To start off I can’t emphasize enough how important to a divorced dude true friends are.  Family is great, kids are great, girl-friends are great all in their respective ways – but a small handful of close friends are really invaluable.  This constitutes one of those relative changes; while friends are of middle importance to a married man they are of MUCH greater import to a divorced one.  Why? because they provide a sense of normalcy, perspective, support and stress relief; let’s look at those individually:

Normalcy:   After a divorce your life makes some big changes.  You are no longer a married man and you find your place and role in the world deeply different than it was just a few short months before.  It’s easy to feel a little isolated and to wonder if the things you’re feeling and the challenges you’re facing are normal.  That’s where and when a few friends who are also divorced can really be a god-send!  I recall when I first went through a divorce and became a single parent that I had the very good fortune of making a few friends who were also divorced, single parents.  Can’t tell you how many times they helped me realize that they had also been though the same things I was facing and that I could make it through just like they had.  This is part of the reason Russ and I started dudesndivorce.com  – to help men feel a little less isolated out there in divorce-land.   This is critical for divorced men and something that can be best provided by a few close friends; especially male friends.  Guys have a way of telling it to you straight and letting you know when you’re drifting off base.

Perspective:  As many of you are only too aware the process of a divorce and the difficulties of dealing with your ex afterwards can become darn near all-consuming.  Eventually things settle down but for the first couple years life seems to center around custody, court, child support/alimony and negotiating visitation.  It’s really hard to keep your sense of perspective through all of that!  Seems as if your world is revolving around every phone conversation, every contact and every payment.  You can find yourself constantly looking for hidden meanings and suspecting hidden motives behind everything your ex-spouse says and does.  During that time it’s great to have a friend who’s been through that already and who can listen while you vent your frustrations and maybe help you take a step back now and then to take a broader view of the situation.  In fact, that function of friendship doesn’t cease being important after the initial phase passes on – I think it remains important throughout your life.  I’ve been divorced a long time now but every now and then Russ says something that helps me see that I’ve lost some perspective along the way.  When you are married your spouse normally provides that outside perspective and balancing function – but once divorced we have to depend a bit more on others in our life and a good friend is a pretty decent stand-in – at least in this regard.

Support:  You know support is one of those things that some men won’t admit a need for beyond a jock strap.  Something about the male persona causes many of us to deny the need for an outside source of emotional energy and support.  Not sure why that is but it is true none-the-less.  Now I don’t suggest that we all need a friend to hold our hand or carry us through every crisis.  But I will maintain that even the strongest amongst us need to have someone they can turn to now and then for some encouragement and a listening ear.  Divorce is HARD! It’ll suck every ounce of emotional energy out of you in no time flat.  You often feel like there’s no way to win, that you are being put through an industrial strength wood chipper and that all your options are shot.  Ex-wives know all of our emotional buttons and delight in pushing them repeatedly; finances are shot ta heck, kids are acting up or telling you they hate you . . . yeah . . . FUN TIMES!!!  When life gets that crazy there is just no way that any human being can go it alone for long without going bonkers or turning to a friend.  Even if it’s just getting together for dinner and a game or two of bowling or to watch a game – having the company of someone who isn’t piling more stress on you and who might actually be interested in hearing you unload some of your own is priceless.  That’s not something that only applies during the time immediately before and after a divorce.  The need for the support of a friend remains important long after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.

Stress Relief:  One of the things I always know I can count on from Russ is that he and I can get each other laughing in all but the absolutely worse times.  Can’t tell you how often I’ve called him up when I was in the middle of a crisis and before the call was done we were cracking each other up.  We can also have a great conversation about movies, football, food, politics and just the crazy day to day stuff that happens to us all.  Maybe that doesn’t sound like much but believe me it is one of the things I value most about my friendship with Russ.  Divorce in particular and life in general can really build up the stress levels till you think you’re going to scream!  Be it some idiot at work, problems with the car or a huge and unexpected bill – there’s always something putting on the pressure.  That’s why I value the resource I have in a great friend like Russ – someone I can call up and tell about the moron at the office and who will empathize with his signature statement “some people’s children!”  Now I agree that it takes time to build and develop a friendship like that – Russ and I have been working on it for over 30 years now!  But even a fairly new friend is usually good for sharing some laughs with and that is a very important (and often under appreciated) contribution that friends can make to our lives.

Having said all this great stuff about friendships I can imagine that there are some men out there who find themselves currently without any close friends.  It’s not unusual for men to focus so much energy on work and family that they never take the time to develop outside friendships; so when a divorce happens they are pretty much left isolated.  Well gentlemen – it’s never too late to start!  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts it’s a good idea after a divorce to get involved in some social activities; church, clubs, civic organizations . . . not only are they great ways to start rebuilding your life they are rich sources of potential friends as well.  Start attending and don’t be afraid to take the initiative to start a conversation.  That’s how most friendships start.

Next post we’ll focus on the relationships we have with our children and how those change with a divorce and how to make that change easier and healthier for everyone.

Until then – Be Well!

Bill

Last night I got together with one of my pals from work whom I haven’t been able to see in quite some time.  As the evening and the conversation wore on eventually we reached a point or topic in which I made a comment, my intent being to enlighten my friend on a particular subject. He, being a good friend, received it well, but (also because he was a good friend) choose to take that moment to enlighten me on how I spoke or rather presented my idea to him. He said, even though he knew it was not my intent, that I have a tendency to come across harsh. Perhaps it was all those years as a military briefer! You’ve got to condense everything you want to say into short bullet statements and delivery them with authority or you won’t be believed.

Nevertheless, I took his words to heart and asked him to elaborate some more. He did. He didn’t us it as an opportunity to chop me down. Rather he could tell  I was seriously and honestly wanting answers and wanting to improve this blind spot in my behavior. I was, and am, grateful to him.  I prefer to take the attitude that I always need to improve on something and that as much self evaluating as I do in attempting to do just that, I still have blind spots that I need other people who care about me and also want me to improve (want the best for me) to point out to me. So I find it is best to not get defensive (“I am NOT!!!”), but rather take an open and learning mind to the situation. Listen and learn.

Of course, the disclaimer here is that I am listening to people who care about me and also want me to improve and want the best for me. I’m not going to let myself be manipulated that would want to use my desire to improve just to  ”get” something out of me. I certainly try to keep my eyes and ears open for them.

Just wanted to share. Always keep learning, always keep moving forward.

Remember that old saying, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

Russ

Friends also provide each other with honest feedback and accountability.  Parents may ease those blows with children and spouses may either try to avoid those blows or become so frustrated that they hit too hard.  But a true friend knows you very well, knows how much you can take and isn’t afraid to give it to you.  If you do something stupid it is usually your best friend who is the first to sit you down, look you in the eye and gently tell you that you’re acting like a moron!  They know your strengths and they know your weaknesses and they love you enough to hold you accountable.

For the divorced man there is a very great need for such a friend.  In fact friendship is sometimes the one thing that helps a man going through a divorce make it through with his sanity intact.  I’ve noticed though that some of us tend to put up walls when we are faced with hard times; we don’t want to burden our friends or do something that will cause them to think us weak.  Well men, if they can’t understand what you are going through then screw ‘em!  If they are so hung up on some unrealistic concept of “manliness” that involves never needing the support of a friend – well they aren’t going to be much use in the real world.  And if maybe that is YOUR perspective . . . well dude – time to wake up!  Divorces will tear you up and spit you out no matter who you are – Rambo or PeeWee Herman!  So if you have a friend who seems to be supportive and understanding then invest yourself a bit in that friendship.  You don’t have to sit around together drinking coffee and wringing your hands; but give yourself permission to just be real. 

I’m in my late 40’s and Russ and I have been friends since the end of our Sophomore year in high school, lo these many long and weary ages ago.  During that time we’ve both been through some pretty heavy crap, we’ve each screwed up a few times and we’ve each had to make some very tough choices about the way our lives would go.  I’m glad to be able to say that we’ve been there for each other through it all.  We don’t always see eye to eye but we share a basic respect for each other, we understand each other very well and we have confidence in the fact that the other is “there” for us – no matter where “there” happens to be.

Until next time . . . Be Well!

Bill

This this leads us to our second myth which is that divorced men and is associated with the first one.  Simply put it is that men really don’t need close friends to confide in or a support network to lean on.  Somehow we get this idea that we’re supposed to get through things under our own power and that leaning on someone or depending upon the support of another somehow shows weakness.

Probably for the last thirty years people have been pointing out that this just isn’t true – but spend an hour amongst most men (outside of a university or media outlet) and you’ll find that there is still a deep seated reluctance to open up and share or to ask for support or even advice. 

Truth is that men DO need that support but they aren’t like women (big surprise eh!?!) – on average they don’t have a need or a desire to constantly share the inner workings of their soul every time they get together with a couple casual friends.  But they DO have a need for a good friend who they can let down the walls some with and really get real with.  As many of you who’ve read this blog for long are aware Russ and I have been good friends for over thirty years.  And we can and do talk about some serious personal issues with each other.  It’s been quite a help over the years let me tell you!  Just having that other guy to talk to who understands things from a healthy male perspective can be a life saver.

If you are going through a divorce you are going to need someone like that to talk to; it may start out with a counselor or a preacher or a lay leader in your church; it might be a fishing buddy or a neighbor or a co-worker.  Of course you can’t walk up to a near stranger and start unloading the depths of your soul – it has to develop into that.  But the first step is to rid yourself of the myth that men don’t “need” others and that they go it alone.   Because, quite simply, they don’t!

My next post will be on Tuesday when we’ll look at Myth number III

Be Well

Bill

Russ ended his last post with the request for anyone reading to leave a comment acknowledging that friend in their life.  I think that’s a great idea and I’ll continue the challenge by asking this question:  When you first realized that you would be facing a divorce who was the first person you thought to confide in?

Look forward to hearing every-one’s responses

Bill