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The next Myth that both society at large and many divorced men believe about divorced men has to do with their parenting skills.  In short there is an assumption out there that somehow men just don’t make as good a parent on average as the average woman.   While I think there has been some progress made in this area it isn’t much.  As some of you may know I was a single dad for about seven years when my children where very young in the 80’s and 90’s.  I can’t tell you how many people – both men and women – openly expressed doubts to me about a man’s capacity to be a loving and nurturing parent. 

I’ve seen a lot of guys who have gone through a divorce and despite some pretty serious character flaws in their ex-wife haven’t even attempted to fight for custody because not only do they (perhaps rightfully) assume that a judge is going to be biased against a man seeking primary custody of the children.  But they also doubt their own ability to care for and raise their children.  It’s almost as though men automatically take a back seat position to women when it comes to parenting their children.

Well hogwash!  A man can do just as good a job not only raising but nurturing and caring for their children as any woman.  Sure it’s tough; the life of a single parent ain’t no walk in the park buddy!  But if your only reason for not trying to do so is a lack on confidence in your ability to be a loving and nurturing parent – then get over it.

You may not parent like a woman parents; for instance rather than reading them a book as they sit on your lap (although that’s great) you may opt to bond with them by “wrasselin’” on the floor of the living room.  But although it is different it is not worse than a woman’s way.

Think on that as you ponder your relationship with your children.

Next post will be on Thursday when we’ll look at Myth Number IV!

Until then . . . Be Well!

Bill

When it comes to the lengths people will go to when fighting for custody of their children its safe to say that nothing should surprise us.  So many core issues are involved here including not only the care and up bringing of one’s children but also the financial concerns of child support, the pressures exerted by extended family and friends, self esteem and perhaps a persons own parent/child issues.  Whenever you bring that many critical matters of the human heart together on one issue things are bound to get ugly! 

As I have thought and planned this article it’s become more and more obvious to me that one post is simply far to limited a space to touch on this topic, even lightly. What I plan on doing then is extending this series into next week to look at each of the most common forms that custody battles take. 

A bit of self revelation is in order here; not only am I a single parent, I also work in Child Protective Services and see these issues played out every day.  Given these qualifications I believe that I can speak about what to expect in a custody dispute.  However, while I have some knowledge both personal and professional of custody issues I AM NOT an attorney so nothing I say here should be taken as legal advice.  I am also a CPS worker in only one State in the U.S. and my focus is on Abuse and Neglect issues – every state is different in their laws and policies concerning both Abuse/Neglect as well as custody issues rising from divorce (CPS doesn’t normally get involved in parental custody disputes).  So although I can speak well in general terms and broad principles, the personal application to your own situation should be taken with these facts in mind and should, ideally, involve an attorney whenever possible.

So what kinds of things can we possibly expect?  Well as I mention above just about anything.  Custody disputes take many forms including legal battles, involving CPS, relationship warfare, exerting financial pressures and even outright physical violence.  I will examine each of these in the week ahead and look at some ways to defend yourself; I’ll also look at how each of these affect the children unlucky enough to get caught in the middle.  I will do that because, believe it or not, it is sometimes easy for parents to forget the toll their warfare is having on the children; talk about your “collateral damage”!!  Our children naturally love both of their parents; even if their parents have come to hate one another.  And even when one parent is behaving in an exceptionally destructive manner that the children must be protected from . . . they still love that parent.  I think that’s a critically important fact to consider before we launch into the coming weeks subject matter. 

We’ll start that discussion on Tuesday with a look at issues involving legal battles.

Until then be well

Bill

Custody Concerns II:

On Tuesday we talked a bit about some of the things to take into consideration when deciding which parent should be primary care giver for the minor children.  Today I thought it might be helpful to encourage some discussion and thought about a few of the problems that can come up once that decision has been made.

Divorce is never an easy thing as I’m sure most of you are aware; it’s also not something which is simply over as soon as the judge makes his ruling.  Ideally that would be great were it true but unfortunately divorce seems to breed a form of drama all it’s own.

The situations I’m going to mention here are probably the three most common sources of difficulty in custody arrangements, if you’ve given some thought to preparing for each of these then you should be well ahead of the game:

-  Romance; odds are pretty good that eventually your ex will find someone new and become involved in a romantic relationship.  This can be a difficult experience on a host of levels not the least of which is the idea that some other guy is now spending a great deal of time with YOUR kids!  In fact if she is the primary care-giver he may be spending more time with them than you are.  In the best of situations this can be difficult simply because your children may think he’s kind of neat and may talk about him quite a lot; not an easy thing to hear especially if you’re still harboring some feelings for the ex-wife.  It’s easy to respond poorly to this situation and wind up alienating your children at the very time you are wanting to draw them closer to you.  To make matters worse you may have reason to believe that this individual posses a threat to your children; this is when things get really complicated!  The first impulse is to protect your children by forcing this person to stay away from them.  The problem with this approach is you really can’t force anything at this point without the collaboration of the court, law enforcement or Child Protective Services and to enlist their aide you need solid and convincing proof.  We’ll talk more about this in Saturday’s post.

- Moving; Western culture tends to be pretty fluid with families moving from one town to another fairly frequently; this doesn’t suddenly stop just because you’re divorced.  In fact there is a tendency for one or both parties to move to a new location within a relatively short time of concluding the divorce.  Maybe for a new job, to be closer to supportive family or just to get a fresh start on life, whatever the reason if there are children involved odds are that distance may suddenly become an issue.  This is one situation in which going the extra mile to make the divorce as amicable as possible can really pay off.  If you and your ex-spouse haven’t engaged in a war during the divorce process and are still able to hold civil discussions about what is best for the children then there is a chance that a potential move can either be diverted or modified so as to lessen the impact on the children.  Otherwise, just prepare yourself to make some long trips to pick the children up for their visits and don’t succumb to the temptation to decrease the frequency or length of the visits due to convenience.  I know several men who barely have any relationship at all with their children because they haven’t made the sacrifices in time and money necessary to maintain regular contact.

-  Legal challenges; this is more likely to happen if you are the one who ends up being the primary caregiver.  Social conventions still tend to assume that the woman is naturally somehow the better parent.  When a guy ends up with physical custody of the children it naturally puts your ex in the position of feeling some social condemnation and thus pressure to fight to “get them back”.  The result can be several years of constant legal warfare with some pretty dirty tactics being used against you.  We’ll discuss that a bit more in depth on Saturday but for now let me just note that I’ve had personal experience with this and the best tactic for me was to pay attention to the details of the children’s care, document everything and find an attorney who knows their stuff.  After awhile the other party will start doing themselves more harm than good with the constant pettiness; so patience, patience, patience.

These are the three big sources of problems in custody arrangements; or at least they have been in my experience.   

Saturday I’ll post on some of the most common tactics used in custody warfare and what I’ve learned regarding each one in real life application.

Until then everyone be well

Bill

There are many difficult decisions that have to be made during a divorce; but the hardest of all has to do with deciding upon the custody arrangements for your children.  Even when divorce is clearly the only answer for a relationship it is never a good thing for the children born of that relationship.  Not only is it a terrible loss for children it also forever changes your relationship with them.

In this post I’d like to present some things to ponder when deciding wither you or your ex-spouse should have primary physical custody.

- First of all notice my assumption that one parent will have primary physical custody.  Some courts will award both parents equal physical and legal custody with the child spending equal time with both.  Let me tell you . . . it may sound great and it would be – if the child was a set of dinnerware or a lawn mower!  But children need stability and stability is very, very difficult to provide when the child is being shuffled back and forth between two homes; so for their sake I would suggest carefully looking at other options first.

-  Children require a lot of time and attention.  Not only do their basic care needs require a time investment (cooking, cleaning, homework, etc . . .) but also in spending quality time with them in order to nourish their emotional development.  Which parent has both the time and the ability to make that investment?  Maybe both of you do – maybe neither.  It’s important to examine that question honestly and frankly and factor that into your final decision.

-  Aside from questions of availability, which parent can better relate to the child and his or her needs.  This doesn’t mean simply that little girls need to be with their mommy and teenage boys need to go with their dad . . . it also has a lot to do with the personality mix between parent and child.

-  How will the child’s life be disrupted?  Sometimes parents forget that children have a complex social world that they belong to outside the family.  Uprooting a teenager from friends and school can be a devastating blow and when it comes along with a divorce can amount to a one/two punch that can have long term emotional and behavioral consequences.  But it isn’t just teenagers that are so affected; even a preschooler who is uprooted from the daycare they’ve been going to since infancy can be strongly effected. 

Probably you’ve already thought of all of these plus a few more; or maybe there is something here that hasn’t occurred to you yet.  Naturally no short article on the web is going to give you everything you need to come to a quality decision on this matter.  The purpose of this post is simply to give men currently facing the issue a few basics to get started.  For those of you who’ve already been through this perhaps you’ve some things to add or suggestions to make; if so please feel free to leave a comment for others to read.

On Thursday we’ll look at some problem areas that commonly come up in custody arrangements and how to prepare for them.

Until then, take care!

Bill

As you have probably noticed from the variety of subjects covered in the posts below we cover a lot of ground here at Dudesndivorce.com.  One topic though that I recently noticed was missing regards those men who have physical custody of their children.  For me this is an especially important topic since I was a single dad myself.

 One of the challenges I faced as single parent was in being distracted by all the busyness from spending quality time with my children .  When you’ve a house to clean, meals to cook, a job to keep and bills to pay (not to mention squabbles with the ex!) it is sometimes easy to go through the day and miss spending quality, fun, time with them.  While this is always important to do as a parent it is ESPECIALLY important for single parent households.  Divorce takes a toll on children and they need a parent who is really there for them.  Quality time tells them they are important and loved.  For me this has been a process like everything else with ups and downs along the way; but here’s a list of ten things we did that I feel helped the kids and I connect. 

1.         Afternoon trips to the park or the lake:  Sometimes we’d pack a lunch or some snacks (really fun if you let THEM fix the lunch!! ~:?) and just drive out to one of our local lakes or to the city park.  The lake was always fun in the summer b/c you can go swimming or fishing or collect neat rocks (or bugs).  Quite often we’d take trash bags with us and clean up a section of shoreline.  Not only did we do something together it also taught them some good lessons on environmental responsibility . . . my children are pretty much grown and none of them are litterbugs! 

2.         Bowling: this is a great activity!  The kids and I made a weekly routine out of a trip to the bowling alley.  We’d go pay bills, do our shopping and take a trip to the bowling alley where we’d bowl a couple games or play some video arcade games.  It was fun, fairly cheap and there is enough of a challenge at all ages to keep it fun.

3.         “Shoot Out”: everyone gets a Nerf gun or something similar that shoots a soft, non-injurious, projectile and then let the games begin!!  Make sure you put up the breakables first of course but this is a real hoot.  Kids especially love it when they manage to nail dad and he does the overly dramatic final death scene.  (of course my three year old always liked to body slam me in the middle of my soliloquy! ~:?) 

4.         A regular T.V. show:  every Saturday night for YEARS the kids and I sat down to a fun dinner in front of the T.V. and watched that week’s edition of COPS.  One of my reasons for selecting that show was that it very clearly shows the consequences of criminal behavior.  There was/is a lot of action and for the most part it is pretty clean.  Now I’m not suggesting everyone adopt that particular show but spending an hour together as a routine watching one special program is great for family unity.

5.         Dinner at the table:  yeah I know I just mentioned dinner in front of the TV but in general as the children were growing up we ate our meals together at the table.  It was a time to talk and visit and discuss important “stuff”.  It is too easy to get in the habit of eating in front of the TV but that really robs you and your children of some time to visit. 

6.         Reading to them or listening to them read:  excellent for brain development, reading skills and close one on one time.

7.         Coloring or drawing: especially if the kids are young – a big piece of blank newsprint or some coloring books, some crayons and just lay on the floor (don’t be afraid to color outside the lines!).   

8.         Cooking together:  having the kiddos help in the kitchen can be great family time and you might just be surprised how much help they can be!  You have to be careful naturally about hot surfaces and knives but as they grow you can have them doing age appropriate things like cracking eggs, measuring, stirring sauces, setting the table etc . . ..  It’s a good family activity that develops an important skill set as well.

9.         Attend church together:  while maybe this is not for everyone if you are so inclined I feel like this is a very important facet of building family unity.  Talking about Sunday School lessons or the subject of the sermon provides an excellent venue for moral instruction and it touches on something deeply meaningful that we can share with our children.  I have often been absolutely amazed by an insightful comment that one of the children made in response to a Sunday school lesson. 

10.       Just talk WITH them.  It is so easy as a single parent to forget to take even a minute or two to connect with our children as persons.  We often talk TO them “go do that”, “You need to do this”, “Quit doing the other” . . . but what builds that quality relationship with them is taking time to talk WITH them, asking questions and then really listening to the answers; engaging them fully in a two-way conversation.

You’ll notice that conspicuous in it’s absence is any mention of soccer games, band meets or other organized events.  Such things are important and I’ve no problem with them but they don’t do much to build a relationship with your child.  If all your time with your child is spent doing this sort of stuff maybe it’s time to re-examine your schedule. 

It’s not always easy and you are never as good at doing it as you’d like to be but taking the time to take time with your children as a single dad is incredibly important for both you and them and can be the key to their making it through the difficulties of the divorce.

If you’ve other activities that you’d like to share please leave a comment.  If you’d like to share with someone else feel free!  Just credit dudesndivorce.com.

Thanks

Bill

Over the last four or five years, as I’ve talked with men about their experiences with divorce, there has been one subject that always inspires the greatest emotional response.  In summary it is the perception many men have that the legal system is heavily biased against them.  This bias is exemplified in a variety of ways; from child support being automatically deducted from a paycheck while paternity fraud complaints receive little more than a figurative dismissing shrug from the courts and legislators; to single fathers having to fight an uphill battle in the courts to prove their suitability as primary care-taker. And in most jurisdictions it requires nothing more than an accusation of domestic violence by a woman against a man to insure he spends a night in jail.

This is a problem limited not just to the U.S.!  In conversations with other divorced men in Australia and the U.K it appears that the issue is wide spread and global in nature.  I suppose that at least some of it stems from traditional views of women being the “weaker” sex and therefore in need of extra protection under the law or at least in the court room.  While this author acknowledges that some differences remain in terms of pay differentials between men and women the current realities no longer justify the level of protection afforded women at the expense of men.

Am I advocating that men should not have to pay child support?  . . . of course not and neither are the vast majority of men who pay.  But all too often mother’s fail to report changes as required in order to continue to receive support they are no longer entitled to; in such cases what penalties does the woman face who has so defrauded her ex-husband?  I know of at least one situation in which a man was defrauded by his ex into paying several months worth of child support because she intentionally withheld information from him pertinent to the issue.  In essence this amounted to her stealing several thousand dollars from him . . . was there a penalty? jail time served? income garnished?  No!  In fact the gentleman in this situation was told if he wanted to recoup the money he should hire an attorney and go to small claims court!  Yet the state had assisted in the collection of the defrauded amount without expense or cost to her via automatic income garnishment.

Talk with divorced men and these are the kinds of stories you will hear.  Despite the media’s tendency to represent men as “Deadbeat Dad’s” who value their pocketbooks over their children, the truth is much different.  The vast majority of men gladly take an active part in the up-bringing of their children; both financially and emotionally.  The plain truth that needs to be addressed is that the Justice system in far too many divorce courts is anything BUT just or impartial.

It is time for a change.