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Attitude is everything?  Really? Sounds like quite a claim doesn’t it?   But I stand by that statement none-the-less.  See I’m a big believer in the assertion that what happens to you doesn’t matter as much as how you react to it.  What do I mean by that?  Well just simply that while bad stuff happens to everyone the amount of power those events have to tear up your life depends largely on the way you respond.  I know that when I first heard this concept years ago that I rejected it out-of-hand as being ridiculous. After all if you loose your job or have a car accident or your spouse leaves you then it seems obvious that you have no control over the event or it’s impact on your life.

Let’s look at that argument.  Yes, it’s true that you don’t have much control over your wife’s actions should she choose to leave you and I agree that it is going to hurt . . . a lot.  But that’s as far as the laws of physics and human behavior can take us against our will.  Because the RESPONSE to those events are up to us and the attitude we choose to employ. 

As men dealing with divorce we are often faced with decisions made by others that have a negative impact on us and over which we have little control.  A large alimony or child support judgment is going to impact our pocket book; your ex-wife being uncooperative with allowing you to visit your children is going to impact your relationship with them.  Not much you can do to change those decisions or their immediate impact on you.  But how you RESPOND is a whole other matter that CAN effect how situations develop. 

For instance, let’s look at the child support judgment.   Basically there are two choices in how to respond; either you can take the attitude that it’s an unfair, unjust and impossible judgment that amounts to little more than robbery.  Or you can choose the attitude that it is money going to the support of your children and that while it is painful it is none-the-less needful.  The attitude you choose there is going to determine how you behave.  If you take the first, negative, attitude then you behavior will reflect that negativity.  Probably that’s going to be translated by your ex, your children and the court as a lack of concern for the well being of the children.  It might also cause you to feel justified in not paying the support (which can cause a lot of legal problems) or constantly fighting payment.  It can also lead to a lot of bitterness in your heart which can bleed over into other areas of your life.

On the other hand if you choose an attitude of acceptance then your behaviors are going to reflect that.  It will send a much more supportive and accepting message to your children and it won’t create a climate of enmity between you and your ex-wife.  While it may make finances rough to the point that you have to look for a second job – it’s much easier to work extra for what you have determined is a worthy cause (supporting your kids) than for an unworthy one (being bled white by that B*****h!).   You avoid the anger and bitterness that can poison your soul and remain more flexible in your thinking.

Of course child Support payments are just one of many, many events which can happen to a divorced man but the same general rule applies – WHAT happens may be beyond your control but how you RESPOND is completely up to you.  From having gone through two divorces I can tell you from personal experience that getting into the habit of choosing the positive attitude is critical to your survival.  Looking back I can see that every time I’ve chosen to be angry and bitter it cost me dearly in the long run (although being an angry victim is MUCH more satisfying in the short term!).  While whenever I’ve taken on a positive attitude I’ve found that things just tend to work themselves out much better for all concerned (including me).

Hope that gives everyone some food for thought

Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill