Well you have probably noticed a few changes to the site, nothing really major as far as functionality but I would like to acknowledge that Mike over at SquarePeg Systems  (otherwise known to us as “Web Dude”) has really come through again!  Mike helped us through a botched upgrade attempt (let the record show that I was the one who botched it – a computer genius I ain’t!) and got us “squared” away.  Mike does excellent work, is helpful, friendly and always patient with what I am sure seem like stupid questions from Russ and I.  He’s also Bi-lingual!!  meaning he speaks both Computeresse and English! (a big plus for us!)  Mike is also very fair and honest in his pricing and Russ and I have always felt that we received an excellent return for our money.  Dudesndivorce highly recommends SquarePeg Systems for any computer related issues you might be having – we have a link up but I’ll put it here as well . . .  http://squarepegsystems.com/  Just ask for the Web Dude!  ~:?)  (Thanks Mike!)

You’ll also notice a couple new conveniences we’ve added to the site.  At the very top of the this section (right below the header) you’ll find we’ve added a Google Search bar.  Thought that might be helpful if you read something here you’d like to get more information on or have a desire to look something up while checking out our site.  The results page will open up in a new window so you don’t have to stray too far from our site as you chase down a particular thought or side interest.  Hope you find it helpful.

We’ve also added “The Dudes Recommend” carousel at the top of the sidebar – this will change from time to time as Russ and I find new things to recommend to our readers.  We’ll try to keep a good mix on there of helpful books (a good one on there right now about helping your kids out after a divorce), movies and fun stuff (Man Cave Sign – checkitout! ~:?) There is also an Amazon Search Box right under that Carousel to help you out if you’re looking for something in particular to purchase from Amazon.

To be honest – yes – we make a little money off of these (“LITTLE” being the operative word here!  just a few pennys per purchase) our hope is just to recoup some of the costs associated with producing this site for everyone.  We understand that divorced men are usually living on a tight budget so we don’t want anyone to buy anything they don’t need or can’t afford.  But if there is something you plan on buying anyway it won’t cost you any more to go through our links to do so and it WILL help us cover some of the expenses here.   Also – if you’d prefer – there is a pay pal donate button in the sidebar now as well.  Again we know funds are tight for divorced men but if you enjoy this site and would like to send a dollar or two our way we sure would appreciate it.  We’re not looking to get rich – just cover some of our costs; Thanks for thinking of us.

In other news . . . SUPERBOWL is almost here!  Colts vs Saints!  Might be a real good game eh? 

I think I’ll plan on posting some recipes for SuperBowl snack food in the next day or two – food being one of the most important parts of a good Superbowl experience! 

Until then enjoy the new additions to our site and of course, as always,

Be Well

Bill

Okay – I admit it – I was a bit nonplussed when I saw Work listed as one of the virtues in William Bennett’s Book of Virtues!  But after I got to reading it I started to realize a bit better what it was that he was talking about.  See “work” isn’t necessarily your JOB!  It’s the constructive effort you put forth in your life and it very much defines who you are!   It’s not just wither you are a butcher or a baker or a candlestick maker (boy THERE’S a Career suffering in this economy!).  It’s also about the work you do as a fly fishermen, painter or gardener.  The stuff you pour yourself into creates your life!  For instance I love to garden, ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I’m always leafing through seed catalogs or talking about the variety of pepper or tomato I plan on growing next year.  My back yard in one huge garden and I spend an insane amount of money growing those “free” veggies!   Gardening is a big part of my life gentlemen and one that impacts how I eat, how I spend my money and what I am interested in.  I also like to think that whenever I pass on to that Great Cabbage Patch in the sky that someone coming after me will appreciate all I did to improve my little patch of garden soil.

Of course work, under this definition, has a lot to do with your job as well.  Bennett includes pieces in this chapter to underscore how pouring yourself into your job is important as well.  Sort of a zen-like concept of being present focused and putting all of yourself and all of your effort into each moment of your life.  No matter if you are a Brain Surgeon or a Janitor be intent on doing each task to the utmost of your ability.  Sure – it pays the same to do a great job as it does to do a mediocre one – but it’s really not about the pay; it’s about self-respect, character building and serving others.

Finally, while the book doesn’t really emphasise this, I think it can be pointed out that doing work as defined above also applies greatly to being a father.  Sometimes we all tend to “coast” a bit in relationships, even with our children.  But putting forth the effort to make every moment count, to pour yourself into parenting them with a fully involved heart and mind is truly your greatest work.  

So – as much as I hate to admit it, I guess that work really IS a virtue!  And furthermore it is one which us divorced “dudes” can profit from developing in our lives.  Anyway – it is something worth thinking about.

Hope this helps and be well!

Bill

Friends also provide each other with honest feedback and accountability.  Parents may ease those blows with children and spouses may either try to avoid those blows or become so frustrated that they hit too hard.  But a true friend knows you very well, knows how much you can take and isn’t afraid to give it to you.  If you do something stupid it is usually your best friend who is the first to sit you down, look you in the eye and gently tell you that you’re acting like a moron!  They know your strengths and they know your weaknesses and they love you enough to hold you accountable.

For the divorced man there is a very great need for such a friend.  In fact friendship is sometimes the one thing that helps a man going through a divorce make it through with his sanity intact.  I’ve noticed though that some of us tend to put up walls when we are faced with hard times; we don’t want to burden our friends or do something that will cause them to think us weak.  Well men, if they can’t understand what you are going through then screw ‘em!  If they are so hung up on some unrealistic concept of “manliness” that involves never needing the support of a friend – well they aren’t going to be much use in the real world.  And if maybe that is YOUR perspective . . . well dude – time to wake up!  Divorces will tear you up and spit you out no matter who you are – Rambo or PeeWee Herman!  So if you have a friend who seems to be supportive and understanding then invest yourself a bit in that friendship.  You don’t have to sit around together drinking coffee and wringing your hands; but give yourself permission to just be real. 

I’m in my late 40’s and Russ and I have been friends since the end of our Sophomore year in high school, lo these many long and weary ages ago.  During that time we’ve both been through some pretty heavy crap, we’ve each screwed up a few times and we’ve each had to make some very tough choices about the way our lives would go.  I’m glad to be able to say that we’ve been there for each other through it all.  We don’t always see eye to eye but we share a basic respect for each other, we understand each other very well and we have confidence in the fact that the other is “there” for us – no matter where “there” happens to be.

Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill

Well as you might have gathered from the title I’ve been reading William Bennett’s The Book of Virtues.  Some of you who visit here regularly know that I’ve been reading the Moral Compass (also by Mr. Bennett) and have found it to have great application for divorced men.  Basically The Book of Virtues is a similar work with similar applications but it’s focus is centered on 10 key virtues; these are: Self-Discipline, Compassion, Responsibility, Friendship, Work, Courage, Perseverance, Honesty, Loyalty and Faith.  Each of these ten virtues is given a chapter of it’s own which contains stories selected from the literary traditions of the world and which best exemplify each specific virtue.  The content is very diverse with stories from Native American, Oriental, Middle Eastern, African and European origins represented.  The selections also range from simple stories easily told to a child to pieces from Chaucer and Shakespeare amongst many others.  As with the Moral Compass this book is a wonderful resource for single father’s attempting to instill basic moral values in their children as well as an inspiration and reminder of the value of such principles for ourselves. 

Dealing with a divorce I’m sure you’ve learned, or are learning now, that it is a process that is an absolute trial by fire of your basic character.  your limits are sorely tested and you can be made to suffer for basic integrity and decency.  I can’t tell you how many divorced men that I talk to tell me about how they’ve been punished financially and emotionally for their efforts to do “the right thing”.   Stretch you finances to give your ex a couple hundred extra dollars to help the kids get something they need and next thing you know her attorney has you back in court and they’re increasing your child support or alimony!  Sometimes it can be easy to understand why some guys just disappear – or become  hateful and vengeful themselves.  The Book of Virtues is a great thing to have on hand in times like those as it helps us remember WHY it is important to hold the line internally and remain true to self.

As the philosopher said – “the unexamined life is not worth living” – and self-examination is a big part of rebuilding your life after a divorce (or in making the choice to pursue a divorce to begin with for some of us.).  While I’ve been divorced a number of years now I am still engaged in that process of self-study and understanding.  For me both of these books by William Bennett have been a very great help.  They reconnect me to the basics of my moral instruction and challenge me in how I am living up to those self-same virtues in my own life.

I highly recommend The Book of Virtues and The Moral Compass for any divorced man . . . sort of a must-have for the Divorced Dudes library!

Hope this has been helpful!  Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been reading William Bennett’s Moral Compass lately.  I have a pretty stressful and intense job so I’ve been taking my lunch breaks as a chance to re-group and relax for a bit.  I just close the door, pull the Moral Compass off it’s shelf and enjoy reading a few pages while I eat.  The book is really wonderfully suited for that purpose since it’s mainly a collection of sayings, poems, short stories and such.  So far I’m still in the first section which is geared towards the moral instruction of children.  There is some REALLY great stuff in here!  And as I’ve read it I’ve seen two powerful applications for divorced men:

The first application is pretty direct; it’s a good source of inspiration and material for any father who cares about imparting a solid moral compass to his children.  As I’ve worked my way through it I’ve thought back to the time when my children were young and the things I did (or didn’t do) to instill the basic core values of our society into them. 

For those of us who are divorced the responsibility and opportunity to teach our children   positive values and the importance of a good moral character are made a bit more difficult.  The amount of available quality time, conflicting messages from their other parent and the general influence of a very materialistic society can make it seem like a constant up-hill battle.  While a lot of the stories or poems are pretty old they each contain a nugget or two of solid wisdom that are never out dated.  If your kiddos are young most of it is great material for bedtime stories – if they are older it gives some useful analogies that you can weave into your conversations with them (see my earlier post “Scars” ( http://dudesndivorce.com/2009/06/13/scars/  ). 

The second application is a bit more subtle; Lets face it – our society makes so much “noise” that sometimes it’s hard to even think.  We are assaulted day in and day out by such a withering barrage of ambiguity, situational ethics, self-centeredness and materialism that it’s easy to get out of touch with our own moral compass.  I’ve found it very affirming and satisfying to go back to the “lessons of my youth” and read or re-read stories that reinforce and amplify the direction of my own, internal Moral Compass.  While it’s been some time since I last went through a divorce I know very well how chaotic that process is and how often you are confronted with difficult moral and ethical choices;  I can’t help but think how refreshing it would be to read some of this material when going through that.

I found my copy in a flea market and paid $6 for it; probably any decent used book store would have a copy laying around for about the same.  I looked it up at Amazon and they have it starting even cheaper than the $6 I paid for it . . . I went ahead and put that up on our Amazon widget in case anyone is interested.

All in all a very good and useful book . . . can’t wait to continue reading it and letting you all know what I find!

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill

 He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, 1993, Dell Publishing (check it out on our banner ad)

 This is one of those books that if it applies to you it REALLY applies to you and if it doesn’t well then it just doesn’t.  For myself it certainly does apply and so I found it to be very helpful in understanding why I do/did some of the stuff I did and still do at times. The book is great at helping the reader see patterns that they might not have been aware of previously.    

The book is divided into two sections; the first explains the different ways people avoid commitment and the second is basically a guide to determining if you have problems with commitment issues yourself.

In the first section the authors cover two types of people who seem to run into problems with committed relationships.  The first set are those who are actively avoiding committed relationships while the second set is comprised of those who are passively avoiding them.  Each type is explained through short vignettes of persons who exemplify the particular type and also through a very thorough discussion by the authors.  In reading this first part of the book I took it one chapter per night and found it easy to do so.  The authors keep the discussion interesting and practical (rather than going off into lots of psychology) and this allows the reader to focus on the potential application to himself.

The second section is a bit more involved and I recommend working through this at whatever pace you need.  There are sets of questions that are basically there for you to ask yourself; some more vignettes of people with specific types of commitment issues (these are there for you to compare yourself with) and some helpful advice and guidance that can be good “grist for the mill” if it applies to you.

Overall I think the book is a helpful read for anyone coming out of a committed relationship or who finds themselves experiencing a string of failed relationships; it can also be helpful to those who have been jilted by a commitment-phobic partner and find themselves with lots of unanswered questions.

Overall it is a very readable book that is filled with good, application oriented material and is helpful in understanding and identifying a variety of commitment issues in yourself and others.

So, anyway, there you have it – for what ever it may be worth.  Hope this is of some help to someone out there.

Be well!

Bill

Camping:  If you are pretty new to camping I’d suggest either going to the library, a bookstore or Amazon and picking up a book on camping basics, yeah it’s a little bit of a cash outlay but let me tell you – it is well worth the money to be  prepared than unprepared and miserable.  While I don’t own it I like Michael Rutter’s Camping Made Easy – it covers the basics very well (and is in our banner ad).  And that is really the difference between a horrible trip and a great one – knowing the basics and planning ahead!  Now having said that let me caution you against thinking that you have to buy top end, name brand, gear to have a good trip.  You can easily spend hundreds of dollars on camping gear which really doesn’t fit into the budget of most “Divorced Dudes”.  I’d suggest that the first time you go to try to borrow equipment from friends or family – no sense putting a lot of money into something if you end up hating it.  But if you end of loving it – or have gone a lot in the past and just need to re-equip then – as I’ve mentioned in an earlier post but  will repeat it here – for a single guy heading out on a weekend camping trip a cheap, one-man tent from Wal-Mart or a similar store will serve you very well.  I have just such a tent that I’ve used now for ten years or more and absolutely love it.  A little hint here . . .practice setting it up in your living room a couple times first to save you the frustration of having to learn as you go out in the woods.  An air mattress or sleeping pad is a wonderful thing to have especially if you are over 35  (I’m just sayin!) you can also pick one of these up for minimal cash at a discount store.  For lanterns, cook stoves (if you want one), sleeping bags and cooking gear you can often find these items in serviceable condition at flea markets, yard sales or surplus stores.  (and there is no law that you HAVE to have a sleeping bag – blankets work just fine if your not hiking or canoeing in to your site).  All in all a guy should be able to fully equip himself for less than a hundred dollars if he looks for deals and doesn’t get carried away.  I do a lot of canoeing in which I camp out each night on a gravel bar so I pack light;  Other than getting a bit damp now and then from unplanned swimming I have a wonderful time and stay very comfortable and I doubt I have $100 invested in all my gear (excluding the canoe) – I wouldn’t suggest starting out with that but it does demonstrate that it’s do-able.  Finally I’d also find a guide somewhere to campgrounds in your area.  Nice to know what amenities they offer and what to expect – while I can enjoy myself in fairly primitive sites I DO enjoy now and then camping at a campground that has showers available!   Yeah . . Yeah . . .Yeah . .  I’m a wimp! . . . but at least I don’t smell like a dead moose!

Fishing – yesterday I went to Wal-Marts and picked up some new tackle, mainly because I needed it and partially as research for this post.  I bought a nice little Shakespeare crappie rig (not “crappy” – “crappie” – a large panfish here in the States)  it set me back about $25 . . . I also bought some hooks, a couple lures, fish stringer (I like to eat ‘em although I do catch and release at times as well) and a little fishing box to hold it all in; my grand total was about $40.  Add to that whatever your state, resident fishing license costs and you’re probably not at much more than $50 for a whole summers worth of fishing.  I could have gone a LOT cheaper if I’d hunted up some yard sales but I wasn’t looking for a bottom cost estimate – just a fair one.  No, the rod probably won’t last 20 years (although it might if I take care of it) – but it WILL certainly get me through a summer or two at least and a lot of relaxing Saturdays along side a body of water.  What I like about fishing is that you can just decide to go “wet a line” on a whim.  If you are anywhere close to a body of water you can get home after work and just say “screw it! I’m goin’ fishin”!” grab your rod and reel, tackle box and away you go.  Even if you don’t catch much the experienced angler knows that isn’t the point . . . it’s about fresh air, sunshine and relaxation; or at least it is for me.

So anyway – there’s a few ramblings on a couple great outdoor activities that a divorced guy can get into for minimal cost and lots of relaxation and fun through the warm season.

Hope this was of help, ENJOY!

and Be Well!

Bill