dudesndivorce.com

Hello gentlemen!  Hope this post finds you in good health and spirits. 

I thought that maybe this time around I’d like to try something a bit different.  I was looking at our stats last night and noticed that we have a LOT of men visiting the site from countries all over the world.  While the largest percentage is from the U.S. we have a good number of you visiting the site from all over Europe, the Middle East, Africa . . . basically everywhere!  So it occured to me that a very large percentage of you currently reading this post are facing factors unknown or rare to those of us living in the continental United States.  Undoubtedly the laws and customs are different where you are and so are the challenges you face as a divorced (or divorcing) man.  Come to think of it even those of us who live here in the states will have different challenges presented by the differences in state laws and your local community norms.

So I was thinking that it might be very informative and helpful for all of us if everyone were to send in a comment on challenges you face in your local, unique, situation.  Just a line or two really would be fine and you might also include some things that you feel work very well in your local situation.  If we get a good response on this I’ll pull these comments together and combine them into a post or series of posts (maybe organized by common themes or issues).  I feel that not only could this be VERY interesting for all of us but it might also inspire some creative thinking on solutions to problems we face as divorced men.

So, please everyone – go to the comments section at the bottom of this post and write up a brief synopsis of the challenges you face because of your local laws and customs.  It really is easy to leave a comment on our site (you don’t have to register or provide a ton of personal information). 

Thanks for doing so and . . . be well!

Bill

That is very likely one of the toughest decisions a man will ever have to make.  It is also a decision that defies any simple formula or process as it involves not only nearly every area of your own life but of the lives of your children and spouse as well.  It’s also one that has life long consequences for everyone involved and for all intents and purposes, once made, it can’t be taken back.

I’ve been through this several times and fully intend on never going through it again.  In my experience it seems like everyone you turn to has a different opinion on the matter and will try to influence you one way or the other.  But of course in the end it is you who has to make the decision and live with the consequences – not them.  So my purpose for this post is not to join in that number and be yet another voice advocating yet another course of action . . . but to share some guidelines that I found personally helpful as I worked through the problem at hand.  Before I start I will share that although I’ve been divorced twice, I’ve faced the question of whether or not to pursue a divorce several times and have reached conclusions of both yea and nay – I don’t consider the choice to “stay with” the marriage a mistake; they were the right decision at that time, just didn’t work out to be a long term and permanent solution.  Here then are the guidelines I’ve used:

-  What is the source of the problems?  Sometimes our feelings and attitudes can make something that is fixable seem insurmountable.  By sitting down with yourself and analyzing as dispassionately as possible the true source of the problem you gain a clarity of perspective from which to make rational decisions.

-  What is my motivation?  What do I hope to gain or what do I believe needs to change?  This is related to the guideline above but looks more at outcomes.  Sometimes marriages reach a point where they just aren’t “fun” anymore; your spouse is driving you nuts, you feel trapped in a dead-end and there’s just no joy left in the relationship.  When things are that dry it is easy to get caught up in the negative and begin to think that things are hopeless.  That’s when asking this question and being very honest with yourself is a lot of help as it will serve as something of a reality check.  Of course it may be that there are much more serious problems in your relationship – infidelity, substance abuse, domestic violence or financial irresponsibility to name just a few.  In those situations the same question is still very helpful.  It helps focus your efforts and define your boundaries.  Will counseling worth a try? Should I stay or leave?  What do I want/need to work towards for the children and what efforts do I need to make in that area?  Having a well defined understanding of your internal goals for the situation will help guide your decisions and actions.

- What are my core values?  This sounds so easy but can be very difficult.  From experience I know that you can easily believe that “Divorce is never the answer” until you find yourself in a marriage in which the behavior of your spouse is such that it really leaves you with no other option.  It is tricky sometimes to know the difference between being rigid and being resolute in your convictions . . . between being adaptable and wishy-washy.  The only cure for this is to spend some time really examining these core beliefs . . . not in general, theoretical terms but in specific, real-world application.  If your spouse has a violent temper and is injuring members of the family then which is the stronger belief – that you have to protect your children from abuse or that you have to stay and make the marriage work?  My only advice here is not to put yourself in the insane position of having to try to balance tasks that are mutually exclusive.  You and your children can not live with a violent person and still remain safe.

- What will matter ten years from now?  We all know how things can seem so horribly important RIGHT NOW . . . but a month or a year later they are barely remembered.  I’ve found that to be an important dynamic to keep in mind when contemplating divorce.  Ten years from now what is going to matter?  How is this decision (pro or con) going to change your children’s life?  How will it impact finances, education, relationships?  Is the source of the problem something that will still seem like a problem ten years from now if you leave?  Or will you be wondering if maybe you shouldn’t have been a bit more understanding? A bit more willing to overlook some things?  Only you can answer that.

I hope these guidelines are of help – like I mentioned earlier they worked for me as I faced similar decisions in my life.  Of course in the end it all comes down to you and what you feel is best for your children and yourself.  If any of the other divorced guys out there have anything to add please feel free to chime in!  And if you are contemplating a divorce at this time and want some feedback – let loose!  We aren’t professional counselors (obviously) and we won’t tell you to leave or to stay . . . but we can listen and share from our own life experiences what seems germane to your situation.

Be Well!

Bill

Yes, there are some real advantages to being a divorced man!  It’s not all alimony and lawyers after all . . . the following is a fun look at some of the items on the “plus” side of the balance sheet!  ~:?)

1 – You’ll never have to purchase “Feminine Hygiene” products on the way home ever again.

2 – You can actually USE all of the towels in your bathroom!

3 – You no longer care WHAT time of the month it is!!

4 – You are eternally free from ever having to lie to someone about how fat they look in something.

5 – No more mother-in-law!

6 – In a related vein . . . no more father-in-law telling you how to run things in your own house!

7 – “Do I actually plan on eating that?” . . .yes!

8 – No more “honeydo” lists eating up your whole weekend.

9 – You can look!

And finally . . . .

10 – If you want you can spend an entire Saturday in your easy chair, watching sports and eating junk food dressed only in your boxers! (ahhh the good life!).

Hope that was worth at least a chuckle or two, feel free to chime in with one or two of your own!  Always glad to hear from you.

Till next time . . . Be Well

Bill

As I’ve read Russ’s posts over the last few days one of underlying elements that’s I’ve really liked is the importance of taking personal responsibility for where you are in life.  Sure the actions of an ex-wife might have contributed but in the end it is the decisions we make that determine how those actions impact our life. 

Unfortunately many divorced men fall into the trap of blaming all the woe in their lives on someone else and accept a feeling of powerlessness over their situation.  In short they become “Victims” of the divorce.  Now I’m not arguing that sometimes court decisions can be extremely biased against the man and can put him in a very difficult financial and emotional place.  But while our power to change such things may realistically be somewhat limited; what we allow that to do to us internally is completely up to us. 

I believe strongly that we choose constantly between the role of “Victim” or “Victor” between giving away power and responsibility for our lives or taking that self-determination upon ourselves.  I’ve watched a lot of people as they respond to heartache and challenges and it seems like those who take the higher (if initially more difficult) path of the Victor always come out much better in the end than the Victims.

Of course “Victorhood” is much more difficult than Victimhood; it requires us to accept responsibility for our role in current circumstances, it refuses to accept the sympathy of others or the part of martyr.  We have to face challenges head on and wrestle with them until they are overcome.  It requires vigorously maintaining a sense of optimism and self-efficacy, even despite apparent facts to the contrary.  Whereas with victimhood you only need lay back and suffer the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” with Victorhood you must “take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them”.  The choice is ours, is ALWAYS ours, and we make it daily in how we respond internally to even the smallest external events.  If you get behind a slow driver you can bemoan the “fact” that you “ALWAYS” get behind a slow driver . . . or you can turn up the radio and sing along or plan your next fishing trip or think about ways to get ready a few minutes earlier in the morning or . . . whatever.  In short you can’t do anything about the amount of force the driver in the other car exerts on his accelerator – but you can choose how you are going to interpret the situation and use it either for or against yourself. 

Victim or Victor – the choice is yours!

Be well

Bill

Good Evening gentlemen!  You know Dudesndivorce is still a pretty new site; we’ve only been around since September of last year after all!  But we’ve noticed in that time that we’ve managed to build a pretty loyal readership and let me say right now how much we appreciate that! 

Recently Russ and I were talking about ways that we could expand the site to increase its usefulness to all you who’ve been dropping by to visit.  One of the things that we discussed was the idea of making USEFUL products and services available.  Since we are both divorced ourselves, struggle with money issues and never seem to have enough minutes in a day to get everything done – we know how nice it is to find a good deal on-line for something we need.  Saves money and since it’s shipped to our door there’s no time wasted shopping.  

So we’ll be adding some links to what we feel are good on-line sources for the various items that men might be interested in buying.  Personally I do a fair amount of business with Amazon and am always pleased with their services; Bidaroo is an on-line auction that looks to have some pretty amazing deals (and a big part of the proceeds go to charity! ~:?)  We’ll probably add a few more over time.  And may even start doing some product reviews so our readers can avoid rip-offs or take advantage of a good deal.  To be up-front guys this will also help offset some of the costs Russ and I incur in putting this site together; we love doing it and hope it’s helpful but if we can recoup some of the cost . . . well I know we’d both appreciate it!

Finally; if you ever have a problem with a site linked here please let us know; if we get several complaints we will discontinue that site.

Thanks for reading dudesndivorce.com and we hope this will be a helpful service to all of you.  Be Well!

Bill

I think Russ’s point in his last post is one that needs to be considered as we enter into possibly tougher times.  For a long time now money and credit has been pretty easy to come by and even many of us struggling with alimony and child support payments have been able to make relatively small purchases without too much difficulty.  But it seems like we may be heading for times in which even small purchases need to be carefully considered and the use of a credit card avoided if at all possible.

Russ mentioned ways to buy books for himself at a reduced cost which subsequently brings up the question of what other small purchases could be made more cheaply?  In my last post I discussed several ways to cut corners on everyday expenses but what about the not-so everyday?  Things like small appliances, furniture and “linens” all come up now and then and can cost a man a lot more than he’d like to spend.  Back several years ago I was setting up housekeeping in an apartment and needed to buy some of the essentials listed above.  It was amazing to me how much money was involved in buying all of these new!  A table and chairs, couch or easy chair, bed, sheets and blankets, towels . . . we’re talking quite a lot of money!  But there are some ways to cut that expenditure back by quite a lot.  Some of these I did and some I’ve learned of since then.

1.  Buy furniture on clearance or used – often times furniture stores take trade-ins or just haul off the old furniture for a customer.  Some of this is pretty good quality just a little beat up.  A few hours hunting around and bargaining with the owners can result in a real savings here.  Even if you have to have it reupholstered you are ahead.  Sorry to say it but a lot of the new furniture coming out isn’t all that high quality even new so an older piece may be fundamentally better made.

2.  Appliances such as mixers, blenders, coffee makers, crock-pots and the like can often be found at thrift stores such as Goodwill or Salvation Army, flea markets or yard sales.  I’ve mentioned this in an earlier post but I think it bears repeating.  Check to make sure they are operational before buying and really be picky about the quality you are getting – but it is not uncommon at all to get a good quality kitchen appliance for 20 dollars less than you’d buy it new; that’s worth a little time!

3.  Towels and other linens can sometimes be found real cheap at a factory seconds outlet or even a yard sale or such.  When I buy them at yard sales I try to only get white towels or sheets that can be bleached without harm.  Run them through the wash a couple times and they are perfectly serviceable.  Maybe not something for company but very workable for day to day use.

4.  If you have an occupation or hobby that involves getting dirty outside a lot then buying work/play clothes at yard sales and thrift stores is also a good idea.  Sometimes it takes a bit of looking for your size and all but it is amazing the deals you can find at times.  I once bought three pair of very good quality jeans (name brand) in almost new condition for three bucks each!  Took them home, ran them through the washer a couple times and they lasted me for years!   No sense spending thirty dollars to buy a pair of pants new that you are just going to get dirty in.

5.  Renting vs. buying movies; okay men I’ve a confession to make . . . I’m one of those dudes you see in the department stores hunched over the $5 movie bin searching for something I don’t have yet!  I know a lot of people just rent but I figure a one time expense of 5 dollars and I can watch the movie dozens of times for years and years.  That same 5 spot will just get a couple viewings of a couple movies and then that is it.  Personally I think buying is a smarter way to go.

So anyway those are just a few examples – Just to “prime the pump” as it were and get us thinking.  If you’ve come across similar money saver ideas feel free to chime in with a comment! (they’re easy to do!!)  We’d love to hear from you.

Until later – Be Well!

Bill

Hey dudesndivorce.com guys!

Just thought I’d chime in real quick with a comment or two in the middle of Bill’s excellent series on finances.

I love books but new ones can be expensive and quite the drain on the checking account! Fortunately I have found some ways around that.

I have learned to keep an eye out for book sales at my local public libraries. Many times they organize these as fund raisers, sometimes several times a year, and not only sell used books from the library itself but donated books, magazines (National Geographics for example), CDs, etc. at amazingly low prices. 

Also I have learned to shop at used book stores. I say learned, because some used book stores are definately much better than others. Some are a virtual treasure trove of used high quality books (but you might have to hunt around a little) while others are just a collection of unpopular paperbacks. I suppose that is a measure of the management and the usual clientele. 

I have found books that I consider the real priceless cornerstones of my personal library through these two methods!

For those of you who do want to eat out, glean information for local specials. Often restaurants have those pesky “unadvertised” specials that only the regular customers seem to know about. For example in the town I live in there is a wonderful little Korean restaurant. Each day, Monday through Friday they offer a great lunch special for only $5. Great food, hand prepared, and with personal service for $5! I can’t even get a decent burger at a restaurant for that price nowadays! I bet if you poked around your town or city you might find some similar deals too.

Hope this helps. See ya later!

Russ