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As we continue this series about making the decision to remain in your marriage or leave it; the next factor we need to give some thought revolves around trust.   In my opinion trust is perhaps THE critical foundation upon which all relationships are built.  You can have commitment, you can have communication and you can have love – but if you don’t have a deep and abiding trust in each other the rest really doesn’t matter. 

Distrust in a relationship is kind of like rust on a bridge’s spans.  It is corrosive and weakens the strength of the overall structure.  It’s also hard to repair and is made worse with even the smallest “rain” or trust destroying act.  Also, and most importantly, it reduces the relationship’s ability to deal with the added load of a crisis just like rust destroys the bridges ability to handle a large and heavy truck, so that when put under that stress the bridge (or the marriage) can fail catastrophically. 

For a man debating with himself whether to stay or to go the question of trust becomes vital.  How much trust is left in the relationship?  What destroyed that trust and can it be rebuilt? How long has the lack of trust been growing?  If your marriage still retains a goodly amount of basic trust then no matter what the problems are you have something to work with as you try to resolve them.  I guess Trust equals hope in this regard.  On the other hand without any appreciable trust nearly every problem becomes ten times more difficult to resolve.

As you weigh the question of trying to remain in the relationship and resolve it’s problems or calling it quits and trying to rescue whatever can be saved from the ruins it might be wise to consider first and foremost just how much trust yet remains between you and your spouse.  Unfortunately there is no Trust-O-Meter available at your local department store and I’ve never been able to find a breeder for Trust Dogs that can sniff out trust like some do for narcotics.  Good news is that you really don’t need these . . . just sit yourself down and really think about how much you really trust your spouse; only some serious contemplation and brutal self-honesty can answer that question. 

So how much DO you trust her?  If very little then what has she done that has destroyed your trust?  Was it a one time betrayal (such as an affair) or is it a chronic lack of concern for your needs or feelings?  It might also be a chronic problem with alcohol, substance abuse, gambling, excessive spending or just a plain failure to meet the reasonable expectations of one spouse to another in running a house and building a family.  All of those problems can be resolved – some much more easily than others – but being very aware of the balance in your “trust bank” ahead of time is invaluable in determining if you have “sufficient funds” to see the process through to it’s end.

As with the other posts in this series this isn’t meant to provide answers – only bring your attention to factors to consider as you make this most difficult of decisions

Be Well

Bill

I’m going to start out this post by being very up-front with all of you; I am under a lot of stress.  Yes, I know, we all are but recently my stress level has really skyrocketed.  Some of it has to do with things in the workplace, some of it has to do with changes and challenges in my personal life and some of it amounts to a habit of thought I got into while I was down with the flu a few weeks ago.  You’ve probably noticed that there haven’t been too many posts from me lately and for that I apologize but the creative juices have just dried up and it’s been very difficult to compose something new for quite some time.

Well this weekend I accidently found myself with some free time; some plans I’d made fell through and I was left with a couple days “plan-free”.   Now Russ likes to insist that I am a Type “A” personality to which I respond that I will gladly work longer and harder than anyone else to prove him wrong!  But I DO have a slight tendency to put more on my plate that I should and so it was tempting to do the same with all that free time I stumbled into this weekend.   But on Saturday night as I was raking up the last of the leaves in the yard I took a moment to just stop and “be still”.  The sunset was beautiful in the cool Fall evening and the smell of the leaves and wood smoke from someone’s chimney combined into that special scent that only Autumn brings.  My rooster crowed his hens to roost and way off at the bottom of the hill I could just make out the sound of the creek water spilling over the stones.   Everything was peaceful and quite and calming and reminded me how much I love living in the country.

I guess that moment of peace touched off a deeper change in my perspective for the rest of the weekend as I found myself stopping more to enjoy the world around me.  I guess I just really took the time to APPRECIATE all the blessings in my life.  Not just my place in the country but my kids, my friends and my extended family.  It’s amazing how simple that sounds and yet how profoundly it affected my stress levels!  I found that I wasn’t worrying about undone projects at work, about bills or situations in my personal life.  A Man just can not appreciate the goodness in his life and be stressed out at the same time . . . it’s just impossible!

It is so easy to get wrapped up in worry and caught up in deadlines and projects and to-do lists but while many of those things are important they aren’t worth the damage to your health or the lost pleasure in your life that such stress can and does bring with it.  Not to say we all need to just sit back in a lotus position and meditate on the abstract . . . a little stress is good and healthy since it motivates us to get done what needs doing.  But – if your like me – it’s important to remember to take the time to enjoy life and adopt an attitude of appreciation for the goodness and pleasure in your life.

As divorced dudes I think this lesson is especially valuable as most men going through a divorce are dealing with more stress than probably any other time.

Worth a thought anyway

Be well

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

This morning I woke up thinking about parasites, yeah, what a cheerful thought, huh? But I wasn’t thinking about your everyday parasites like leaches and ticks (well, not necessarily I suppose) rather those kind of people whether they are individuals or groups that have a tendency to attach themselves to others when their “chips are down”. At first they may present themselves as being concerned for you and your welfare or even some other mutual good cause but in the end you find they are just looking out for themselves. Naturally as you go through a divorce and for a time thereafter you are vulnerable to these types of people. You may or may not be approached by them and you may or may not succumb to their deceptions.

I think my point here is two fold; One to remind you that those people are out there and; Two to also remind you that even if you do succumb to their deceptions for awhile, don’t be too hard on yourself. Ok, you made a mistake, sure. But they hunted you down with skill and precision like a big game hunter hunting prey. They found you when you were most likely to be deceived and they  proceeded to do so to you. as I’ve been told on so many other matters, “You’ve got to learn to forgive yourself.” I think that is good advice. And may be a good place to start if you find yourself in this type of situation.

See ya later,

Russ

Ok – here’s the deal on sex after divorce as I see it.  Yes physical intimacy is great stuff and yes it’s true that often after a divorce a person feels very lonely and isolated – sex seems like a wonderful answer to that deep loneliness.  But the way that I see it – sex isn’t simply a physical act – like brushing your teeth or vacuuming the rug.  There is an emotional component to it as well.  Naturally that’s part of why it’s such a wonderful experience – because there is an emotional need met as well as a physical one.  If the same were true of tooth brushing then dentist would all be out of work!   But because of that emotional component the cost can be pretty high if you are still emotionally fragile from your divorce.  Only you can know.

For those of you who are thinking they could do without the complications, worries and potential hurts of a physically intimate relationship right now – that is a great personal insight and responsible decision.  BUT – how do we keep with that choice?  You and I both know that when it comes to sex the mind is often ready to abstain but the flesh . . . eh not so much! 

So here are some “tricks” that I’ve found helpful over the years:

1 –  As I’ve mentioned in other posts I am a big believer that where your focus is – there you are.  It’s the things that we think about, dwell upon and place our focus on that influence how we act and believe.  The same is true of sex.  If you say that you want to abstain but then spend every spare moment entertaining thoughts on the matter . . . well I’m not bettin’ the farm on your ability to achieve your goal.  It takes a lot of mental discipline but work on building the habit of refocusing your attention elsewhere when those thoughts start.  You can just consciously decide to think about something else; takes some time but it can be mastered with practice.  My favorite trick is to distract myself with something I enjoy doing – for instance I enjoy gardening . . . so when those thoughts start in I just shake my head (the slight disorientation of shaking your head “no”  helps disrupt the thought process) and start planning my garden for next spring or making a to-do list for things I need to do in my garden.  This will work for any hobby.

2 – Stay away from porn.  It’s everywhere now and with the internet you can access just about anything imaginable.  But once again – where is your focus?  I’m thinking that if you are watching a porn clip that you probably aren’t thinking about gardening!  Porn also tends to make women into objects – it depersonalizes them and present a very skewed and sick perspective on male/female relations.  While you may understand that intellectually, prolonged exposure to porn will start to impact your perceptions and habits of thought towards women.  Not a good way to heal emotionally or to prepare yourself for one day having a healthy relationship.

3 – Don’t put yourself in situations that might present opportunity for failure.  In other words don’t let your friends talk you into going to a singles bar or a strip club or some other “target rich” environment.  In fact it doesn’t even have to be somewhere as dark as those – Singles Groups in churches can be pretty dangerous as well! (believe it or not).  Doesn’t mean you have to nail your door shut from the inside and become a recluse . . . we all need social interaction and denying yourself of that can be just as problematic . . . but aim at things like civic organizations, hobby clubs, book clubs, church activities . . . things without a predominately single female demographic.  In fact those kinds of activities can help reduce the feeling of loneliness and focus more of your attention on hobbies or outside activities – good medicine!

4 – Accountability!  Find someone who will hold you accountable and to whom you can go when times get rough.  A friend, pastor, counselor, brother . . . someone who you can call when sorely tempted.  Being able to process and vent these things with another guy is very helpful.  Someone who really understands the problems of being a single/divorced man is best.  You don’t want someone whose going to pound you on the back and say “Attaboy!” if you fail – nor – someone who’ll deck you with a 73 pound King James Reference Bible.   Sometimes that can be harder to find than you might believe.

5 – Finally – and probably most importantly -  for any of this to work you have to re-invent how you perceive yourself.  You have to be able to know yourself as a man you abstains from sex (at least for now) and you have to be proud of that part of your character.  Best example I can give is from an experience of my own.  Many years ago I was a smoker – smoked a pack of Pall Mall’s a day – eventually I made the decision to quit and stuck with it.  Part of what helped me do that is I started to SEE myself and THINK of myself as a non-smoker!  I’ll be honest – even today almost 20 years later – I have moments in which I would REALLY like a smoke!  But I don’t because I’m not a smoker!  To be successful at this decision to refrain from sex you are going to need to SEE yourself and THINK of yourself in those terms.  Now hopefully it won’t be twenty years of abstention – eventually you’ll recover and heal and be ready to have an emotionally healthy and physically intimate relationship again.  But that day will come quicker if you abstain than otherwise – and the tricks I mentioned above should help you in doing that.

I hope this was of help.

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill

Welcome dudesndivorce.com readers!

I have a friend who went through a divorce about the same time as I did. Let’s call him Ted. Ted also was married a long time, over 20 years.

I watched and listened to Ted through his divorce and afterwards. While he may never come out and say it, I think it really tore him up. He was down for quite some time. Seeing other couples together, even though he would say he was happy for them, would make him more than a little melancholy. In the immediate aftermath of his divorce he would often say he simply did not feel any attraction to another woman at that time or rather a desire for another relationship right away. I just told him, “Really, that’s ok. You probably need time to heal right now. Maybe it wouldn’t be so good for you right now.”

As time went by, we would repeat this conversation but Ted would add that he was beginning to get concerned about himself in that those feelings for another woman, i.e. a relationship, weren’t returning. I just kept encouraging him and reminding him that he experienced a lot of pain and the more pain you experience the more time you need to heal.

Finally, after many many long months, Ted finally came to the point where he just looked at me and said, “You know, I think meeting a lady would be good. I think I’m ready.” It was a couple years or more between those two events and, yes, those were two hard years for Ted but he got past them. He got through them. Has he found a lady yet? No. But that is not the point of this post, the point is even men can suffer pain and suffering from a divorce and need time to heal before moving on with another relationship. It is best to acknowledge that and let that healing take place. Then you can move ahead with a more healthy you. A more positive you. A more ready you.

Just a little something to think about. See ya later,

Russ

First of all I want to start with a brief apology – My internet service has been down at home and so I’ve been unable to make my posts on time; hopefully that problem will be resolved soon.  Okay now on to the post. . . ..

As we discussed in Saturday’s post; just like many pieces make up a whole jigsaw puzzle, so we are each comprised of many different pieces that make up our whole person. A divorce is essentially the removal of one of those pieces from your life which is never an easy thing.  We also talked about how an unhealthy marriage relationship can basically taint many of the other pieces of our life such as our relationships with our children and that after the divorce it is necessary to take steps to renew those other pieces and rid them of the negative effects of that unhealthy marriage.

I think we all agree that recovery and renewal are good things, even necessary things . . . but why then is it that we’re so often hesitant to take steps in that direction?  I’d say probably the biggest cause is a fear of change.  There are plenty of reasons why we distrust and avoid change but probably one of the biggest has to do with a sense of safety.

We tend to feel more secure dealing with a known quality than stepping out into new territory.  Let’s look at relationships for example; imagine you are in a relationship with someone in which there is a pattern or a custom so to speak of always avoiding direct confrontation.  Whenever there is a problem the two of you dance around it, ignore it and avoid resolving it.  Obviously that’s a relationship in need of some healthy change; yet you’ll find that most people in that situation will avoid making the needed changes for years and years until things get so bad that it becomes a crisis.  As a very wise man told me years ago – “the greatest motivation for change is pain.” (now THAT’S a T-SHIRT!!) Why is that?  Why all the hesitation and avoidance to resolve what is probably not an insurmountable problem?  Well – we know the rules!  We know how to act, what to expect, what to do in that relationship when there is conflict – it may not work great but it is comfortable.  If we take steps to make a change . . . well ANYTHING could happen!!  We don’t know what the new rules will be, how the other person will react, what to expect . . . and that isn’t very comfortable now is it?

The relationship above is just one example of how we dislike the threat of change to our safety and security (and comfort) and therefore try to avoid it until things get so bad that we can’t do otherwise.  As a result we also loose out on the opportunity to renew our lives and our relationships into something much healthier.  When you are coming out of a divorce you are in a unique time of opportunity in your life.  You’ve faced your fear of change and already made a big adjustment that has had a trickle down effect on many, many other areas of your life.  You’ve essentially reinvented yourself almost by default!  The opportunity then is right there in front of you to continue to conquer that fear of change, to keep up that inertia of reinvention.  Take the time to examine closely each facet of your life, each piece of your self-puzzle and identify what needs a dose of healthy change.  Are there some old patterns in your relationships with your kids that need changing?  Are you happy in your career?  Want to go back to school?  Learn a new skill?  Take up a new hobby?  NOW is the time to reinvent and renew yourself! 

What if it’s been several years since your divorce and you never really made those changes at that time . . .maybe you find yourself back in a comfortable if not entirely healthy and satisfying rut?  Well – good question!  Let’s discuss that on Saturday in my next post.  As always – until that time if you’ve any thoughts, contributions to the discussion at hand or questions . . . please feel more than free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com  Would love to hear some feedback from everyone!!

Until then – Be Well!!

Bill

We’ve all had a run in at one time or another with the fearsome Divorceoraptor; those cold blooded divorced persons (of either sex) who spend the rest of their lives ambushing unsuspecting victims and slashing them with their bitterness and anger. 

The Divorceoraptor begins life as a regular, peace loving, herbivore . . . they fall in love, get married and set out for a calm life of marital bliss.  But then something happens – the marriage goes from bad to worse, promises are broken as well as hearts and the hurt and pain of this break-up find their way deep into the heart of this previously harmless biped.  And that’s when the change begins to take place; rather than dealing with the pain and hurt in a healthy and productive way and seeking to move on – the budding young Divorceoraptor harbours the hurt, nurtures the bitterness and dwells on the pain.  They wrap their inner world around the betrayal and allow it to fill their heart with anger.  That’s when the slashing claws begin to develop as they start taking this inner pain out on others.  The Divorceoraptor also develops poison glands in their mouth with which they seek to poison the contentment and happiness of others.  The Divorceoraptor is particularly fond of preying on the relationships of others and will spend long hours nipping at the heels of another’s marriage, seeking to trip it up and bring it to ruin if so allowed.

As divorced dudes we live each day in the hunting grounds of this fearsome beast – either friends who have been divorced and have “turned” or women with whom we attempt to date.  They can show up anywhere and will always try to get you to join them by complaining about the horrible “EX” and a long recitation of the many ways they’ve been mistreated and how “all women (or men) are the same”.  It can be tempting!  After all we each carry some pretty serious hurts.  But just remember that while the Divorceoraptor seems fierce . . . they are really quite miserable and unhappy . . . better by far to deal with the pain directly, accept the need to move on with our life and then get busy doing so. 

Just keep an eye out! You never know where one is lurking!

Be well!

Billosaurus