Of course every family is different; some are very supportive while others tend to be more judgmental or distant; also individual members differ in how they view divorce in general and your decision in particular.  But there are some patterns that I’ve noticed tend to come up pretty regularly and those are what I’d like to focus on here.

The first pattern is one of defensiveness not necessarily against you but against the threat that the reality of your decision poses to their convictions and world views.  While divorce does not carry with it the taboos that it once did in our culture there are still many people who disapprove of it in any but the worst circumstances.  Of course only you can say to what degree this applies to you but for some family members your divorce may present them with a real problem.  Why?  Because it moves the whole debate from the abstract into the personal.  While they may disagree with divorce in principle – they can’t help but see the positive effects doing so is having on your life.  It’s easy to get angry or to resent the struggle these family members are having with your personal decision.  But my suggestion is to just not challenge the matter head on.  Give them time to adjust.  It may turn out that your divorce will be something that they eventually accept or it may be that you’ll just have to learn to avoid the topic with them.  Either way the relationship will probably change somewhat.

The second pattern is also one of defensiveness but rather than centering around an abstract belief it strikes much closer to home for the other party; it basically revolves around a perceived threat to their own marriage.  I really think that for some people divorce must seem like a horrible and contagious disease that can be spread from one person to another.  There is often a tendency to shun someone as soon as they’ve announced that they’re getting a divorce.  I think this is especially true towards men – women I think tend to be more supportive of a fellow woman who is divorcing while men going through the same thing are to be avoided lest they encourage other men to do the same.  Within a family this can be seen as other members of the family who are perhaps dealing with some marital problems as well attempt to put distance between them and you.  Again this can be very difficult to deal with – we naturally want the support of our family and feeling that we’re being shunned can be incredibly discouraging and frustrating.  All I can suggest is to know that it’s a reality of human nature and try to focus on the family relationships that are stronger rather than attempting to force those who seem to need some distance.

A third, common, pattern in the reactions of families towards divorce is a tendency to take sides.  Seems to happen very frequently that as soon as the divorce is announced that family members begin to take positions on the matter.  That’s a normal human reaction of course and should be expected; but, unfortunately, our family does not always take our side on the matter.  You can expect that some of your family may feel that your ex-wife is being treated unfairly or that your mistakes in the marriage are largely to blame.  A lack of information in these matters rarely stops people from forming opinions or feeling that they are experts.  How you handle this depends largely on the culture of your family (not their ethnic culture but simply the habits or “way” your family deals with conflict).  Sitting everyone down and explaining very clearly why the divorce is happening may help but it could turn out that you just have to accept the fact that for now they aren’t going to be on your side and put some safe emotional distance between you and them.

Contrarily; there is also a pattern to react almost to the opposite extreme and take such a vitriolic and negative attitude against your ex that it can cause problems for your children.  It’s hard sometimes for family to remember that even through your ex-wife may have treated you very poorly that she is still the mother of your children and that they love her.  Hearing disparaging comments about their mother from aunts, uncles and grandparents not only hurts and confuses your children – it can make the whole divorce process even harder for them.  I will say that this is even true of second marriages in which it is the step-mother whom you are divorcing.  While the relationship between children and step-parents can be difficult there is still, very often, a connection that develops there and the negative attitude of extended family towards her needs to be tempered around the kids.  Sometimes the only way to deal with this is a direct, head-on, approach in which you explain how these comments should NOT be shared with your children.  Sometimes people act without thinking and just need to have things spelled out.

Finally, you may notice an element of sympathy creep into your relationships with family members.  This can be expressed in treating you with kid gloves, a hesitation to talk about the ex or the marriage (even in past tense), or bringing over lots of meals or offering to help with housework.  Of course this is often just the great and good support that families provide each other in tough times and shouldn’t be seen as a problem.  But it can also be taken to extremes or begin to put you into a role as somehow extra fragile or needy.  My advice is to accept their care-giving but look for ways to return the favor.  If your sister offers to help you with some housework – fine, but then offer to change her oil or do some yard work in return (for example).  If you notice that hesitation to discuss the past with your ex then occasionally bring it up yourself in conversation – if they see that you are comfortable with it then they will be as well.

In short – with all of these responses and reactions by family the underlying principle often at work is a lack of understanding – remember that divorce – especially YOUR divorce is often a new experience for them and they are fumbling their way through it just like you probably are.  Open, honest communication, patience and time are the best way to deal with these things as well as an occasional dose of maintaining healthy boundaries.

Hope this helps!

Be well

Bill