This last weekend Russ came down for a visit along with my son and my grand-daughter.  It was a great time having everyone at the house and we had a chance to really get in a good visit and just set back and enjoy the weekend.

I think it was Sunday night that Russ and I were visiting as we put together something to eat for the Cowboys/Giants game and got talking about the odd habit we have as English speakers of saying “Damn it” when we’re upset with a person, place, thing or event.  Have you ever really thought about that before?  I mean when you say “Damn it” you are basically asking that the thing you’re upset with be sent to Hell (as in “damned to Hell”).  As is normal for Russ and I we were kind of half joking around and half serious at the same time and we discussed how that if you spend your whole life damning everything you hate and then end up going to Hell yourself . . . well then you’ve really only yourself to blame if it’s filled with the things you hate!! 

I’ve been mulling that over in my mind since Sunday and I think there is a great point of insight buried in there.  In a way aren’t we really always in the process of building a Heaven or a Hell and filling it with the things we love or hate?  Maybe not the actual Heaven or Hell of the Bible – but a reflection of those in this life that we create day by day through our attitudes, words and deeds.   As I’ve said several times in this Blog “where your focus is . . . there you are!” and I really believe this illustrates that main point.   If you take a “damning” attitude towards life in general and the people and events of which it is comprised then you have a damning focus and thus – a damned existence.  This is so like some of the people I’ve known over the years that it seems almost self-evident to me.  They trust no one, always expect the worse, constantly find fault in everything and everyone and always overlook beauty as they focus on the ugliness of life.   They grow bitter and miserable and sullen and for all intents and purposes live in a Hell of their own damned creation.

On the other hand there are people who are always focused on goodness and beauty and blessing.  These people expect the best in people and situations and even when bad stuff happens they are able to find the silver lining or the hidden blessing.  As time goes on they seem to grow more content, happy and full of joy and they never seem to loose the wonder of childhood.  They live in a Heaven of their own blessed creation.

OK – sounds a bit heavy and maybe more than a little corny – but I think the core point here is sound; watch your attitude!  Don’t let your divorce and it’s associated pain and heartbreak sour your attitude and set you on a road of damnation.  It’s easy to do! The emotional pain, the injustice of the court system, the stress and pressure can all conspire together to make a man angry and bitter.  But awareness of the danger helps as does a determination to remain positive even when acknowledging the challenges and hurts facing you.

Stay the course, remain focused on coming out of your divorce a better man and you’ll be a long way towards avoiding the Hell of your own damning!

Be well!

Bill

So how does this apply to the average divorced “dude”?  Well to start off with I’d like to point out that when you are in the process of going through a divorce it can be very much like a battle; you are completely focused on strategies, tactics, ground lost, objectives won and gaining the high ground in one sense or another.  To a large degree that kind of focus is necessary and needful since you are fighting for your financial survival as well as your future.  But this focus can become myopic to the exclusion of your ability to see or be aware of the collateral damage being inflicted on others.  It can really come as a shock to some men to realize how deeply their children, family and friends have been hurt by the war being waged between them and their ex-spouse.  This is where that “sympathetic consciousness of other’s distress” comes in very handy.  Being aware of how the divorce is impacting others.  You know sometimes we refer to it as “MY” divorce as if it was something that we owned personally and which effected only us (and the ex).  Think of the paradigm shift that is forced on you if you call it “My children’s divorce”!  WOW!  It can be like a slap to the face!  But it IS their divorce just as much as it is yours and the decisions you make in how it is resolved you are making for them as well as for yourself.  Being sympathetic of that fact is of vital importance to how deeply these things will effect them for the rest of their lives.  Children from divorced parents who constantly fight and argue and hurt each other are much more deeply hurt by the divorce than those children whose parent’s divorce was conducted with minimal vitriol.  I recognize that there are two parents in every divorce and that your ex-wife doubtless contributes at least her share to the fight.  But, as my mom always told my brother and I, “two wrongs don’t make a right”.  And so while it isn’t easy to ignore the lashing words and actions of the other party the nature of your response is still your personal responsibility.

But compassion isn’t only important when it comes to how you conduct your divorce in light of your children.  It is also a key point in how you relate to your children afterwards.  To what degree would you say that you are sympathetically aware of how difficult the divorce has been on your children and how that has tempered their perceptions of you, their mom and family relations?  When they express their hurt to you how do you react?  Out of compassion or out of self-defense?  Kids at any age can deal with these kinds of situations without a whole lot of tact, diplomacy or tenderness – they can and do say things that are very direct and starkly real.  While some do a good job of covering up the pain other’s just tell it like it is!  When they do realize that it’s not about you and how you feel . . . it is about them and how they feel.  Awareness of their distress and a desire to help them deal with that distress in a healthy manner is not only a mark of compassion; it’s good parenting.

Finally, I think that compassion is the perfect antidote to a common aliment of many divorced individuals (both men and women) and that is bitterness.  As I read Mr. Bennett’s Book of Virtues it struck me that the opposite of compassion is often not callousness or meanness but bitterness.  Let’s look at the definition again to show what I mean.  Compassion is a “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it”; whereas bitterness is associated with pain, suffering, rancor and coldness.  In essence you could define bitterness as:  A sympathetic consciousness of ONE’S OWN distress together with a desire to focus on the causes of that distress but not necessarily on its alleviation”.  In short, compassion is about others whereas bitterness is all about ourselves.  Bitterness is an easy trap to fall into when you’ve had your life radically and negatively changed by divorce; but the practice of compassion helps us escape that trap.  When you are focused on the hurt in someone else it is much easier to move beyond your own.  When you are helping someone in greater pain it puts your own pain into perspective.  As the saying goes – “I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.”  Divorce tends to make us very self focused so it helps to lift your head up out of you navel and look around.  Identify some one or some group whom you would like to help and put your energies into that.  Volunteer at Salvation Army, YMCA, a food panty, Humane Society, CASA, Big Brothers or a nursing home.  It helps you care better about those close to you if you practice caring about strangers.  Don’t just send money!  Writing a check is a poor way to practice compassion – you have to do something physical and active.  Hand someone a bag of food, walk an abandoned pet, spend time with a child in foster care, paint an elderly person’s home not out of charity (not that charity is bad) but because you are aware of their distress and you want to help make it better.  I think you’ll find by doing so that your own post-divorce bitterness will fade away, you’ll be a happier, more self-content person and a better parent and friend.

So, compassion really is an important virtue and one which also yields practical benefits for the divorced man.  We’ve discussed how it can temper how you conduct your divorce in light of your children’s long-term best interest, how it can help you be a better parent and finally, how it can help you avoid the bitterness that overcomes many men after a divorce.  For those of you who are reading or have read The Book of Virtues perhaps you’ve identified some added benefits that I missed here; if so please feel free to mention those in a comment or write to us at dudesndivorce@dudesndivorce.com as always we’d love to hear from you!

Until then . . . be well!

Bill

I wrote a half-serious post a while back about the fearsome “Divorceoraptor” alluding to those individuals who get so wrapped up in their anger and bitterness towards their divorce and their ex-spouse that basically those things become the center of their lives and very miserable and un-happy lives they are at that!  I’m a big believer in the adage that where you focus your attention there is where you are.  If you focus on past hurts then in a way they never make it to your past – they never go away – they are always your PRESENT hurts because you are PRESENTLY focused on them.  Makes sense doesn’t it?  I think the key is to forgive; to let it go; to move on with your life.  Otherwise why bother getting the divorce at all?  Seems to me that if you and your wife are always hurting each other to the point that life is a very unhappy and painful thing for both of you – and you get divorced because of that and then spend the next 20 or 30 years rehearsing those past hurts, nursing those old wounds and never letting go of your anger towards your now ex wife . . . well what really has changed?  She is still hurting you and the marriage is still hurting you even though both have been gone for years! 

A much healthier way of getting on with your life, post divorce, is to do just that . . . get on with it!  It does take time to recover, forgive and move on but the direction should be towards each day or month or year feeling less hurt from the past.  In a really bad marriage (the only kind that should end in divorce by the way) your life basically stops; your growth as a person is stunted and hindered by the unhealthy and toxic environment that you are living in.  When that marriage ends, the toxic environment should also end (if you allow it to per what I wrote above) and you can begin to resume healthy growth.  From what I’ve observed the men who do best after their divorces are those who become very focused on renewal.  Renewal of their relationships with their children, family and friends; renewal of their goals and hopes and dreams; renewal of their careers, hobbies and education.  In short they focus their energy on reinventing and improving their whole lives.  It’s part recovery, part healing and part picking up their lives and setting a course for where they want to be as a whole person.

I’ll pick up this theme of renewal in my next post but until then I suggest pondering some of these points and considering how this applies to your own situation.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill