I know this post’s heading is somewhat late considering Halloween is past us already (sorry, I’ve been swamped lately) but nevertheless the day caused me to think regarding our mutual topic.

Zombie

Zombie movies have experienced a resurgence in popularity recently and it got me to thinking (don’t you just hate when that happens?) how so many men (I could say people in general but our focus is on you guys) become zombies in their marriages.

For whatever the reason, perhaps due to stress or difficulties in the marriage or with the children or on the job or with finances (the “reasons” could be endless, it really doesn’t matter) many of us elect to retreat from our wives and children. Oh, it may start small and seemingly innocuous, “I’m just going down to the bar to have a beer with my friends.” or “I really need to do some work in the garage.” to “I’m going over to Al’s to watch the game.” But they grow or repeat until we end up spending more and more time doing these activities then we do spending time with our wife and children.

It is so EASY to retreat from a difficult situation. And it is often easy to deceive yourself about your real motivations about what your doing, “I’m not running away from the problem, I’m just going to work on the car. It really needs a windshield washer fluid changed right now.” Or “Hey, it’s not going anywhere. So what if I spend the weekend with my pals tailgating and no time at home?”

DON’T!!! JUST DON’T!!! DON’T RETREAT, MAKE YOURSELF ENGAGE WITH YOUR WIFE AND WITH YOUR FAMILY!!! Spend time building those relationships and those memories. When the end of life comes near few of us will fondly look back and remember all the carburetors we fixed or games we watched but, hopefully, we will be able to look back and happily remember the times we had with those we hold dear because we chose not to retreat to the garage or the bathroom or our buddies house.

Just a thought,

Russ

Sadly that’s about to come to an end.  My boy let me know a few weeks ago that he’s moving out to pursue his dreams and ambitions and begin building his own life as well.  I am just as proud of him as I am of the other two and I’m confident that he’ll do well.  But, to be honest, it’s going to be a transition for me.  To go from a house full to a house empty will be a big change.  It will also be a big transition in the nature of the relationship between he and I . . . and while that’s a good and healthy thing – it is still something of a loss.  A loss of my little boy; and a challenge in renegotiating a relationship with a young and newly independent man.

As usual I’m writing this post not as an expert but as a fellow traveler – Not as a navigator but as someone sharing common experiences with fellow divorced and/or single men and fathers.  So; as I deal with this upcoming event in my own life I’d like to share with you what I am finding helpful in preparing for it:

First of all I’m biting my tongue and resisting with all the power that is in me the temptation to load him down with advice.  Don’t misunderstand me . . . I definitely TRIED!  but he made it pretty clear in the glazed over look in his eyes and his body language that he really wasn’t listening.  Guess I can’t take it too hard . . . I certainly never listened to my dad when I was his age! lol!  It’s frustrating to be sure, but there’s no sense in my preaching to him if he’s not going to listen.  Instead I’ve changed tactics and am trying to just listen to him and his plans/dreams/schemes and provide input as he asks for it (which strangely enough has been happen more since I was trying to force it on him! hmmmm)

Second; he’s been feeling pretty overwhelmed with all of the stuff he has to get done before he launches out on his own, so I’ve been giving him as much space as I can, just offering to help without pushing myself on him.   

Third; I’ve been considering some major home remodeling/reorganization for once he’s out of the house.  No, don’t be fooled, it’s not just because FINALLY I’ve the house to MYSELF . . . actually it has more to do with just keeping my mind occupied on something other than his impending move.  I also figure it’ll be good for me to have something to focus my energy on once he’s moved out.  You can only watch so many movies or read so many books before the walls start closing in, know what I mean?

Anyway – that’s how I’ve been preparing/dealing with the impending “empty nest”.  Anyone else out there have any hints, suggestions, advice?  I’d love to hear from some of you who have been through this yourself.

Until then take care and Be Well!

Bill

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been reading William Bennett’s Moral Compass lately.  I have a pretty stressful and intense job so I’ve been taking my lunch breaks as a chance to re-group and relax for a bit.  I just close the door, pull the Moral Compass off it’s shelf and enjoy reading a few pages while I eat.  The book is really wonderfully suited for that purpose since it’s mainly a collection of sayings, poems, short stories and such.  So far I’m still in the first section which is geared towards the moral instruction of children.  There is some REALLY great stuff in here!  And as I’ve read it I’ve seen two powerful applications for divorced men:

The first application is pretty direct; it’s a good source of inspiration and material for any father who cares about imparting a solid moral compass to his children.  As I’ve worked my way through it I’ve thought back to the time when my children were young and the things I did (or didn’t do) to instill the basic core values of our society into them. 

For those of us who are divorced the responsibility and opportunity to teach our children   positive values and the importance of a good moral character are made a bit more difficult.  The amount of available quality time, conflicting messages from their other parent and the general influence of a very materialistic society can make it seem like a constant up-hill battle.  While a lot of the stories or poems are pretty old they each contain a nugget or two of solid wisdom that are never out dated.  If your kiddos are young most of it is great material for bedtime stories – if they are older it gives some useful analogies that you can weave into your conversations with them (see my earlier post “Scars” ( http://dudesndivorce.com/2009/06/13/scars/  ). 

The second application is a bit more subtle; Lets face it – our society makes so much “noise” that sometimes it’s hard to even think.  We are assaulted day in and day out by such a withering barrage of ambiguity, situational ethics, self-centeredness and materialism that it’s easy to get out of touch with our own moral compass.  I’ve found it very affirming and satisfying to go back to the “lessons of my youth” and read or re-read stories that reinforce and amplify the direction of my own, internal Moral Compass.  While it’s been some time since I last went through a divorce I know very well how chaotic that process is and how often you are confronted with difficult moral and ethical choices;  I can’t help but think how refreshing it would be to read some of this material when going through that.

I found my copy in a flea market and paid $6 for it; probably any decent used book store would have a copy laying around for about the same.  I looked it up at Amazon and they have it starting even cheaper than the $6 I paid for it . . . I went ahead and put that up on our Amazon widget in case anyone is interested.

All in all a very good and useful book . . . can’t wait to continue reading it and letting you all know what I find!

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill

 One of the challenges I faced as single parent was in being distracted by all the busyness from spending quality time with my children .  When you’ve a house to clean, meals to cook, a job to keep and bills to pay (not to mention squabbles with the ex!) it is sometimes easy to go through the day and miss spending quality, fun, time with them.  While this is always important to do as a parent it is ESPECIALLY important for single parent households.  Divorce takes a toll on children and they need a parent who is really there for them.  Quality time tells them they are important and loved.  For me this has been a process like everything else with ups and downs along the way; but here’s a list of ten things we did that I feel helped the kids and I connect. 

1.         Afternoon trips to the park or the lake:  Sometimes we’d pack a lunch or some snacks (really fun if you let THEM fix the lunch!! ~:?) and just drive out to one of our local lakes or to the city park.  The lake was always fun in the summer b/c you can go swimming or fishing or collect neat rocks (or bugs).  Quite often we’d take trash bags with us and clean up a section of shoreline.  Not only did we do something together it also taught them some good lessons on environmental responsibility . . . my children are pretty much grown and none of them are litterbugs! 

2.         Bowling: this is a great activity!  The kids and I made a weekly routine out of a trip to the bowling alley.  We’d go pay bills, do our shopping and take a trip to the bowling alley where we’d bowl a couple games or play some video arcade games.  It was fun, fairly cheap and there is enough of a challenge at all ages to keep it fun.

3.         “Shoot Out”: everyone gets a Nerf gun or something similar that shoots a soft, non-injurious, projectile and then let the games begin!!  Make sure you put up the breakables first of course but this is a real hoot.  Kids especially love it when they manage to nail dad and he does the overly dramatic final death scene.  (of course my three year old always liked to body slam me in the middle of my soliloquy! ~:?) 

4.         A regular T.V. show:  every Saturday night for YEARS the kids and I sat down to a fun dinner in front of the T.V. and watched that week’s edition of COPS.  One of my reasons for selecting that show was that it very clearly shows the consequences of criminal behavior.  There was/is a lot of action and for the most part it is pretty clean.  Now I’m not suggesting everyone adopt that particular show but spending an hour together as a routine watching one special program is great for family unity.

5.         Dinner at the table:  yeah I know I just mentioned dinner in front of the TV but in general as the children were growing up we ate our meals together at the table.  It was a time to talk and visit and discuss important “stuff”.  It is too easy to get in the habit of eating in front of the TV but that really robs you and your children of some time to visit. 

6.         Reading to them or listening to them read:  excellent for brain development, reading skills and close one on one time.

7.         Coloring or drawing: especially if the kids are young – a big piece of blank newsprint or some coloring books, some crayons and just lay on the floor (don’t be afraid to color outside the lines!).   

8.         Cooking together:  having the kiddos help in the kitchen can be great family time and you might just be surprised how much help they can be!  You have to be careful naturally about hot surfaces and knives but as they grow you can have them doing age appropriate things like cracking eggs, measuring, stirring sauces, setting the table etc . . ..  It’s a good family activity that develops an important skill set as well.

9.         Attend church together:  while maybe this is not for everyone if you are so inclined I feel like this is a very important facet of building family unity.  Talking about Sunday School lessons or the subject of the sermon provides an excellent venue for moral instruction and it touches on something deeply meaningful that we can share with our children.  I have often been absolutely amazed by an insightful comment that one of the children made in response to a Sunday school lesson. 

10.       Just talk WITH them.  It is so easy as a single parent to forget to take even a minute or two to connect with our children as persons.  We often talk TO them “go do that”, “You need to do this”, “Quit doing the other” . . . but what builds that quality relationship with them is taking time to talk WITH them, asking questions and then really listening to the answers; engaging them fully in a two-way conversation.

You’ll notice that conspicuous in it’s absence is any mention of soccer games, band meets or other organized events.  Such things are important and I’ve no problem with them but they don’t do much to build a relationship with your child.  If all your time with your child is spent doing this sort of stuff maybe it’s time to re-examine your schedule. 

It’s not always easy and you are never as good at doing it as you’d like to be but taking the time to take time with your children as a single dad is incredibly important for both you and them and can be the key to their making it through the difficulties of the divorce.

If you’ve other activities that you’d like to share please leave a comment.  If you’d like to share with someone else feel free!  Just credit dudesndivorce.com.

Thanks

Bill