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In this final post of our series on deciding when to stay or when to leave your marriage I want to focus on safety.  I don’t think this is something that most men give much thought to.  Seems that most guys just assume that there isn’t much to worry about in this area and our culture conditions men to dismiss safety concerns in relationships to a much larger degree than women.  But I think it’s an important area to consider never-the-less. 

First of all not all safety threats are physical.  There can be real threats to a persons mental and emotional health that are every bit as dangerous.  I’ve seen relationships in which chronic self-destructive behaviors on the part of one spouse was slowly destroying the other.; I’ve even seen a suicide that resulted from this type of situation.  Persistent infidelity can slowly destroy the heart and soul of the betrayed partner.  Chronic substance abuse can put huge stressors on a mate’s mental, emotional and financial health as they struggle to deal with the lies, manipulations and dysfunction of the addict.  Mental health issues in a partner can also create a hellish existence for their spouse.  Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not suggesting that married life is all sweetness and light.  There WILL be times in every marriage when one partner is sick or unemployed or depressed or grieving or SOMETHING that places a large burden on their husband or wife.  That’s part of why we make those deep commitments when we exchange marriage vows.  Don’t be a fair weather spouse and use that as an excuse to bail at the first sign of trouble.  No – what I’m talking about here is situations in which you realize that you’ve reached a point where your spouse is on a self-destruct course, that they are NOT going to turn it around and they are sucking you and your children down with them.  When you reach that realization (and it can be a difficult one to accept) then sometimes the only option left for you is to leave. 

Second; note the comment about your children – remember that they depend on their parents for everything – including a safe environment in which to grow up.  There are times and situations in which if it were just you and your spouse – two adults without any children – you could stay, put yourself through the hell and possibly pull your spouse out as well.  But if you have children then their needs come foremost.  If the marital environment has become so toxic that you, as an adult, are struggling to stay healthy, then just imagine what it is doing to them; a gnarled old oak can survive weather that would kill a sapling. 

Third; we often tend to minimize safety risks.  Sort of the boiled frog situation in which things are getting hotter and hotter but we’ve kinda gotten so used to them being that way that we loose perspective.  Often times we wake up to the true level of danger only after it is too late for ourselves or our children.  Ask yourself this question – if a good friend, family member or child were in your shoes what would you tell them?  What are your friends and family telling you?  How bad have things really gotten?  It’s a tough question to answer but you are the only one who can so it’s worth some serious thought.

Finally – if you are being physically attacked then the situation is grave.  As people we can do a lot of ugliness to each other but tend to hold off on the physical violence until things have really gotten bad.  If your spouse is able to cross that last line in the relationship then the problem has become critical and you have some very tough and very urgent choices to make.  Not just for yourself but for your children as well.  Few things are more destructive to a child’s social and emotional development that witnessing violence between their parents.  As with all of the posts in this series I won’t tell you to go or to stay but in the case of violence you certainly have to be willing to consider all your options.

I hope this series was helpful.  I’d appreciate whatever feedback or input you’d like to give on the topic.  I’m sure I didn’t think of everything and some of you doubtless have some thoughts that would add a lot of value to men struggling with the decision of going or staying.  Would love to hear from you!

Until next time – Be Well

Bill

Communication is the engine that drives a relationship, without it you just aren’t going anywhere.  Yet although this is universally true most people struggle with effective communication – especially married couples.   As you consider whether your marriage is salvageable or not I believe that one of the most important areas to give thought to would be this one.  Can you and your spouse communicate?  I don’t mean can you speak the same language (I actually know of one special couple who started out NOT speaking the same language and yet they communicate very well!). 

Communication is about getting to understanding.  Not just saying what you think but saying it in such a way that the other person can actually hear and understand your message.  It’s also about listening, really listening, to what the other person is really saying.  So many times we talk AT each other and only hear what we think the other is saying.  Notice the pattern there?  Poor communication is when we think more about ourselves than we think about the other person.  Effective communication on the other hand happens when you remember to forget about yourself and focus completely on the other person.  That’s a difficult skill to learn.  Also notice that we aren’t talking about agree or disagree here.  A person can fully hear and understand you but still disagree with you!  So effective communication isn’t about reaching agreement – it’s about reaching understanding.  Easy to get those confused.

 So what’s going on in your marriage?  Do you and your wife talk AT each other?  Do you feel like she never really hears or understands what it is you’re trying to tell her?  Does she complain that the two of you don’t really talk?  Are you sometimes surprised by her reaction when you’ve done something you thought she agreed with?  Is there a lot of “surface” talk (weather, what’s for dinner, what’s on T.V.) but not much meaningful sharing on important issues?  These are all symptoms of communication problems in your marriage.

 The good news is that poor communication isn’t an incurable disease.  You can learn and develop better communication skills over time and an ounce of effort usually reaps a pound of improvement.  There are a lot of good books on the subject and most counselors are well trained in communication skills and can be a great help.  Just be willing to take the time to practice and learn.  Bad news is that sometimes, in some relationships, so much anger and bitterness and animosity has built up that it creates a real block to developing good communication skills.  Also, some people feel that the idea of “learning to communicate” is a load of psychobabble horse stuffins and so they automatically discount any efforts at improvement here.

As with all the other posts in this series this one isn’t meant to tell you what decision to make regarding your marriage.  Instead it’s just meant to provide some thoughts to think as you weigh those matters in your mind; I hope that it helps in that regard.

 Be well

Bill

As we continue this series about making the decision to remain in your marriage or leave it; the next factor we need to give some thought revolves around trust.   In my opinion trust is perhaps THE critical foundation upon which all relationships are built.  You can have commitment, you can have communication and you can have love – but if you don’t have a deep and abiding trust in each other the rest really doesn’t matter. 

Distrust in a relationship is kind of like rust on a bridge’s spans.  It is corrosive and weakens the strength of the overall structure.  It’s also hard to repair and is made worse with even the smallest “rain” or trust destroying act.  Also, and most importantly, it reduces the relationship’s ability to deal with the added load of a crisis just like rust destroys the bridges ability to handle a large and heavy truck, so that when put under that stress the bridge (or the marriage) can fail catastrophically. 

For a man debating with himself whether to stay or to go the question of trust becomes vital.  How much trust is left in the relationship?  What destroyed that trust and can it be rebuilt? How long has the lack of trust been growing?  If your marriage still retains a goodly amount of basic trust then no matter what the problems are you have something to work with as you try to resolve them.  I guess Trust equals hope in this regard.  On the other hand without any appreciable trust nearly every problem becomes ten times more difficult to resolve.

As you weigh the question of trying to remain in the relationship and resolve it’s problems or calling it quits and trying to rescue whatever can be saved from the ruins it might be wise to consider first and foremost just how much trust yet remains between you and your spouse.  Unfortunately there is no Trust-O-Meter available at your local department store and I’ve never been able to find a breeder for Trust Dogs that can sniff out trust like some do for narcotics.  Good news is that you really don’t need these . . . just sit yourself down and really think about how much you really trust your spouse; only some serious contemplation and brutal self-honesty can answer that question. 

So how much DO you trust her?  If very little then what has she done that has destroyed your trust?  Was it a one time betrayal (such as an affair) or is it a chronic lack of concern for your needs or feelings?  It might also be a chronic problem with alcohol, substance abuse, gambling, excessive spending or just a plain failure to meet the reasonable expectations of one spouse to another in running a house and building a family.  All of those problems can be resolved – some much more easily than others – but being very aware of the balance in your “trust bank” ahead of time is invaluable in determining if you have “sufficient funds” to see the process through to it’s end.

As with the other posts in this series this isn’t meant to provide answers – only bring your attention to factors to consider as you make this most difficult of decisions

Be Well

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

As we approach Thanksgiving we may notice a tradition here in the USA of the President issuing an annual traditional Presidential Pardon to a turkey for the Thanksgiving Holiday.

This just makes me think, have we done something similar? Have we taken the time to issue our own Presidential Pardon? First, what is a pardon exactly? Merriam Webster defines a pardon as; the excusing of an offense without exacting a penalty or a release from the legal penalties of an offense or an official warrant of remission of penalty. Essentially it is an act of forgiveness. An act, that is a verb, that means you DO something. Not just think about it, not just think about doing something. But actually DO something, in this case forgive, in this case pardon.

What do we have to pardon? Do we have to pardon a turkey like the President? Perhaps not, but each of us as divorced (or potentially divorced) men have been through a painful period in our lives. We may feel we have been wronged by our ex, by the courts, by lawyers, by family members or friends.

Carrying this “wrong” in our hearts is like carrying a weight with you everywhere everyday. It wears you down and exhausts you, it drains your energy away from the things you could be doing, things you would rather be doing or perhaps should be doing. And, perhaps most of all, it does no harm to the person(s) to whom you hold this “wrong” against, it only harms you!

Issue a pardon, forgive them of this slight, this wrong. Let it go. Free yourself of this bitterness and anger.

And move on to bigger and better things.

Then you can truly give thanks for all your many blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Russ

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

I know this post’s heading is somewhat late considering Halloween is past us already (sorry, I’ve been swamped lately) but nevertheless the day caused me to think regarding our mutual topic.

Zombie

Zombie movies have experienced a resurgence in popularity recently and it got me to thinking (don’t you just hate when that happens?) how so many men (I could say people in general but our focus is on you guys) become zombies in their marriages.

For whatever the reason, perhaps due to stress or difficulties in the marriage or with the children or on the job or with finances (the “reasons” could be endless, it really doesn’t matter) many of us elect to retreat from our wives and children. Oh, it may start small and seemingly innocuous, “I’m just going down to the bar to have a beer with my friends.” or “I really need to do some work in the garage.” to “I’m going over to Al’s to watch the game.” But they grow or repeat until we end up spending more and more time doing these activities then we do spending time with our wife and children.

It is so EASY to retreat from a difficult situation. And it is often easy to deceive yourself about your real motivations about what your doing, “I’m not running away from the problem, I’m just going to work on the car. It really needs a windshield washer fluid changed right now.” Or “Hey, it’s not going anywhere. So what if I spend the weekend with my pals tailgating and no time at home?”

DON’T!!! JUST DON’T!!! DON’T RETREAT, MAKE YOURSELF ENGAGE WITH YOUR WIFE AND WITH YOUR FAMILY!!! Spend time building those relationships and those memories. When the end of life comes near few of us will fondly look back and remember all the carburetors we fixed or games we watched but, hopefully, we will be able to look back and happily remember the times we had with those we hold dear because we chose not to retreat to the garage or the bathroom or our buddies house.

Just a thought,

Russ

I had a chance to attend the Cardinals playoff game against the Dodgers last weekend; had some REALLY great seats!  (15th row on the first base line)  Just wish the Cards had been able to bring in a win that night.  Let me tell you before the game got started the fans were on FIRE!  Everyone seemed so energized and focused and intent on all of the fine nuances of their team and each player.   When the game actually started everyone was on their feet cheering their boys on . . . The catcher couldn’t tie his shoelaces without the crowd going wild!  It was a lot of fun being a part of that let me tell you! 

But then along about the third inning things began to change; the boys from St. Louie were having problems bringing in the runs and the Dodgers were starting to put on a substantial lead.  It seemed as if we just couldn’t catch a break!  You could feel the change in the crowd as well . . . little set backs began to really upset people, little errors by the players elicited huge groans and a lot of people disconnected and either left early or were more involved in their side conversations than in what was going on down in the field.

Does any of this sound vaguely familiar?  It sure did to me!  I think it is a sign that I’ve been writing these posts for a long time when it seems that EVERYTHING reminds me of some life lesson about divorce or marriage.  Call it an occupational hazard I guess.

Anyway – the parallel here is that when we first get married we are like that crowd at the very beginning of the game – enthusiastic, happy, cheering our mate on, appreciative of even the smallest thing, optimistic.

But then – a few “innings” into the “game” and we’ve had some set backs, some disappointments, this other person is not quite the all-star player that we’d hoped they would be.  So what do we do?  Well – we start letting small stuff really get to us, we over-react to minor errors and we begin to disengage.  Now in a baseball game you can do that as a fan and it won’t effect the outcome of the game.  But in a marriage we’re a player, we’re part of the team and those reactions can have a tremendous impact on the outcome of the marriage.

Now I realize that most of you reading this are divorced “dudes” and are not currently in a marriage; but chances are many of you will eventually find someone new and decide to give it another try.  Seems like a good metaphor to keep in the back of your mind whenever that day should arrive.  Pick a good team to belong to and then stay engaged and optimistic – even during those times when you seem to be striking out a lot more often than your knocking ‘em out of the park.

Hope this was helpful . . . and to all you Cards fans out there . . . there’s always next year!!

Be Well

Bill