“Commitment” – no single word is more fraught with confusion, doubt and anxiety for most men considering a divorce. While some may find it relatively easy to end their marriage without too much thought on the commitments they’ve made; most of us have a lot of struggles with this one. In fact I think it is the most difficult part of a very difficult process and is at the heart of many of the conflicting emotions a man goes through as he weighs what he needs to do.
I won’t pretend to have an easy answer for you. These things are deeply personal and specific to your individual relationship and circumstances. But, having wrestled with these same issues myself, I think I can maybe identify a few mental traps that we tend to spring on ourselves over the whole commitment question.
First though lets identify exactly what that question is: I guess to phrase it simply it would be something like “I made a commitment knowing that commitments often require self-sacrifice to keep; but can a relationship become so toxic that you are justified in breaking that commitment and has my relationship reached that point?” Does that sound about right?
Is a commitment an end-all be-all? Is there ever a justification for breaking a commitment? Like everything else in life I don’t believe there is a perfect answer to this one. At one level you can say that breaking a commitment is always wrong just like telling a lie or stealing or cheating. I’ve heard some good (if slightly rigid) people make that argument effectively. On the other hand you can make the case that you have to take care of yourself, that no commitment should outweigh your personal needs or cause you to live a life that is empty and loveless. Personally I think the answer is somewhere in the middle.
I think a good start on all of this is to determine the “weight” of commitment to you. How important is it, how crucial do you believe it to be? That’s probably something you should have already worked out in your head before you made the commitment to begin with but I know full well how “dem womens can make it hard ta think”. So, if you haven’t already, first spend some time in a serious and painfully honest conversation with yourself about how important commitment really is to you (not how unimportant it would be convenient for it to be but how important it is no matter how difficult it makes things)
We don’t live in a perfect world (yeah – I know – big shock right?!!) and if we get wrapped up in trying to make it so or act as if it is so then we are setting ourselves up for some real misery. This is one of the biggest traps that we can set for ourselves. In an ideal world two people would get married and then treat each other with all the love and respect and honor that they could ever want. They would each work to make the commitment that their partner had made to them as easy a burden as possible to carry. But the truth is that quite often relationships do become toxic and one or both partners act in a way that is destructive either to themselves, their partner or both. When that becomes a pattern (not just a one time thing or a rare event) then we have to start to weigh our commitment against the damage being done to ourselves and our kiddos by the toxic environment being created by the other person’s actions. I faced this question of balance in my first marriage and finally concluded that the destructive behavior patterns of my spouse were not going to stop and that the damage they were doing to myself and more importantly, my children outweighed the original commitment I had made to the marriage. As I mentioned earlier that is a personal decision – only you can read those scales.
Another big trap we set for ourselves in regards to commitment is in believing that our continued commitment will somehow “cure” or “fix” the behaviors of our significant other. I’ve heard this a lot from people over the years and to be honest I’ve acted on that belief myself in the past. I think sometimes for some people it is a justification to avoid doing the hard thing that they know at some level they need to do. But for many others it is a sincere belief that “love conquers all”. Well at the risk of sounding cynical and with all due respect to Virgil . . . when it comes down to a fight between love and addiction . . . my moneys going on addiction every time. Same thing with behaviors that spring from childhood issues like abuse or from psychiatric disorders. The harsh truth is that love and commitment do NOT conquer all. They are wonderful choices we can make and they DO have a deep power to heal and nurture and touch another’s heart. But they can not overpower their destructive choices; they simply present that other with a choice – but it is theirs to make one way or another. Understanding that and (what is harder) ACCEPTING that truth is vital in making your own, healthy, decisions.
Having said all of that I think it is important to remember that marriage is not for the faint of heart. It requires a lot of work, can’t be ignored or left on “Cruise Control” and will always have times when one partner isn’t carrying their share of the load or is being just downright irresponsible. It’s easy during those times to start building a case against commitment and for the wonderful life you would surely have if only you weren’t chained to that old ball of lead! Of course that is another trap we set for ourselves and one unfortunately that many of our family and friends are more than happy to help us build. Truth is commitment is a skill that we develop over time with practice and it tempers the emotions and frustrations that come from living life with another imperfect human. There is no perfect partner for you (I really don’t care what the latest made for T.V. romantic comedy says). The grass is just as brown and patchy and full of weeds on the other side of the fence as it is on your side and quite often they’ve got moles as well! Don’t let yourself get sucked into the trap of thinking that you could be committed to the right person . . . commitment isn’t commitment if it only applies to someone without any serious faults. Again it is a matter of serious thought and a careful and honest balancing of the facts. Hard to do and not something anyone (even a blogger like me) can solve for you. Just be aware of the traps, try to avoid them and make the best long-term decision you can.
Hope this helps
Be well!
Bil
