all been wrung out of me. Did I completely go to pot, as the old saying goes? No, but I really did slack off in a lot of areas of my life. Some inconsequential, others not. Some I’m not proud of at all, in fact pretty ashamed actually.

But, after 2 years after the divorce actually became final, nearly 4 from the move out day, I feel like returning to my old self, to some old habits. I have been wanting (and, yes, needing) to exercise for quite some years now. And today I returned to running, something I used to truly enjoy.

But my mindset is not simply to exercise, to log miles, to lose weight (while all those are good and I want them to happen) my mindset now is to simply enjoy running again. To enjoy the feeling of the air and sun against your face, the changing weather and seasons, to feel my body transform from the sluggish thing it is now to a firmer, fitter me. To feel the blood flow cleanly through my veins, to feel the air surge through my lungs, and to feel that deep down sense of satisfaction that I have done something good. And I did it all on my own. That sense of accomplishment that no one can take from you.

Just wanted to share,

Russ

I’ve been doing some thinking and I believe what I’d like to do is begin a series of posts that examine one by one the importance to the divorced or about to be divorced man of the 10 virtues given in William Bennett’s Book of Virtues,.  I’m going to attempt to avoid sounding “preachy” in this effort but instead focus on the practical advantages that a man can gain by applying each of these virtues to his own life and situation.  I’m also going to break this up over a few weeks so that I can offer a few other subjects to our readers than this one.  Probably I’ll do a Tuesday and Thursday post in the Virtue Series and then mix in a Divorced Dudes in Uncertain Times feature post on Saturdays.  This will take a few weeks to work through but I really feel that looking at these virtues can be not only a matter of personal growth and improvement but also full of practical applications for the kinds of situations that divorced men are forced to deal with.  If you can pick up a copy of the book somewhere – either through us or at a bookstore or flea market – it will probably enrich what you get out of these posts although you certainly don’t have to have a copy to follow along.

The first virtue covered in The Book of Virtues is Self-Discipline; Webster’s defines self-discipline as “the disciplining or controlling of oneself or one’s desires, actions, habits, etc.”.  You can also think of it as self-control although the difference between the two phrases in my mind would be that self-discipline assumes a process of self training that brings about self-control.  Self-control is the product of self-discipline.  For those of us who are divorced or are considering that possibility the virtue of self-discipline bears a lot of fruit. 

Lets start off by looking at the man currently going through a divorce.  Know who is often his biggest enemy?  Is it is ex-wife? Ex-in-laws? the opposing attorney?  Judge?  No, more often than not his greatest enemy is HIMSELF.   A divorce is rough, VERY rough!  It brings about huge emotional pressures and incredible stress and worry.  It is very easy for a man to loose control and succumb to an outburst of anger or the temptation to do something vengeful or dishonest.  These lapses invariably come back to haunt him later on either in a unfavorable judgment, the loss of visitation, an increase in alimony or child support or even criminal charges.  Men sometimes also give in to the temptation to get involved in another relationship before they’ve had a chance to heal from the last one.  It is not uncommon to have a lot of pent up loneliness as many disintegrating marriages are very cold and loveless places to be. I’ve known men who got involved with someone before they had even separated from their spouse . . . a certain recipe for disaster.  Keeping these emotional needs and outbursts in check requires a lot of self-control and thus a lot of self-discipline.  Navigating your way through a divorce is like traversing a minefield – you want to have a reliable guide in the form of a good attorney and you want to be fully in control of yourself.  

For men who have been through the divorce and are putting their lives back together I believe that a habit of self-discipline is just as important.  As I’m sure some of you have discovered it can be easy to sort of let yourself go after a divorce.  Maybe you eat too much of the wrong foods, bury yourself in work or (conversely) fun or do a great impression of Oscar from the Odd Couple.  Self-discipline is an important part in building good health habits, dealing effectively with the post-divorce blues and basically creating a better life for yourself.  Now I’m going to admit that self-discipline has always been a tough thing for me.   I work on it but it is a habit of character that I haven’t fully developed yet.  But I know that it is important because I can see what my lack in that area has cost me and I see the benefits that others who have better self-discipline than I enjoy as a result.  As I have read The Book of Virtues I’ve picked up some good insights into the nature of what it takes to develop self-discipline and as I’ve put those things into play in my own life I’ve begun to see some progress there.  Some tips for developing self-discipline that seem to be effective would include the following:

-          Remember that self-discipline is like a muscle that you have to exercise to make stronger.  It’s not something that you or anyone possess innately it has to be developed.

-          Start small by focusing on incremental changes.  Don’t suddenly wake up one morning and decide you’re going to loose 50 pounds!  Instead decide that you are going to cut down on the number of soda’s you drink each day.  This is like building muscle by starting out with small weights and building up to the big ones.

-          Self-charting can be effective for those who like to be able to see their progress. Just remember to keep track of your VICTORIES not your defeats.  Give yourself a checkmark for every time you wanted a soda and had a water instead.  That way you can look back and see your track record of success!  Remember – where your focus is – there you are.

-          Motivation is key and the key to motivation is having a vision of who you want to be or what you want to achieve.  Get a strong mental picture of what your life will be like when you loose that 50 pounds or you develop better temper control or whatever your goal is.

-          Remember that self-discipline is not subject specific.  It is a general use muscle and so the self-control you gain from loosing weight is going to help you hold your temper as well.  Not to say victory in one area will solve all your problems but it will sure be an asset!

-          As with everything else worthwhile it takes patience, determination and the willingness to forgive yourself of your failures and continue to move ahead

-          Finally . . . the time to start is NOW. 

Hopefully those tips will help you as you work to develop this virtue to greater degree.  If anyone else has other tips or suggestions please send in a comment!  This is a group effort men!

So there you have it.  I believe I’ve shown some good, practical reasons to develop self-discipline when you are divorced or divorcing and I’ve given a few pointers on how to develop it.  I’d love to hear from anyone who has a thought, story or advise relating to this particular virtue and it’s importance for the divorced or divorcing “dude”.  My next post in this series will be on Compassion . . . should be interesting!

Until next time – Be Well!