The next virtue in The Book of Virtues and in our series is Compassion. Webster’s defines compassion as a: sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it. I think that underscores an important point – compassion isn’t just about being “sympathetically” aware of the distress of others . . . it is also about a desire to ease that distress; it’s not just enough to feel bad for the beggar on the street . . . you have to throw some money into his hat as well.
So how does this apply to the average divorced “dude”? Well to start off with I’d like to point out that when you are in the process of going through a divorce it can be very much like a battle; you are completely focused on strategies, tactics, ground lost, objectives won and gaining the high ground in one sense or another. To a large degree that kind of focus is necessary and needful since you are fighting for your financial survival as well as your future. But this focus can become myopic to the exclusion of your ability to see or be aware of the collateral damage being inflicted on others. It can really come as a shock to some men to realize how deeply their children, family and friends have been hurt by the war being waged between them and their ex-spouse. This is where that “sympathetic consciousness of other’s distress” comes in very handy. Being aware of how the divorce is impacting others. You know sometimes we refer to it as “MY” divorce as if it was something that we owned personally and which effected only us (and the ex). Think of the paradigm shift that is forced on you if you call it “My children’s divorce”! WOW! It can be like a slap to the face! But it IS their divorce just as much as it is yours and the decisions you make in how it is resolved you are making for them as well as for yourself. Being sympathetic of that fact is of vital importance to how deeply these things will effect them for the rest of their lives. Children from divorced parents who constantly fight and argue and hurt each other are much more deeply hurt by the divorce than those children whose parent’s divorce was conducted with minimal vitriol. I recognize that there are two parents in every divorce and that your ex-wife doubtless contributes at least her share to the fight. But, as my mom always told my brother and I, “two wrongs don’t make a right”. And so while it isn’t easy to ignore the lashing words and actions of the other party the nature of your response is still your personal responsibility.
But compassion isn’t only important when it comes to how you conduct your divorce in light of your children. It is also a key point in how you relate to your children afterwards. To what degree would you say that you are sympathetically aware of how difficult the divorce has been on your children and how that has tempered their perceptions of you, their mom and family relations? When they express their hurt to you how do you react? Out of compassion or out of self-defense? Kids at any age can deal with these kinds of situations without a whole lot of tact, diplomacy or tenderness – they can and do say things that are very direct and starkly real. While some do a good job of covering up the pain other’s just tell it like it is! When they do realize that it’s not about you and how you feel . . . it is about them and how they feel. Awareness of their distress and a desire to help them deal with that distress in a healthy manner is not only a mark of compassion; it’s good parenting.
Finally, I think that compassion is the perfect antidote to a common aliment of many divorced individuals (both men and women) and that is bitterness. As I read Mr. Bennett’s Book of Virtues it struck me that the opposite of compassion is often not callousness or meanness but bitterness. Let’s look at the definition again to show what I mean. Compassion is a “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it”; whereas bitterness is associated with pain, suffering, rancor and coldness. In essence you could define bitterness as: A sympathetic consciousness of ONE’S OWN distress together with a desire to focus on the causes of that distress but not necessarily on its alleviation”. In short, compassion is about others whereas bitterness is all about ourselves. Bitterness is an easy trap to fall into when you’ve had your life radically and negatively changed by divorce; but the practice of compassion helps us escape that trap. When you are focused on the hurt in someone else it is much easier to move beyond your own. When you are helping someone in greater pain it puts your own pain into perspective. As the saying goes – “I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.” Divorce tends to make us very self focused so it helps to lift your head up out of you navel and look around. Identify some one or some group whom you would like to help and put your energies into that. Volunteer at Salvation Army, YMCA, a food panty, Humane Society, CASA, Big Brothers or a nursing home. It helps you care better about those close to you if you practice caring about strangers. Don’t just send money! Writing a check is a poor way to practice compassion – you have to do something physical and active. Hand someone a bag of food, walk an abandoned pet, spend time with a child in foster care, paint an elderly person’s home not out of charity (not that charity is bad) but because you are aware of their distress and you want to help make it better. I think you’ll find by doing so that your own post-divorce bitterness will fade away, you’ll be a happier, more self-content person and a better parent and friend.
So, compassion really is an important virtue and one which also yields practical benefits for the divorced man. We’ve discussed how it can temper how you conduct your divorce in light of your children’s long-term best interest, how it can help you be a better parent and finally, how it can help you avoid the bitterness that overcomes many men after a divorce. For those of you who are reading or have read The Book of Virtues perhaps you’ve identified some added benefits that I missed here; if so please feel free to mention those in a comment or write to us at dudesndivorce@dudesndivorce.com as always we’d love to hear from you!
Until then . . . be well!
Bill
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