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One of the more prevalent myths that many believe about divorced men is that they unaffected, or affected much less than women by the break-up of their marriage.  By and large it seems that many people assume that a divorced man, deep down inside, is glad to be rid of “the old ball and chain”.  Probably this misconception is based, at least in part, on the tendency for men to down play their feelings and put up a “false front”.  They may complain to each other about what a witch the ex was or how cold she was in bed or how much money she spent.  But in every conversation I’ve ever had with other divorced men no one ever said “you know what – I loved my wife deeply and it hurt like hell loosing her.”

But the truth is many divorced men DID and still DO love their wives and many ARE hurting like hell.  There may have been a lot of problems in the marriage, many fustrations and hurts and betrayals of trust.  It may have finally gotten so bad that one or both of you HAD to call it quits.  But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to do so; didn’t mean that their wasn’t a loss.  All of this is even more true if you were suprised by the divorce – if she cheated on you or simply and suddenly called it quits.

I’ve seen a lot of guys who were shredded inside emotionally but felt that, somehow, that made them abnormal.  They believed the myth that other guys just don’t hurt that much and don’t have too hard a time getting over it and moving on.  Let me tell you – feeling one way and acting another can be a pretty hard way to try to live your life.  That’s part of why Russ and I started this site – to give men a chance to share the reality of what they are going through without all the macho posturing bullshit.

This ties in with the next myth about divorced “dudes” which I’ll cover on Saturday.  Until then I hope something I said here was of help and maybe has given you something to think about.

Be Well!

Bill

Kind of an odd title really, if you think about it; after all what profit could there be in writing an article with such a title for a site designed for Divorced “Dudes”?  Wouldn’t . . . shouldn’t they already know these purported truths?  I think the answer is both “yes” and “no”.  I agree that we divorced men already know many of these “truths” I’m about to present but they tend to only know these about themselves personally.  I think many divorced men feel pretty alone, isolated, solitary.  Many don’t realize that the issues they deal with day in and day out are pretty commonly experienced by divorced men everywhere.

In the following series I’d like to open up for discussion a handful of  commonly held myths about divorced men and contrast these to what I feel is a closer representation of the truth.  In part I’m doing this to hopefully educate a few members of the general population who happen to come across this on the web.  But my central purpose is to get divorced men thinking about some of the assumptions we make about other divorced men.  I think it is empowering for the individual to realize he’s not so alone after all.  And that is really one of the greatest purposes of this site – to get men talking, thinking and sharing with each other about the impact of divorce on their life.  Seems the best way to get that ball rolling is to encourage us to start realizing we have a lot in common with each other.

Unfortunately our society tends to typecast divorced men into either playboys or losers.  Either we’re driving a Porche and dating supermodels or we’re driving a Pacer and can’t GET a date.  But the reality is, of course, that the vast majority of divorced men fall between these two extremes.  We aren’t oversexed playboys, we aren’t all “deadbeat dads” and we all have some baggage that we’re still trying to deal with.

I’ll start the series in earnest on Thursday and continue with an issue each post until we get through.  As always I invite comments, feedback and suggestions.  Feel free to leave those below or write us at  divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com  

Until then – Be Well!

Bill