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So . . . there I stood.  Clock on the wall said it was high noon but my stomach was growling like I hadn’t eaten all day.  Before me stood in defiant challenge the menu of a restaurant that my co-workers and I had chosen for a working lunch.  Never has a menu contained a greater concentration of items straight from the pit of dieter’s Hell!  Chili Cheese Fries!  Brats!  Pork Tenderloin Sandwiches!!  and (even now I get weak in the knees even thinking about it) Onion Rings!! and not those wimpy processed rings either!  I’m talkin the big fat home made jobs!!   Oh get thee behind me Satan!!  Men – I can not even begin to tell you how sorely I was tempted!  Of course I started to rationalize . . . “brats are high in protein!” ; “I only had oatmeal for breakfast so I can get away with it!!” and of course the classic “what could it hurt?”. 

For a moment my diet (and artieries) hung in the balance, everything became strangely quite, a hush filled the room, my life passed before my eyes!  Okay – so I’m probably building this up quite a bit for dramatic effect but anyone whose been tempted like this on a diet can relate I’m sure.

“Can I help you?” the waitress asked?  For a moment I was almost going to say “Pork Tenderloin with a side of Rings please!”  But then I came to my senses (much to my stomach’s dismay) and ordered a Chef Salad with a lite dressing and a bottle of water.  Not to make to much of it but I really think I probably deserve at least the Victorian Cross!  (my stomach feels the purple heart is in order!).

Just wanted to share this little victory with everyone and encourage any fellow dieters out there . . . after all if I can do it anyone can!  Food is certainly my weakness . . . I’m not much of a drinker, quit smoking twenty years ago, I don’t gamble, swear excessively or frequent houses of ill repute.  Most such temptations I can avoid.  But if Darth Vader was ever to turn me to the dark side it would be because he’d said “Join the Dark Side Bill . . . we’ve got jelly donuts!”.  Yep – pretty pathetic but you don’t know the power of the JELLY!  ~:?)

Recently resisted temptation also?  If you’d like to brag on yourself a bit we’d love to hear about ti!  Just drop a comment below.  Otherwise stay strong and Be Well

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers,

This week in one of my classes the professor handed out a sheet of paper with some great examples of just how confusing the English language can be. I’d like to share them with you. (Hint, it helps to get the full effect if you read them aloud. Don’t feel bad if you get messed up, my professor did too on more than one!)

The bandage was  wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he could get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsman about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planning, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a quinea pig is neither from Guinea or a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send by cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?

All these are quite humorous and thought provoking but it does make you think for a moment……”Did I say that to my wife (girlfriend, child, etc.) clear enough so that they could understand exactly what I meant?” Or, “Did I listen thoroughly to what she was saying to me so that I understood exactly what she meant so that there would be no misunderstanding? Did I ask for clarification if I didn’t understand?”

Language, communication, relationships are all more difficult than we might like to think. Just take a moment extra and either ask to make sure you were understood or that you understand. Really, what can it hurt?

Russ

1.  He keeps referring back to his dog-eared copy of  Divorce Law for Dummies.

2.  Your Ex-Wife’s attorney heaves a huge sigh of relief when they hear his name.

3.  Your attorney has to represent you from a remote location because the judge has filed a Restraining Order against him.

4.  Instead of an attache’ case he comes to court with his papers in a large plastic shopping bag.

5.  He asks you to make your check out to someone named “Guido”.

6.  He pouts whenever the judge won’t uphold his objections.

7.  He has to bum a ride to court.

8.  His law office is in the back room of a pool hall.

9.  He asks your ex-wife for a date. . . and she accepts!

10.  His idea of appropriate court attire is a t-shirt with a painted on tie.

Hope this was good for a few laughs gentlemen (and I hope none of them apply !! ~:?)

Be Well!

Bill

Hey dudesndivorce.com readers!

For many of us divorced dudes the post divorce time includes acquiring new skills or re-acquiring long unused ones. And it can definitely pose some strange situations! For instance you should see the looks on some of my friends faces when I recently told them I was thinking about getting a sewing machine. You could tell my manhood was being questioned in their minds! But, hey, I’ve got some clothes that need mending and I don’t see why I should throw them out or pay someone else to do it if I can learn. You would have thought they would have gotten accustomed to these type of conversations with me after I talked to them about needing to buy a new vacuum!

But it doesn’t end there, oh no! When I go to the store to shop for it I ask two nearby ladies which model was best for a new person learning to sew. They responded as if they assumed I was shopping for a gift for a female friend or family member. Their whole attitude changed when I said, “Well, I just want to mend some shirts and jeans. I don’t plan on making anything. I just wanna fix what I have.”  Funny, now that I think about it, one lady did leave rather quickly after I said that. I’m sure that was a mere coincidence. The intrepid sole survivor helped answer some of my questions and gave me some pointers to get started. I didn’t even mind that she spoke to me as if I were somehow mentally challenged. I got what I needed, made my selection, and left.

After all this I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a good idea to tell the guys at work I bought and hung some curtains in my apartment this past weekend.

See ya later,

Russ

 Ya know pepperoni pizza and beige carpet don’t go together? Who’da thunk it?

 Russ, the klutz!