Well you have probably noticed a few changes to the site, nothing really major as far as functionality but I would like to acknowledge that Mike over at SquarePeg Systems  (otherwise known to us as “Web Dude”) has really come through again!  Mike helped us through a botched upgrade attempt (let the record show that I was the one who botched it – a computer genius I ain’t!) and got us “squared” away.  Mike does excellent work, is helpful, friendly and always patient with what I am sure seem like stupid questions from Russ and I.  He’s also Bi-lingual!!  meaning he speaks both Computeresse and English! (a big plus for us!)  Mike is also very fair and honest in his pricing and Russ and I have always felt that we received an excellent return for our money.  Dudesndivorce highly recommends SquarePeg Systems for any computer related issues you might be having – we have a link up but I’ll put it here as well . . .  http://squarepegsystems.com/  Just ask for the Web Dude!  ~:?)  (Thanks Mike!)

You’ll also notice a couple new conveniences we’ve added to the site.  At the very top of the this section (right below the header) you’ll find we’ve added a Google Search bar.  Thought that might be helpful if you read something here you’d like to get more information on or have a desire to look something up while checking out our site.  The results page will open up in a new window so you don’t have to stray too far from our site as you chase down a particular thought or side interest.  Hope you find it helpful.

We’ve also added “The Dudes Recommend” carousel at the top of the sidebar – this will change from time to time as Russ and I find new things to recommend to our readers.  We’ll try to keep a good mix on there of helpful books (a good one on there right now about helping your kids out after a divorce), movies and fun stuff (Man Cave Sign – checkitout! ~:?) There is also an Amazon Search Box right under that Carousel to help you out if you’re looking for something in particular to purchase from Amazon.

To be honest – yes – we make a little money off of these (“LITTLE” being the operative word here!  just a few pennys per purchase) our hope is just to recoup some of the costs associated with producing this site for everyone.  We understand that divorced men are usually living on a tight budget so we don’t want anyone to buy anything they don’t need or can’t afford.  But if there is something you plan on buying anyway it won’t cost you any more to go through our links to do so and it WILL help us cover some of the expenses here.   Also – if you’d prefer – there is a pay pal donate button in the sidebar now as well.  Again we know funds are tight for divorced men but if you enjoy this site and would like to send a dollar or two our way we sure would appreciate it.  We’re not looking to get rich – just cover some of our costs; Thanks for thinking of us.

In other news . . . SUPERBOWL is almost here!  Colts vs Saints!  Might be a real good game eh? 

I think I’ll plan on posting some recipes for SuperBowl snack food in the next day or two – food being one of the most important parts of a good Superbowl experience! 

Until then enjoy the new additions to our site and of course, as always,

Be Well

Bill

To start off I can’t emphasize enough how important to a divorced dude true friends are.  Family is great, kids are great, girl-friends are great all in their respective ways – but a small handful of close friends are really invaluable.  This constitutes one of those relative changes; while friends are of middle importance to a married man they are of MUCH greater import to a divorced one.  Why? because they provide a sense of normalcy, perspective, support and stress relief; let’s look at those individually:

Normalcy:   After a divorce your life makes some big changes.  You are no longer a married man and you find your place and role in the world deeply different than it was just a few short months before.  It’s easy to feel a little isolated and to wonder if the things you’re feeling and the challenges you’re facing are normal.  That’s where and when a few friends who are also divorced can really be a god-send!  I recall when I first went through a divorce and became a single parent that I had the very good fortune of making a few friends who were also divorced, single parents.  Can’t tell you how many times they helped me realize that they had also been though the same things I was facing and that I could make it through just like they had.  This is part of the reason Russ and I started dudesndivorce.com  – to help men feel a little less isolated out there in divorce-land.   This is critical for divorced men and something that can be best provided by a few close friends; especially male friends.  Guys have a way of telling it to you straight and letting you know when you’re drifting off base.

Perspective:  As many of you are only too aware the process of a divorce and the difficulties of dealing with your ex afterwards can become darn near all-consuming.  Eventually things settle down but for the first couple years life seems to center around custody, court, child support/alimony and negotiating visitation.  It’s really hard to keep your sense of perspective through all of that!  Seems as if your world is revolving around every phone conversation, every contact and every payment.  You can find yourself constantly looking for hidden meanings and suspecting hidden motives behind everything your ex-spouse says and does.  During that time it’s great to have a friend who’s been through that already and who can listen while you vent your frustrations and maybe help you take a step back now and then to take a broader view of the situation.  In fact, that function of friendship doesn’t cease being important after the initial phase passes on – I think it remains important throughout your life.  I’ve been divorced a long time now but every now and then Russ says something that helps me see that I’ve lost some perspective along the way.  When you are married your spouse normally provides that outside perspective and balancing function – but once divorced we have to depend a bit more on others in our life and a good friend is a pretty decent stand-in – at least in this regard.

Support:  You know support is one of those things that some men won’t admit a need for beyond a jock strap.  Something about the male persona causes many of us to deny the need for an outside source of emotional energy and support.  Not sure why that is but it is true none-the-less.  Now I don’t suggest that we all need a friend to hold our hand or carry us through every crisis.  But I will maintain that even the strongest amongst us need to have someone they can turn to now and then for some encouragement and a listening ear.  Divorce is HARD! It’ll suck every ounce of emotional energy out of you in no time flat.  You often feel like there’s no way to win, that you are being put through an industrial strength wood chipper and that all your options are shot.  Ex-wives know all of our emotional buttons and delight in pushing them repeatedly; finances are shot ta heck, kids are acting up or telling you they hate you . . . yeah . . . FUN TIMES!!!  When life gets that crazy there is just no way that any human being can go it alone for long without going bonkers or turning to a friend.  Even if it’s just getting together for dinner and a game or two of bowling or to watch a game – having the company of someone who isn’t piling more stress on you and who might actually be interested in hearing you unload some of your own is priceless.  That’s not something that only applies during the time immediately before and after a divorce.  The need for the support of a friend remains important long after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.

Stress Relief:  One of the things I always know I can count on from Russ is that he and I can get each other laughing in all but the absolutely worse times.  Can’t tell you how often I’ve called him up when I was in the middle of a crisis and before the call was done we were cracking each other up.  We can also have a great conversation about movies, football, food, politics and just the crazy day to day stuff that happens to us all.  Maybe that doesn’t sound like much but believe me it is one of the things I value most about my friendship with Russ.  Divorce in particular and life in general can really build up the stress levels till you think you’re going to scream!  Be it some idiot at work, problems with the car or a huge and unexpected bill – there’s always something putting on the pressure.  That’s why I value the resource I have in a great friend like Russ – someone I can call up and tell about the moron at the office and who will empathize with his signature statement “some people’s children!”  Now I agree that it takes time to build and develop a friendship like that – Russ and I have been working on it for over 30 years now!  But even a fairly new friend is usually good for sharing some laughs with and that is a very important (and often under appreciated) contribution that friends can make to our lives.

Having said all this great stuff about friendships I can imagine that there are some men out there who find themselves currently without any close friends.  It’s not unusual for men to focus so much energy on work and family that they never take the time to develop outside friendships; so when a divorce happens they are pretty much left isolated.  Well gentlemen – it’s never too late to start!  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts it’s a good idea after a divorce to get involved in some social activities; church, clubs, civic organizations . . . not only are they great ways to start rebuilding your life they are rich sources of potential friends as well.  Start attending and don’t be afraid to take the initiative to start a conversation.  That’s how most friendships start.

Next post we’ll focus on the relationships we have with our children and how those change with a divorce and how to make that change easier and healthier for everyone.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill

First of all not all safety threats are physical.  There can be real threats to a persons mental and emotional health that are every bit as dangerous.  I’ve seen relationships in which chronic self-destructive behaviors on the part of one spouse was slowly destroying the other.; I’ve even seen a suicide that resulted from this type of situation.  Persistent infidelity can slowly destroy the heart and soul of the betrayed partner.  Chronic substance abuse can put huge stressors on a mate’s mental, emotional and financial health as they struggle to deal with the lies, manipulations and dysfunction of the addict.  Mental health issues in a partner can also create a hellish existence for their spouse.  Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not suggesting that married life is all sweetness and light.  There WILL be times in every marriage when one partner is sick or unemployed or depressed or grieving or SOMETHING that places a large burden on their husband or wife.  That’s part of why we make those deep commitments when we exchange marriage vows.  Don’t be a fair weather spouse and use that as an excuse to bail at the first sign of trouble.  No – what I’m talking about here is situations in which you realize that you’ve reached a point where your spouse is on a self-destruct course, that they are NOT going to turn it around and they are sucking you and your children down with them.  When you reach that realization (and it can be a difficult one to accept) then sometimes the only option left for you is to leave. 

Second; note the comment about your children – remember that they depend on their parents for everything – including a safe environment in which to grow up.  There are times and situations in which if it were just you and your spouse – two adults without any children – you could stay, put yourself through the hell and possibly pull your spouse out as well.  But if you have children then their needs come foremost.  If the marital environment has become so toxic that you, as an adult, are struggling to stay healthy, then just imagine what it is doing to them; a gnarled old oak can survive weather that would kill a sapling. 

Third; we often tend to minimize safety risks.  Sort of the boiled frog situation in which things are getting hotter and hotter but we’ve kinda gotten so used to them being that way that we loose perspective.  Often times we wake up to the true level of danger only after it is too late for ourselves or our children.  Ask yourself this question – if a good friend, family member or child were in your shoes what would you tell them?  What are your friends and family telling you?  How bad have things really gotten?  It’s a tough question to answer but you are the only one who can so it’s worth some serious thought.

Finally – if you are being physically attacked then the situation is grave.  As people we can do a lot of ugliness to each other but tend to hold off on the physical violence until things have really gotten bad.  If your spouse is able to cross that last line in the relationship then the problem has become critical and you have some very tough and very urgent choices to make.  Not just for yourself but for your children as well.  Few things are more destructive to a child’s social and emotional development that witnessing violence between their parents.  As with all of the posts in this series I won’t tell you to go or to stay but in the case of violence you certainly have to be willing to consider all your options.

I hope this series was helpful.  I’d appreciate whatever feedback or input you’d like to give on the topic.  I’m sure I didn’t think of everything and some of you doubtless have some thoughts that would add a lot of value to men struggling with the decision of going or staying.  Would love to hear from you!

Until next time – Be Well

Bill

Some time ago I wrote a post and an article on E-Zine.com about how relating to an ex was kind of like petting a porcupine . . . you can get close enough to do so without getting hurt but first you have to win their trust; otherwise all you get is quills of defensiveness and loads of pain.  Respect is a crucial piece to building that trust as it let’s the other person know that you take them seriously and will honor what they feel is important. 

Unfortunately respect is easily lost.  Sometimes the loss is the result of something one partner did to the other; an affair, violence, cheating or lying; such acts are demeaning to the other partner, are profoundly painful and demonstrate a lack of concern for their thoughts, feelings and sense of self-worth.  Resolution here can only be found when first the offending partner DEMONSTRATES by both words and actions that they regret their actions and are willing to humble themselves to the other and ask for forgiveness and then, second, the injured partner must genuinely forgive the offender.  Unfortunately many marriages are caught on the rocks of either an insincere apology or an undependable forgiveness.  If you ask for forgiveness and then repeat your offense then obviously you weren’t being sincere and that only compounds, multiplies, the disrespect.  Likewise if you forgive then you must be willing to forget which means you don’t bring up the supposedly forgiven offense each time you get into an argument.  Until both parties are sincere in their regret and their forgiveness the relationship will founder on the rocks of disrespect.

Respect is also sometimes lost by taking your partner for granted in the daily grind of life.  In the hustle and bustle of day to day living this can be incredibly easy to have happen. Because your partner is so much a part of daily life it’s easy to forget how much they contribute to the overall end product of our lives.  Personally I feel that this is one of the leading causes of the infamous “7 year itch” – at that point in time relationships have moved out of the honeymoon period and settled into the monotony of work, sleep, eat.  Lovers start taking each other for granted and start feeling the loss of emotional connection and significance.  This depreciation of the respect you felt in the relationship’s early days leads to dissatisfaction and resentment.  If this is the core issue for your marriage then get back in the habit of letting your spouse know how much you appreciate the things she does . . . and romance her a bit!  You might be surprised by what happens!   On a darker note though this same tendency to take the other for granted is at it’s worst when one partner comes to see the other as merely a means to an end; be it finances, a clean home or regular sex.  This depersonalization of the other is extremely destructive to the healthy respect that a strong marriage is built upon.  If you feel like this is the case in your partnership then you have a tough problem to fix; one that will probably involve some healthy confrontation and counseling to resolve. 

Finally a loss of respect can come in the form of disrespectful and abusive treatment.  Unfortunately, for whatever individual reason, some people grow sour over time.  Maybe they are unhappy with their life in general; maybe it’s something from their childhood, a habit of “stinkin’ thinkin’ or even a personality disorder.  Whatever the reason some people develop a habit of hateful and mean spiritedness in how they relate to others.  This can come in the form of belittling comments, verbal “tongue-lashings”, harshness, criticalness and constant arguing over even the smallest things; in extreme cases it can even lead to physical violence or cruelty.  Often these patterns don’t develop suddenly but slowly over time.  Like the proverbial frog being boiled alive we find ourselves being boiled in the vitriol of our partner’s ill-treatment before we realize there is a problem.  Unfortunately sometimes even after we’ve realized that there is a problem we hesitate to defend ourselves too strongly out of a mistaken idea that it’s better to avoid an argument.  If after some honest self-examination you realize that you are guilty of this kind of mistreatment of your spouse then counseling is probably in order.  Either to gain some better relationship skills or to address whatever is causing the pain inside of you that you are transferring onto others.  If you are the victim of this kind of treatment then to preserve yourself and the marriage both parties are going to need to get into some counseling and you need friends or family who will support you and build you up emotionally where your spouse is tearing you down. 

Respect is a crucial element in any relationship but especially in a marriage.  Nearly every form of the traditional wedding vow includes the injunction to “honor” one another and for good reason.  Without honor or respect the marriage relationship quickly becomes a source of bitterness, regret and anger.  Like everything else there is no perfect marriage and for some that may mean a certain degree of struggle with giving and receiving respect between spouses. Whatever your situation only you can really gauge the degree of the problem and the possibility of a solution.  Hopefully I’ve been able to provide some added grist for the mill as you consider these issues and how to respond.

Be well

Bill

Thought I’d fire off a quick post on a great new site that’s come to my attention – Dinner at Dad’s.  Almost a month ago the blog’s author, David, left a comment on my introduction page asking if I’d have a look at his site.  Well between work, the holidays and a forgetful mind I didn’t manage to do so until this weekend.  Very much my loss. 

As most of our regular readers are aware Russ and I try to provide a recipe now and then on simple to make but good to eat dishes.  Having been divorced for quite some time we’ve both had to learn how to cook or starve (and believe me Russ and I are FAR, FAR, FAR from starvation!!)

Dinner at Dad’s is a great site; the author’s posts are fun to read and give a real personal quality to what could have been a pretty dry topic.  He discusses the typical day to day drama of being a single man raising kiddos (teenage daughters lord bless his soul!).  Along with these David includes some great recipes!

Needless to say I included the site in our links section and heartily suggest taking a look at what he has to offer. 

If anyone else has a site they’d like for Russ or I to review on a topic pertaining to the life and times of divorced “dudes” please let us know and we’d be happy to oblige.

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill

1 – Cream of Broccoli Stump Soup:  The fresh Broccoli that you buy at the store tastes a lot better than the frozen stuff and is much more nutritious to!  But about half of what you buy normally just gets thrown away!  The “stump” of the broccoli isn’t something we normally think of eating yet it’s something we pay for.  Dad got tired of the wasted money and figured out how to make a pretty decent cream soup with these.  I don’t recall the recipe but I know he peeled the stumps and then diced the rest up small and boiled it a while to get it tender.  Makes me think about what other “wasted” food we might look at twice (and NO I don’t recommend Bologna skin soup! ~:?)

2 – Turning the hot water heater off at night . . . I guess there is some debate about how much you save since the heater has to heat up the water again in the morning; but the point here is to think about all of those automatic expenditures of energy and money that we just take for granted.  For instance . . . do we really always HAVE to use the microwave to defrost stuff?  How did they do that before microwaves?  Doesn’t seem like much but over the course of a few months it probably adds up more than we realize.  What about the dryer?  A clothes drying rack costs about 10 dollars new and works just great on socks, underwear and washcloths . . . if you can save running the dryer two or three times a week that’s all money saved.

3 – S.O.S. (i.e. “Stuff” On a Shingle)  for the uninitiated this is hamburger in a white gravy served over toast; real popular back in the day when hamburger was dirt cheap.  It’s actually pretty good if not exactly healthy (ok “not exactly healthy” is a misnomer . . . stuff is a heart attack on a plate!).  You don’t see it much anymore due in large part to the greater health awareness these days and also because it’s definitely not gourmet fare.  But the heart of the matter here is not so much S.O.S. its self but the idea of creating simple, solid, meals from cheap ingredients.  A box of Mac-n-cheese and a half pound of hamburger makes a pretty good meal – maybe even two!

4 – Letting “her” coast in – I recall dad putting the car in neutral when going down a long hill or even turning it off when waiting in traffic. . . and that was back when gas was at the unheard of price  of 40 cents a gallon!  Living in a hilly portion of the country I have to admit that I’ve been known to do the same.  The savings might not be much but over the course of a month I probably save a gallon or two of gas that way and with gas costing 2.50 a gallon that ads up!  Again this underscores a situation awareness of what things are costing you and how you can limit those expenditures.

5 – “This Place is Lit Up Like a Cathedral at Christmas!”  Something similar to what my dad would say whenever he walked into a vacant room with the light on.  It really underscores the whole attitude here.  My dad was CONSTANTLY aware of every watt of energy burned, every wasted morsel of food and every lost ounce of gas; it was a state of constant awareness that we’ve gotten away from as a society. 

As divorced “dudes” many of us are in a pretty vulnerable position as the economy sours and now might just be a great time to learn or re-learn that same state of awareness.  It’s not really about eating broccoli stumps or turning off the water heater – it’s about being AWARE that we are spending money in those small, seemingly unimportant ways.  Hopefully these anecdotes from my childhood have helped spur your thinking along those same lines.

Be Well!

Bill

We’ll also be encouraging each of you to share practical, money saving, advice as well.  Nearly everyone has a trick or two up their sleeve for saving a buck here or there.  Just respond in the comments section with your tip or idea so that everyone else can benefit.  If you send in an especially good, original idea we may even contact you and ask you to elaborate a bit by doing a guest post for us.  The idea here men is to help each other out a bit as we face these tough times.  Even those of us who have been doing the post-divorce thing for a while appreciate the occasional tip in this area and I know there are a lot of men still very new to it or who are really struggling due to a lack of employment and/or large child support and alimony judgments.  For them every dime they can squeeze out of their income is of huge importance! If you’d like you can leave the comment directly or you can send us an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com 

Finally; we’ll work on getting one of these up about every week although we’re going to focus more on quality than on quantity so we may have two on some weeks and none on others.  A lot of that will depend on the amount of input we get from our readers.

I’m excited about this idea and I really believe it has the potential to help all of us make it through these tough economic times in much better shape.

Be well!

Bill

I’ve seen a lot of guys who have gone through a divorce and despite some pretty serious character flaws in their ex-wife haven’t even attempted to fight for custody because not only do they (perhaps rightfully) assume that a judge is going to be biased against a man seeking primary custody of the children.  But they also doubt their own ability to care for and raise their children.  It’s almost as though men automatically take a back seat position to women when it comes to parenting their children.

Well hogwash!  A man can do just as good a job not only raising but nurturing and caring for their children as any woman.  Sure it’s tough; the life of a single parent ain’t no walk in the park buddy!  But if your only reason for not trying to do so is a lack on confidence in your ability to be a loving and nurturing parent – then get over it.

You may not parent like a woman parents; for instance rather than reading them a book as they sit on your lap (although that’s great) you may opt to bond with them by “wrasselin’” on the floor of the living room.  But although it is different it is not worse than a woman’s way.

Think on that as you ponder your relationship with your children.

Next post will be on Thursday when we’ll look at Myth Number IV!

Until then . . . Be Well!

Bill

This this leads us to our second myth which is that divorced men and is associated with the first one.  Simply put it is that men really don’t need close friends to confide in or a support network to lean on.  Somehow we get this idea that we’re supposed to get through things under our own power and that leaning on someone or depending upon the support of another somehow shows weakness.

Probably for the last thirty years people have been pointing out that this just isn’t true – but spend an hour amongst most men (outside of a university or media outlet) and you’ll find that there is still a deep seated reluctance to open up and share or to ask for support or even advice. 

Truth is that men DO need that support but they aren’t like women (big surprise eh!?!) – on average they don’t have a need or a desire to constantly share the inner workings of their soul every time they get together with a couple casual friends.  But they DO have a need for a good friend who they can let down the walls some with and really get real with.  As many of you who’ve read this blog for long are aware Russ and I have been good friends for over thirty years.  And we can and do talk about some serious personal issues with each other.  It’s been quite a help over the years let me tell you!  Just having that other guy to talk to who understands things from a healthy male perspective can be a life saver.

If you are going through a divorce you are going to need someone like that to talk to; it may start out with a counselor or a preacher or a lay leader in your church; it might be a fishing buddy or a neighbor or a co-worker.  Of course you can’t walk up to a near stranger and start unloading the depths of your soul – it has to develop into that.  But the first step is to rid yourself of the myth that men don’t “need” others and that they go it alone.   Because, quite simply, they don’t!

My next post will be on Tuesday when we’ll look at Myth number III

Be Well

Bill

In this post I’d like to present some things to ponder when deciding wither you or your ex-spouse should have primary physical custody.

- First of all notice my assumption that one parent will have primary physical custody.  Some courts will award both parents equal physical and legal custody with the child spending equal time with both.  Let me tell you . . . it may sound great and it would be – if the child was a set of dinnerware or a lawn mower!  But children need stability and stability is very, very difficult to provide when the child is being shuffled back and forth between two homes; so for their sake I would suggest carefully looking at other options first.

-  Children require a lot of time and attention.  Not only do their basic care needs require a time investment (cooking, cleaning, homework, etc . . .) but also in spending quality time with them in order to nourish their emotional development.  Which parent has both the time and the ability to make that investment?  Maybe both of you do – maybe neither.  It’s important to examine that question honestly and frankly and factor that into your final decision.

-  Aside from questions of availability, which parent can better relate to the child and his or her needs.  This doesn’t mean simply that little girls need to be with their mommy and teenage boys need to go with their dad . . . it also has a lot to do with the personality mix between parent and child.

-  How will the child’s life be disrupted?  Sometimes parents forget that children have a complex social world that they belong to outside the family.  Uprooting a teenager from friends and school can be a devastating blow and when it comes along with a divorce can amount to a one/two punch that can have long term emotional and behavioral consequences.  But it isn’t just teenagers that are so affected; even a preschooler who is uprooted from the daycare they’ve been going to since infancy can be strongly effected. 

Probably you’ve already thought of all of these plus a few more; or maybe there is something here that hasn’t occurred to you yet.  Naturally no short article on the web is going to give you everything you need to come to a quality decision on this matter.  The purpose of this post is simply to give men currently facing the issue a few basics to get started.  For those of you who’ve already been through this perhaps you’ve some things to add or suggestions to make; if so please feel free to leave a comment for others to read.

On Thursday we’ll look at some problem areas that commonly come up in custody arrangements and how to prepare for them.

Until then, take care!

Bill