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Christmas Eve in Divorced-Land:

Merry Christmas fellow divorced dudes!  Looks like for a lot of us it will be a white one!

Thought I’d post what I hope is an encouraging message as we slide into both Christmas and New Years.  I know that this time of year can be one of the worst for divorced men.  Often we find ourselves alone, missing our kiddos and grieving the loss of the dream of family that we once held so dear.  Quite often we are also the victim of some rather nasty power games by ex-wives who out of sheer hateful vindictiveness are denying us time with our children.  Nothing can be lower than that – or more short sighted.  We are also often faced with the harsh realities of limited finances due to the extra burdens of child support and alimony and thus can’t provide the gifts to our loved ones that we’d like to.  I imagine about now you’re wondering when we get to the encouraging part eh?

So what do we have to be encouraged about?

Well for one – we ARE divorced!  Yeah I know – that may seem a bit counter-intuitive to say the least but really it is a potential positive.  No matter who left who the relationship was dead or dying and in its death it was tearing everyone involved in it apart – even if it didn’t seem to be so at the time.  While a divorce is certainly an ugly ending to many hopes and dreams it can also be a beginning step for the creation of new hopes and new dreams.  I’m not minimizing the pain and loss of a divorce – but suggesting also that you consider the opposite perspective that now – for better of worse – you can begin to move forward in your life.  This is what has helped me survive many dark days as a newly divorced man.  Yes there are hurts and challenges and problems and if you focus only on those you’ll be absolutely miserable.  But you can also choose to look at the freedom you now have to create or pursue new dreams and new directions for your life.  That is, to me, an encouraging thought.

I always like to look back over the last twelve months at this time of year and think about all the things that happened, all the opportunities that developed for me, all the good stuff that happened that I could have never guessed WOULD happen at the beginning of the year.  There have been years when I became a grandfather, made a new friend, got a promotion or got to spend some wonderful time with someone I love.  I can also see where a dream came true for me that I would have never guessed.  I suppose what I am saying is that there is so much POTENTIAL in a year!  Good stuff!

For those of us who have been divorced a long time the New Year can give us a reason to do that looking back and see how our lives have changed since the divorce.  It is easy sometimes to focus on the bad – the money spent on alimony, the lack on contact with our kids . . .but it can also be a chance to reflect on some positive stuff as well.  Maybe you’ve found a new lady in your life – maybe you’re going to school or taking up a hobby you always wanted to pursue.  Maybe you’ve had a change in jobs or you’ve moved to a new town.  All of these have the potential to be positive.

Having said all of this I know that for many of you this Christmas seems anything but Merry and Bright; in fact is seems like one of the darkest and most hopeless times you’ve ever faced.  I won’t try to gloss it over – it is indeed a very dark time filled with pain and loss and sadness.  So don’t try to have a “merry Christmas” just grit your teeth and focus on getting through it.   Go ahead on to work if you can or sleep in late, watch Rambo movies all day and try to ignore the fact that it’s the holidays.  If you have to spend it with family and friends then just accept the fact that it’s going to be different and that you aren’t going to be the life of the party.  What ever it takes to get through the next 48 hours.  Things DO get better (believe it or not) I think every divorced dude on this site who has been divorced for a while will tell you the same thing – it gets better.  Life goes on and there IS happiness and joy and goodness to be found on the other side of divorce.  It doesn’t always come quickly but just like Christmas it comes just the same.

Merry or not I wish you all a blessed Christmas and New Year

Be Well

Bill