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So I have a question; how many of you believe in magic?  No I don’t mean the presto-chango, hey what’s that coin doing behind your ear, sleight of hand brand.  I’m talking about the “REAL STUFF” the kind of magic that Harry Potter would be proud of.  I’m just taking a shot in the dark here but I’d guess that very few of you believe that the Lord of the Rings was a docu-drama.  As adults most of us realize that the laws of physics that govern the real, physical world prohibit that kind of magic, sad as that may be.  The reality is that there is cause/effect that work/effort produces results and that without the one you can’t have the other.

That being established I’ve noticed a tendency of people coming out of a divorce to believe in what I will call the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.  Basically this belief is that once one gets a divorce all of his/her relationship problems are somehow resolved and future relationships are fulfilling, stable and wonderful.

I’ve mentioned a time or two on this blog that often the laws of physics have their parallels in the emotional/psychological/spiritual as well and this is a perfect example of that truth.  You can not have a result (i.e. a great relationship) with out work/effort (i.e. learning and doing what makes a relationship work).  Relationships – by their very nature – take two and while you can have one partner who is short-changing the relationship or engaging in relationship destroying behaviors more than the other it’s still true that we all have lessons to learn in this regard. 

Think of it this way – if you want to have a houseplant that is lush and green and healthy you have to learn what the plant needs and discipline yourself to consistently provide it with those requirements.  To the degree you fail to do those things the plant will suffer and in extreme cases it may die.  Well if the plant dies and you get rid of it and buy another don’t the same principles still apply?  Don’t you STILL need to learn what the plant needs and still endeavor to provide those things?  The basic laws of plant physiology don’t suddenly somehow change just because you have a new plant.

Yet, somehow, many divorced dudes come to believe something similar when the get a divorce.  They probably don’t think it through really but never the less they seem to assume that since they got rid of the “dead” relationship of their marriage that their next one will somehow be much different, much healthier even if they don’t bother to learn or change or do anything different.  In essence they believe in magic; that they will be able to reap results without putting in effort.  In short they believe in the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.

Truth be told I really wish such a thing existed!  How great would that be eh?  Just wave a wand and “abbacadabra!!” poof! All your relational woes are gone.  Be a great thing if it were so – but, unfortunately, it isn’t and thus we have to put in the hard work and effort to learn how to conduct a healthy relationship and apply ourselves to putting those lessons into practice.  Yeah it’s not real easy but it DOES reap some pretty amazing rewards over time.

Hope this was helpful and as always . . .

Be Well!

Bill

Christmas Eve in Divorced-Land:

Merry Christmas fellow divorced dudes!  Looks like for a lot of us it will be a white one!

Thought I’d post what I hope is an encouraging message as we slide into both Christmas and New Years.  I know that this time of year can be one of the worst for divorced men.  Often we find ourselves alone, missing our kiddos and grieving the loss of the dream of family that we once held so dear.  Quite often we are also the victim of some rather nasty power games by ex-wives who out of sheer hateful vindictiveness are denying us time with our children.  Nothing can be lower than that – or more short sighted.  We are also often faced with the harsh realities of limited finances due to the extra burdens of child support and alimony and thus can’t provide the gifts to our loved ones that we’d like to.  I imagine about now you’re wondering when we get to the encouraging part eh?

So what do we have to be encouraged about?

Well for one – we ARE divorced!  Yeah I know – that may seem a bit counter-intuitive to say the least but really it is a potential positive.  No matter who left who the relationship was dead or dying and in its death it was tearing everyone involved in it apart – even if it didn’t seem to be so at the time.  While a divorce is certainly an ugly ending to many hopes and dreams it can also be a beginning step for the creation of new hopes and new dreams.  I’m not minimizing the pain and loss of a divorce – but suggesting also that you consider the opposite perspective that now – for better of worse – you can begin to move forward in your life.  This is what has helped me survive many dark days as a newly divorced man.  Yes there are hurts and challenges and problems and if you focus only on those you’ll be absolutely miserable.  But you can also choose to look at the freedom you now have to create or pursue new dreams and new directions for your life.  That is, to me, an encouraging thought.

I always like to look back over the last twelve months at this time of year and think about all the things that happened, all the opportunities that developed for me, all the good stuff that happened that I could have never guessed WOULD happen at the beginning of the year.  There have been years when I became a grandfather, made a new friend, got a promotion or got to spend some wonderful time with someone I love.  I can also see where a dream came true for me that I would have never guessed.  I suppose what I am saying is that there is so much POTENTIAL in a year!  Good stuff!

For those of us who have been divorced a long time the New Year can give us a reason to do that looking back and see how our lives have changed since the divorce.  It is easy sometimes to focus on the bad – the money spent on alimony, the lack on contact with our kids . . .but it can also be a chance to reflect on some positive stuff as well.  Maybe you’ve found a new lady in your life – maybe you’re going to school or taking up a hobby you always wanted to pursue.  Maybe you’ve had a change in jobs or you’ve moved to a new town.  All of these have the potential to be positive.

Having said all of this I know that for many of you this Christmas seems anything but Merry and Bright; in fact is seems like one of the darkest and most hopeless times you’ve ever faced.  I won’t try to gloss it over – it is indeed a very dark time filled with pain and loss and sadness.  So don’t try to have a “merry Christmas” just grit your teeth and focus on getting through it.   Go ahead on to work if you can or sleep in late, watch Rambo movies all day and try to ignore the fact that it’s the holidays.  If you have to spend it with family and friends then just accept the fact that it’s going to be different and that you aren’t going to be the life of the party.  What ever it takes to get through the next 48 hours.  Things DO get better (believe it or not) I think every divorced dude on this site who has been divorced for a while will tell you the same thing – it gets better.  Life goes on and there IS happiness and joy and goodness to be found on the other side of divorce.  It doesn’t always come quickly but just like Christmas it comes just the same.

Merry or not I wish you all a blessed Christmas and New Year

Be Well

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

As we approach Thanksgiving we may notice a tradition here in the USA of the President issuing an annual traditional Presidential Pardon to a turkey for the Thanksgiving Holiday.

This just makes me think, have we done something similar? Have we taken the time to issue our own Presidential Pardon? First, what is a pardon exactly? Merriam Webster defines a pardon as; the excusing of an offense without exacting a penalty or a release from the legal penalties of an offense or an official warrant of remission of penalty. Essentially it is an act of forgiveness. An act, that is a verb, that means you DO something. Not just think about it, not just think about doing something. But actually DO something, in this case forgive, in this case pardon.

What do we have to pardon? Do we have to pardon a turkey like the President? Perhaps not, but each of us as divorced (or potentially divorced) men have been through a painful period in our lives. We may feel we have been wronged by our ex, by the courts, by lawyers, by family members or friends.

Carrying this “wrong” in our hearts is like carrying a weight with you everywhere everyday. It wears you down and exhausts you, it drains your energy away from the things you could be doing, things you would rather be doing or perhaps should be doing. And, perhaps most of all, it does no harm to the person(s) to whom you hold this “wrong” against, it only harms you!

Issue a pardon, forgive them of this slight, this wrong. Let it go. Free yourself of this bitterness and anger.

And move on to bigger and better things.

Then you can truly give thanks for all your many blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Russ

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

I know this post’s heading is somewhat late considering Halloween is past us already (sorry, I’ve been swamped lately) but nevertheless the day caused me to think regarding our mutual topic.

Zombie

Zombie movies have experienced a resurgence in popularity recently and it got me to thinking (don’t you just hate when that happens?) how so many men (I could say people in general but our focus is on you guys) become zombies in their marriages.

For whatever the reason, perhaps due to stress or difficulties in the marriage or with the children or on the job or with finances (the “reasons” could be endless, it really doesn’t matter) many of us elect to retreat from our wives and children. Oh, it may start small and seemingly innocuous, “I’m just going down to the bar to have a beer with my friends.” or “I really need to do some work in the garage.” to “I’m going over to Al’s to watch the game.” But they grow or repeat until we end up spending more and more time doing these activities then we do spending time with our wife and children.

It is so EASY to retreat from a difficult situation. And it is often easy to deceive yourself about your real motivations about what your doing, “I’m not running away from the problem, I’m just going to work on the car. It really needs a windshield washer fluid changed right now.” Or “Hey, it’s not going anywhere. So what if I spend the weekend with my pals tailgating and no time at home?”

DON’T!!! JUST DON’T!!! DON’T RETREAT, MAKE YOURSELF ENGAGE WITH YOUR WIFE AND WITH YOUR FAMILY!!! Spend time building those relationships and those memories. When the end of life comes near few of us will fondly look back and remember all the carburetors we fixed or games we watched but, hopefully, we will be able to look back and happily remember the times we had with those we hold dear because we chose not to retreat to the garage or the bathroom or our buddies house.

Just a thought,

Russ

Hello dudes!

Last night I got together with one of my pals from work whom I haven’t been able to see in quite some time.  As the evening and the conversation wore on eventually we reached a point or topic in which I made a comment, my intent being to enlighten my friend on a particular subject. He, being a good friend, received it well, but (also because he was a good friend) choose to take that moment to enlighten me on how I spoke or rather presented my idea to him. He said, even though he knew it was not my intent, that I have a tendency to come across harsh. Perhaps it was all those years as a military briefer! You’ve got to condense everything you want to say into short bullet statements and delivery them with authority or you won’t be believed.

Nevertheless, I took his words to heart and asked him to elaborate some more. He did. He didn’t us it as an opportunity to chop me down. Rather he could tell  I was seriously and honestly wanting answers and wanting to improve this blind spot in my behavior. I was, and am, grateful to him.  I prefer to take the attitude that I always need to improve on something and that as much self evaluating as I do in attempting to do just that, I still have blind spots that I need other people who care about me and also want me to improve (want the best for me) to point out to me. So I find it is best to not get defensive (“I am NOT!!!”), but rather take an open and learning mind to the situation. Listen and learn.

Of course, the disclaimer here is that I am listening to people who care about me and also want me to improve and want the best for me. I’m not going to let myself be manipulated that would want to use my desire to improve just to  ”get” something out of me. I certainly try to keep my eyes and ears open for them.

Just wanted to share. Always keep learning, always keep moving forward.

Remember that old saying, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

Russ

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

This morning I woke up thinking about parasites, yeah, what a cheerful thought, huh? But I wasn’t thinking about your everyday parasites like leaches and ticks (well, not necessarily I suppose) rather those kind of people whether they are individuals or groups that have a tendency to attach themselves to others when their “chips are down”. At first they may present themselves as being concerned for you and your welfare or even some other mutual good cause but in the end you find they are just looking out for themselves. Naturally as you go through a divorce and for a time thereafter you are vulnerable to these types of people. You may or may not be approached by them and you may or may not succumb to their deceptions.

I think my point here is two fold; One to remind you that those people are out there and; Two to also remind you that even if you do succumb to their deceptions for awhile, don’t be too hard on yourself. Ok, you made a mistake, sure. But they hunted you down with skill and precision like a big game hunter hunting prey. They found you when you were most likely to be deceived and they  proceeded to do so to you. as I’ve been told on so many other matters, “You’ve got to learn to forgive yourself.” I think that is good advice. And may be a good place to start if you find yourself in this type of situation.

See ya later,

Russ

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

Have you ever bit into some real good looking piece of food only to find out that it wasn’t cooked all the way? Shocking, huh? And sort of gross too?

Perhaps you were so eager to eat it because it looked SOOO GOOD or maybe you haven’t eaten in a long time so you were extremely famished and JUST had to get something in your mouth and belly FAST!!! You know what I mean? Either way when you saw or tasted (or felt, yuch!!!) that raw food in your mouth you suddenly realized it would’ve been a better idea to wait until it was fully cooked, right?

It occurred to me last night that relationships can be a little like that, especially for us divorced dudes. If you’ve recently divorced and are about to experience a new relationship for the first time in a long time or if it has simply been a long time since you’ve delved into the dating scene it is easy to forget to slow down and let things develop or “cook” as they should. Some of us could have a tendency to rush headlong right into another relationship that may have the same problems we experienced with the last one or even worse ones!

Now I am not saying you can not find love again. Nor am I saying you can not find “love at first sight”, I am just advising that the post-divorce phase of a man’s life is a good time to take thing’s slow relationship-wise. To be a little cautious and patience with yourself, your feelings, and any significant other you may find. Again, as we have said before here at dudesndivorce.com, use and rely on your support systems, your friends and family, those you trust, for advice at this time in your life. Hopefully these people only want the best for you. Ultimately only you, of course, can make these important decisions but they can help!

See ya later,

Russ