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Communication is the engine that drives a relationship, without it you just aren’t going anywhere.  Yet although this is universally true most people struggle with effective communication – especially married couples.   As you consider whether your marriage is salvageable or not I believe that one of the most important areas to give thought to would be this one.  Can you and your spouse communicate?  I don’t mean can you speak the same language (I actually know of one special couple who started out NOT speaking the same language and yet they communicate very well!). 

Communication is about getting to understanding.  Not just saying what you think but saying it in such a way that the other person can actually hear and understand your message.  It’s also about listening, really listening, to what the other person is really saying.  So many times we talk AT each other and only hear what we think the other is saying.  Notice the pattern there?  Poor communication is when we think more about ourselves than we think about the other person.  Effective communication on the other hand happens when you remember to forget about yourself and focus completely on the other person.  That’s a difficult skill to learn.  Also notice that we aren’t talking about agree or disagree here.  A person can fully hear and understand you but still disagree with you!  So effective communication isn’t about reaching agreement – it’s about reaching understanding.  Easy to get those confused.

 So what’s going on in your marriage?  Do you and your wife talk AT each other?  Do you feel like she never really hears or understands what it is you’re trying to tell her?  Does she complain that the two of you don’t really talk?  Are you sometimes surprised by her reaction when you’ve done something you thought she agreed with?  Is there a lot of “surface” talk (weather, what’s for dinner, what’s on T.V.) but not much meaningful sharing on important issues?  These are all symptoms of communication problems in your marriage.

 The good news is that poor communication isn’t an incurable disease.  You can learn and develop better communication skills over time and an ounce of effort usually reaps a pound of improvement.  There are a lot of good books on the subject and most counselors are well trained in communication skills and can be a great help.  Just be willing to take the time to practice and learn.  Bad news is that sometimes, in some relationships, so much anger and bitterness and animosity has built up that it creates a real block to developing good communication skills.  Also, some people feel that the idea of “learning to communicate” is a load of psychobabble horse stuffins and so they automatically discount any efforts at improvement here.

As with all the other posts in this series this one isn’t meant to tell you what decision to make regarding your marriage.  Instead it’s just meant to provide some thoughts to think as you weigh those matters in your mind; I hope that it helps in that regard.

 Be well

Bill

The next principle to think about as you contemplate the need to separate from your spouse is respect.  Do you respect your wife even when you disagree with things she says and does?  Do you feel like she respects you even though she may not agree with you?  Do you both treat each other with dignity and in a way that is respectful of the other person’s feelings and beliefs?  If after a lot of thought you can answer to the affirmative then there still remains a fundamental element of respect in the relationship and that is a valuable strength that can go a long way towards resolving the problems between you.  Like trust, respect is vital to building a safe environment in which a couple can allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to work towards a stronger relationship. 

Some time ago I wrote a post and an article on E-Zine.com about how relating to an ex was kind of like petting a porcupine . . . you can get close enough to do so without getting hurt but first you have to win their trust; otherwise all you get is quills of defensiveness and loads of pain.  Respect is a crucial piece to building that trust as it let’s the other person know that you take them seriously and will honor what they feel is important. 

Unfortunately respect is easily lost.  Sometimes the loss is the result of something one partner did to the other; an affair, violence, cheating or lying; such acts are demeaning to the other partner, are profoundly painful and demonstrate a lack of concern for their thoughts, feelings and sense of self-worth.  Resolution here can only be found when first the offending partner DEMONSTRATES by both words and actions that they regret their actions and are willing to humble themselves to the other and ask for forgiveness and then, second, the injured partner must genuinely forgive the offender.  Unfortunately many marriages are caught on the rocks of either an insincere apology or an undependable forgiveness.  If you ask for forgiveness and then repeat your offense then obviously you weren’t being sincere and that only compounds, multiplies, the disrespect.  Likewise if you forgive then you must be willing to forget which means you don’t bring up the supposedly forgiven offense each time you get into an argument.  Until both parties are sincere in their regret and their forgiveness the relationship will founder on the rocks of disrespect.

Respect is also sometimes lost by taking your partner for granted in the daily grind of life.  In the hustle and bustle of day to day living this can be incredibly easy to have happen. Because your partner is so much a part of daily life it’s easy to forget how much they contribute to the overall end product of our lives.  Personally I feel that this is one of the leading causes of the infamous “7 year itch” – at that point in time relationships have moved out of the honeymoon period and settled into the monotony of work, sleep, eat.  Lovers start taking each other for granted and start feeling the loss of emotional connection and significance.  This depreciation of the respect you felt in the relationship’s early days leads to dissatisfaction and resentment.  If this is the core issue for your marriage then get back in the habit of letting your spouse know how much you appreciate the things she does . . . and romance her a bit!  You might be surprised by what happens!   On a darker note though this same tendency to take the other for granted is at it’s worst when one partner comes to see the other as merely a means to an end; be it finances, a clean home or regular sex.  This depersonalization of the other is extremely destructive to the healthy respect that a strong marriage is built upon.  If you feel like this is the case in your partnership then you have a tough problem to fix; one that will probably involve some healthy confrontation and counseling to resolve. 

Finally a loss of respect can come in the form of disrespectful and abusive treatment.  Unfortunately, for whatever individual reason, some people grow sour over time.  Maybe they are unhappy with their life in general; maybe it’s something from their childhood, a habit of “stinkin’ thinkin’ or even a personality disorder.  Whatever the reason some people develop a habit of hateful and mean spiritedness in how they relate to others.  This can come in the form of belittling comments, verbal “tongue-lashings”, harshness, criticalness and constant arguing over even the smallest things; in extreme cases it can even lead to physical violence or cruelty.  Often these patterns don’t develop suddenly but slowly over time.  Like the proverbial frog being boiled alive we find ourselves being boiled in the vitriol of our partner’s ill-treatment before we realize there is a problem.  Unfortunately sometimes even after we’ve realized that there is a problem we hesitate to defend ourselves too strongly out of a mistaken idea that it’s better to avoid an argument.  If after some honest self-examination you realize that you are guilty of this kind of mistreatment of your spouse then counseling is probably in order.  Either to gain some better relationship skills or to address whatever is causing the pain inside of you that you are transferring onto others.  If you are the victim of this kind of treatment then to preserve yourself and the marriage both parties are going to need to get into some counseling and you need friends or family who will support you and build you up emotionally where your spouse is tearing you down. 

Respect is a crucial element in any relationship but especially in a marriage.  Nearly every form of the traditional wedding vow includes the injunction to “honor” one another and for good reason.  Without honor or respect the marriage relationship quickly becomes a source of bitterness, regret and anger.  Like everything else there is no perfect marriage and for some that may mean a certain degree of struggle with giving and receiving respect between spouses. Whatever your situation only you can really gauge the degree of the problem and the possibility of a solution.  Hopefully I’ve been able to provide some added grist for the mill as you consider these issues and how to respond.

Be well

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers! It’s been awhile since I have contributed a recipe to our blog but I recently found one that I thoroughly enjoyed and thought I would share it with you also. As before it is a great crock pot recipe, Kielbasa Soup!

INGREDIENTS:

16 oz pkg. of frozen mixed vegetables or your choice of vegetables

6 oz can of tomato paste

16 oz can of stewed tomatoes

1 medium onion, chopped

3 medium potatoes, diced

1.5 lbs kielbasa, cut into 1/4 inch peices

1 green pepper, diced

Oil or grease your crock pot then combine all your ingredients together into the pot. Add a little water for the soup, I added about 4 cups. And spices to taste, I added ground pepper, garlic seasoning, and Lawry’s seasoning salt. Turn the crock pot on low for 12 hours (don’t forget to close the lid!) and later you’ll be enjoying a simple and hearty meal! Easy clean up too. Afterwards I only had to wash my cutting board, a knife, and the spoon I used to stir it all together! Ya gotta like that!

Enjoy! See ya latter,

Russ

As we continue this series about making the decision to remain in your marriage or leave it; the next factor we need to give some thought revolves around trust.   In my opinion trust is perhaps THE critical foundation upon which all relationships are built.  You can have commitment, you can have communication and you can have love – but if you don’t have a deep and abiding trust in each other the rest really doesn’t matter. 

Distrust in a relationship is kind of like rust on a bridge’s spans.  It is corrosive and weakens the strength of the overall structure.  It’s also hard to repair and is made worse with even the smallest “rain” or trust destroying act.  Also, and most importantly, it reduces the relationship’s ability to deal with the added load of a crisis just like rust destroys the bridges ability to handle a large and heavy truck, so that when put under that stress the bridge (or the marriage) can fail catastrophically. 

For a man debating with himself whether to stay or to go the question of trust becomes vital.  How much trust is left in the relationship?  What destroyed that trust and can it be rebuilt? How long has the lack of trust been growing?  If your marriage still retains a goodly amount of basic trust then no matter what the problems are you have something to work with as you try to resolve them.  I guess Trust equals hope in this regard.  On the other hand without any appreciable trust nearly every problem becomes ten times more difficult to resolve.

As you weigh the question of trying to remain in the relationship and resolve it’s problems or calling it quits and trying to rescue whatever can be saved from the ruins it might be wise to consider first and foremost just how much trust yet remains between you and your spouse.  Unfortunately there is no Trust-O-Meter available at your local department store and I’ve never been able to find a breeder for Trust Dogs that can sniff out trust like some do for narcotics.  Good news is that you really don’t need these . . . just sit yourself down and really think about how much you really trust your spouse; only some serious contemplation and brutal self-honesty can answer that question. 

So how much DO you trust her?  If very little then what has she done that has destroyed your trust?  Was it a one time betrayal (such as an affair) or is it a chronic lack of concern for your needs or feelings?  It might also be a chronic problem with alcohol, substance abuse, gambling, excessive spending or just a plain failure to meet the reasonable expectations of one spouse to another in running a house and building a family.  All of those problems can be resolved – some much more easily than others – but being very aware of the balance in your “trust bank” ahead of time is invaluable in determining if you have “sufficient funds” to see the process through to it’s end.

As with the other posts in this series this isn’t meant to provide answers – only bring your attention to factors to consider as you make this most difficult of decisions

Be Well

Bill

Hello there fellow divorced Dudes!  Hope all is well.

Thought I’d fire off a quick post on a great new site that’s come to my attention – Dinner at Dad’s.  Almost a month ago the blog’s author, David, left a comment on my introduction page asking if I’d have a look at his site.  Well between work, the holidays and a forgetful mind I didn’t manage to do so until this weekend.  Very much my loss. 

As most of our regular readers are aware Russ and I try to provide a recipe now and then on simple to make but good to eat dishes.  Having been divorced for quite some time we’ve both had to learn how to cook or starve (and believe me Russ and I are FAR, FAR, FAR from starvation!!)

Dinner at Dad’s is a great site; the author’s posts are fun to read and give a real personal quality to what could have been a pretty dry topic.  He discusses the typical day to day drama of being a single man raising kiddos (teenage daughters lord bless his soul!).  Along with these David includes some great recipes!

Needless to say I included the site in our links section and heartily suggest taking a look at what he has to offer. 

If anyone else has a site they’d like for Russ or I to review on a topic pertaining to the life and times of divorced “dudes” please let us know and we’d be happy to oblige.

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

While I enjoy many types of movies I do reserve a special place in my heart for a well done animated story and that is what we certainly have here in “A Bug’s Life” from Pixar and Disney. Released in 1998 it was one of the early ventures into computer animated movies and, while the animation does stand out, what makes this movie timeless is the same thing that makes any movie timeless—a really good story.

The story centers around a community of ants who are under the “thumb”, as it were, of a group of thug-like grasshoppers who provide them “protection” from supposed threats much like the mafia provides protection to businesses for a price. The grasshoppers price? An annual contribution from the harvest. Naturally this can only occur as long as the ants believe they need the grasshoppers so-called services. This environment is maintained by two factors; 1) the ants live on an island and are afraid to venture beyond it so they do not come into contact with others and 2) the grasshoppers, particularly their leader Hopper constantly tell the ants how weak and unimportant they are and that it is only “natural” for them to serve the grasshoppers. Despite the fact that the ants outnumber the grasshoppers by a factor so large it would knock your socks off and the fact that the ants are the only ones willing to do ANY work (the grasshoppers are classic bullies and spend all the time they aren’t shaking down victims by eating, drinking, and carousing!).

Into this distorted situation steps our unappreciated hero, Flik. Flik is the anti ant. Unlike the rest of the ant community he lives in, Flik is non traditional, willing to think and act outside the box, he is an innovator, an inventor. And in the classic movie tradition, a bumbling, fumbling, yet kind hearted with the best of intentions inventor. So, naturally despite his best intentions he completely destroys the annual offering to the grasshoppers and brings down punishment on the ant community and enmity on himself in the process! In an effort to redeem himself he concocts a plan to leave the island (What? Leave the island? No one leaves the island!)  and find some mercenaries to fight and finally once and for all extinguish the grasshopper threat. The rest of the ant community is more than willing to let him go just to get him out of their way!

So off Flik goes into the wild wild world! Eventually he wanders into the “city”. Where he meets up with a those that will help him in his quest, a band of recently unemployed circus performers. Yeah, not just any circus performers they are bad ones. Probably why they’re unemployed, right? Yep! A perfect choice to take on a group of mean spirited, tough, rugged thugs? Yeah, sure, why not? You’ve got your fat effeminate caterpillar who thinks of nothing but his next meal, you’ve got your twin gymnastic pill bugs that don’t understand a word anybody else says to them, a stick bug that is always worrying about his next “role”, a male ladybug with gender and anger control issues, and a has been magician that never was! Not to mention the co-dependent spider. A perfect team to take on the mafia like grasshoppers! Nonetheless through a great deal of miscommunication and false assumptions that is the situation we have. Naturally when all comes to light plans, ideas, and faiths are shattered.

But this is where the story gets good (especially for us divorced guys) the characters realize they really have no other choice, turning back is not an option any longer. They, despite their fears and doubts, must believe in themselves, in each other, and in their plans. There is no going back now. They must move forward.

Isn’t that so true with our situation as divorce men and as divorced families? The divorce has happened, we can’t change that. If we have children our families have been broken up, you can not deny that. But it is not the end. We need to have faith in our selves that we can come through this, but that is hard to do sometimes. It helps to have others around you, it helps if your family can understand they also need to pull together to help themselves both as individuals and as a family come through this very difficult period of their lives. I think this movie illustrates this principle well.

It is a heart warming movie with a lot of humor for all ages. The animation is first class. The characterization and voice acting is superb. I think it is one of the best, if not THE best of the computer animated movies I have seen (with the possible exceptions of “The Incredibles” and “Kung Fu Panda”). Don’t wait for the kids to be around to watch this, pop it in the DVD player and watch it yourself. Go ahead, I won’t tell anybody. You never know, you just might find yourself enjoying it too!

See ya later,

Russ