dudesndivorce.com

As my introduction mentions, I’ve spent a good portion of the last 25 years being a single dad to three great kids and while that road has had its bumps and potholes it has helped me build and maintain a good relationship with my kiddos.  My oldest two moved out a few years ago and they’ve gone on to begin building lives of their own – I am proud of them and the fine, young, adults they’ve become.  My youngest has remained at home and he and I have enjoyed the last couple of years and the opportunity this time has given us to spend some great times together.

Sadly that’s about to come to an end.  My boy let me know a few weeks ago that he’s moving out to pursue his dreams and ambitions and begin building his own life as well.  I am just as proud of him as I am of the other two and I’m confident that he’ll do well.  But, to be honest, it’s going to be a transition for me.  To go from a house full to a house empty will be a big change.  It will also be a big transition in the nature of the relationship between he and I . . . and while that’s a good and healthy thing – it is still something of a loss.  A loss of my little boy; and a challenge in renegotiating a relationship with a young and newly independent man.

As usual I’m writing this post not as an expert but as a fellow traveler – Not as a navigator but as someone sharing common experiences with fellow divorced and/or single men and fathers.  So; as I deal with this upcoming event in my own life I’d like to share with you what I am finding helpful in preparing for it:

First of all I’m biting my tongue and resisting with all the power that is in me the temptation to load him down with advice.  Don’t misunderstand me . . . I definitely TRIED!  but he made it pretty clear in the glazed over look in his eyes and his body language that he really wasn’t listening.  Guess I can’t take it too hard . . . I certainly never listened to my dad when I was his age! lol!  It’s frustrating to be sure, but there’s no sense in my preaching to him if he’s not going to listen.  Instead I’ve changed tactics and am trying to just listen to him and his plans/dreams/schemes and provide input as he asks for it (which strangely enough has been happen more since I was trying to force it on him! hmmmm)

Second; he’s been feeling pretty overwhelmed with all of the stuff he has to get done before he launches out on his own, so I’ve been giving him as much space as I can, just offering to help without pushing myself on him.   

Third; I’ve been considering some major home remodeling/reorganization for once he’s out of the house.  No, don’t be fooled, it’s not just because FINALLY I’ve the house to MYSELF . . . actually it has more to do with just keeping my mind occupied on something other than his impending move.  I also figure it’ll be good for me to have something to focus my energy on once he’s moved out.  You can only watch so many movies or read so many books before the walls start closing in, know what I mean?

Anyway – that’s how I’ve been preparing/dealing with the impending “empty nest”.  Anyone else out there have any hints, suggestions, advice?  I’d love to hear from some of you who have been through this yourself.

Until then take care and Be Well!

Bill

I’ve been doing some thinking guys (never a safe thing) and given the uncertain economic times we find ourselves in and understanding that divorced men are especially vulnerable to such circumstances it seems like it might be a good time to introduce a new regular feature on our blog.  Basically what I’ve in mind is an on-going series of posts that give “survival tips” about how to get by on less.  The topics will vary across a broad range of subject matter from clipping coupons to putting in a small garden, from how to cut down on utility bills to ways to generate a bit of side income.  The individual posts will focus on individual topics instead of presenting a list of ideas; this way we will be able to share more details on the practical application side.  Some of the ideas may seem small or minimal money savers but the idea is that small savings add up quick.  Save a couple dollars a day and over the course of a year you have a nice Christmas for your kids or a nice added payment against the principle of your house or car loan.

We’ll also be encouraging each of you to share practical, money saving, advice as well.  Nearly everyone has a trick or two up their sleeve for saving a buck here or there.  Just respond in the comments section with your tip or idea so that everyone else can benefit.  If you send in an especially good, original idea we may even contact you and ask you to elaborate a bit by doing a guest post for us.  The idea here men is to help each other out a bit as we face these tough times.  Even those of us who have been doing the post-divorce thing for a while appreciate the occasional tip in this area and I know there are a lot of men still very new to it or who are really struggling due to a lack of employment and/or large child support and alimony judgments.  For them every dime they can squeeze out of their income is of huge importance! If you’d like you can leave the comment directly or you can send us an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com 

Finally; we’ll work on getting one of these up about every week although we’re going to focus more on quality than on quantity so we may have two on some weeks and none on others.  A lot of that will depend on the amount of input we get from our readers.

I’m excited about this idea and I really believe it has the potential to help all of us make it through these tough economic times in much better shape.

Be well!

Bill

Hey dudesndivorce.com readers!

For many of us divorced dudes the post divorce time includes acquiring new skills or re-acquiring long unused ones. And it can definitely pose some strange situations! For instance you should see the looks on some of my friends faces when I recently told them I was thinking about getting a sewing machine. You could tell my manhood was being questioned in their minds! But, hey, I’ve got some clothes that need mending and I don’t see why I should throw them out or pay someone else to do it if I can learn. You would have thought they would have gotten accustomed to these type of conversations with me after I talked to them about needing to buy a new vacuum!

But it doesn’t end there, oh no! When I go to the store to shop for it I ask two nearby ladies which model was best for a new person learning to sew. They responded as if they assumed I was shopping for a gift for a female friend or family member. Their whole attitude changed when I said, “Well, I just want to mend some shirts and jeans. I don’t plan on making anything. I just wanna fix what I have.”  Funny, now that I think about it, one lady did leave rather quickly after I said that. I’m sure that was a mere coincidence. The intrepid sole survivor helped answer some of my questions and gave me some pointers to get started. I didn’t even mind that she spoke to me as if I were somehow mentally challenged. I got what I needed, made my selection, and left.

After all this I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a good idea to tell the guys at work I bought and hung some curtains in my apartment this past weekend.

See ya later,

Russ

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

Just a few musings as I review the historic events of this week. 

This week we look at the anniversaries of a couple of major efforts towards independence. June 4th was the 20th anniversary of the Chinese government crackdown on the protesters in Tiananmen square in Beijing. And June 6th  is the anniversary of Operation Overlord, otherwise known as D-Day, the Allies invasion of Nazi occupied Europe. June 5th is sort of sandwiched between these two very significant dates in history. 

It causes me to think, and I know this applies to myself, how many men view the option of divorce itself as a means or method to obtain independence? Or some form of it?

So many times we hear that marriage can be like a prison or a prison sentence. Usually this is said in humor or perhaps even in an attempt to get pity.  But I can relate to this idea in some manner. And in the concept that divorce “can” give some independence. 

As I’ve stated before, my marriage had problems, serious ones. I tried discussing these issues with my then wife to work them out. Over and over again! I not only felt  she not want to work on the problems but also she did not want to even recognize them. Thus they were never going to get solved! As one person in a relationship, I could only do so much. It simply takes two to solve all the problems. 

So, in essence, I felt I was in a marriage or relationship prison. The only other person who could work with me to get out of it (to work out or solve our problems) refused to do so.  Thus the prison analogy. 

Divorce is not the best option, certainly. That’s one reason why I hung on  so long, but I felt in my situation, it was the only real life, real world option. 

Just wanted to share some thoughts. Have a great weekend, see ya later!

Russ