As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been reading William Bennett’s Moral Compass lately.  I have a pretty stressful and intense job so I’ve been taking my lunch breaks as a chance to re-group and relax for a bit.  I just close the door, pull the Moral Compass off it’s shelf and enjoy reading a few pages while I eat.  The book is really wonderfully suited for that purpose since it’s mainly a collection of sayings, poems, short stories and such.  So far I’m still in the first section which is geared towards the moral instruction of children.  There is some REALLY great stuff in here!  And as I’ve read it I’ve seen two powerful applications for divorced men:

The first application is pretty direct; it’s a good source of inspiration and material for any father who cares about imparting a solid moral compass to his children.  As I’ve worked my way through it I’ve thought back to the time when my children were young and the things I did (or didn’t do) to instill the basic core values of our society into them. 

For those of us who are divorced the responsibility and opportunity to teach our children   positive values and the importance of a good moral character are made a bit more difficult.  The amount of available quality time, conflicting messages from their other parent and the general influence of a very materialistic society can make it seem like a constant up-hill battle.  While a lot of the stories or poems are pretty old they each contain a nugget or two of solid wisdom that are never out dated.  If your kiddos are young most of it is great material for bedtime stories – if they are older it gives some useful analogies that you can weave into your conversations with them (see my earlier post “Scars” ( http://dudesndivorce.com/2009/06/13/scars/  ). 

The second application is a bit more subtle; Lets face it – our society makes so much “noise” that sometimes it’s hard to even think.  We are assaulted day in and day out by such a withering barrage of ambiguity, situational ethics, self-centeredness and materialism that it’s easy to get out of touch with our own moral compass.  I’ve found it very affirming and satisfying to go back to the “lessons of my youth” and read or re-read stories that reinforce and amplify the direction of my own, internal Moral Compass.  While it’s been some time since I last went through a divorce I know very well how chaotic that process is and how often you are confronted with difficult moral and ethical choices;  I can’t help but think how refreshing it would be to read some of this material when going through that.

I found my copy in a flea market and paid $6 for it; probably any decent used book store would have a copy laying around for about the same.  I looked it up at Amazon and they have it starting even cheaper than the $6 I paid for it . . . I went ahead and put that up on our Amazon widget in case anyone is interested.

All in all a very good and useful book . . . can’t wait to continue reading it and letting you all know what I find!

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill

Has this happened to you?  If so then you’ve been Triangulized!

This can be especially frustrating to the new partners for either parent as the child quickly learns that they can get the upper hand over these new adults by triangulating things.  And unfortunately many divorced parents want everything to be perfect during visits with their child so they are loath to challenge the behavior and tend to want to give the child anything he or she asks for.  (Any of this sounding familiar?)

I think the best strategy here is to remember that a parent’s first duty to their child isn’t to make them happy but to teach them their proper place in the world.  Which - just for clarifications sake - is NOT on a throne.  Setting firm rules of acceptable behavior and consistently enforcing the consequences for infractions of these rules is just good parenting and results in a child growing up into a much more secure and well adjusted adult.  Sure little Jimmy may try use the divorce as a guilt inducing prod to manipulate you into buying that Gangsta Rap CD . . . but refusing to give in to that manipulation will do him MUCH more good than “B. Daddy Killa” or whoever.

It’s also good to engage in a little adult conversation with the ex-wife regarding these behaviors.  refer back to my post about Petting Porcupines and how taking the time to nurture a civil relationship with your ex will yield big dividends in resolving these kinds of parenting issues.

Just remember that a child who is successful in triangulating his parents respects neither of them very much. . . . in short to be Triangulized is to be marginalized as an effective parent.

Hope this was of help

Be Well

Bill

On Tuesday we talked a bit about some of the things to take into consideration when deciding which parent should be primary care giver for the minor children.  Today I thought it might be helpful to encourage some discussion and thought about a few of the problems that can come up once that decision has been made.

Divorce is never an easy thing as I’m sure most of you are aware; it’s also not something which is simply over as soon as the judge makes his ruling.  Ideally that would be great were it true but unfortunately divorce seems to breed a form of drama all it’s own.

The situations I’m going to mention here are probably the three most common sources of difficulty in custody arrangements, if you’ve given some thought to preparing for each of these then you should be well ahead of the game:

-  Romance; odds are pretty good that eventually your ex will find someone new and become involved in a romantic relationship.  This can be a difficult experience on a host of levels not the least of which is the idea that some other guy is now spending a great deal of time with YOUR kids!  In fact if she is the primary care-giver he may be spending more time with them than you are.  In the best of situations this can be difficult simply because your children may think he’s kind of neat and may talk about him quite a lot; not an easy thing to hear especially if you’re still harboring some feelings for the ex-wife.  It’s easy to respond poorly to this situation and wind up alienating your children at the very time you are wanting to draw them closer to you.  To make matters worse you may have reason to believe that this individual posses a threat to your children; this is when things get really complicated!  The first impulse is to protect your children by forcing this person to stay away from them.  The problem with this approach is you really can’t force anything at this point without the collaboration of the court, law enforcement or Child Protective Services and to enlist their aide you need solid and convincing proof.  We’ll talk more about this in Saturday’s post.

- Moving; Western culture tends to be pretty fluid with families moving from one town to another fairly frequently; this doesn’t suddenly stop just because you’re divorced.  In fact there is a tendency for one or both parties to move to a new location within a relatively short time of concluding the divorce.  Maybe for a new job, to be closer to supportive family or just to get a fresh start on life, whatever the reason if there are children involved odds are that distance may suddenly become an issue.  This is one situation in which going the extra mile to make the divorce as amicable as possible can really pay off.  If you and your ex-spouse haven’t engaged in a war during the divorce process and are still able to hold civil discussions about what is best for the children then there is a chance that a potential move can either be diverted or modified so as to lessen the impact on the children.  Otherwise, just prepare yourself to make some long trips to pick the children up for their visits and don’t succumb to the temptation to decrease the frequency or length of the visits due to convenience.  I know several men who barely have any relationship at all with their children because they haven’t made the sacrifices in time and money necessary to maintain regular contact.

-  Legal challenges; this is more likely to happen if you are the one who ends up being the primary caregiver.  Social conventions still tend to assume that the woman is naturally somehow the better parent.  When a guy ends up with physical custody of the children it naturally puts your ex in the position of feeling some social condemnation and thus pressure to fight to “get them back”.  The result can be several years of constant legal warfare with some pretty dirty tactics being used against you.  We’ll discuss that a bit more in depth on Saturday but for now let me just note that I’ve had personal experience with this and the best tactic for me was to pay attention to the details of the children’s care, document everything and find an attorney who knows their stuff.  After awhile the other party will start doing themselves more harm than good with the constant pettiness; so patience, patience, patience.

These are the three big sources of problems in custody arrangements; or at least they have been in my experience.   

Saturday I’ll post on some of the most common tactics used in custody warfare and what I’ve learned regarding each one in real life application.

Until then everyone be well

Bill

In this post I’d like to present some things to ponder when deciding wither you or your ex-spouse should have primary physical custody.

- First of all notice my assumption that one parent will have primary physical custody.  Some courts will award both parents equal physical and legal custody with the child spending equal time with both.  Let me tell you . . . it may sound great and it would be – if the child was a set of dinnerware or a lawn mower!  But children need stability and stability is very, very difficult to provide when the child is being shuffled back and forth between two homes; so for their sake I would suggest carefully looking at other options first.

-  Children require a lot of time and attention.  Not only do their basic care needs require a time investment (cooking, cleaning, homework, etc . . .) but also in spending quality time with them in order to nourish their emotional development.  Which parent has both the time and the ability to make that investment?  Maybe both of you do – maybe neither.  It’s important to examine that question honestly and frankly and factor that into your final decision.

-  Aside from questions of availability, which parent can better relate to the child and his or her needs.  This doesn’t mean simply that little girls need to be with their mommy and teenage boys need to go with their dad . . . it also has a lot to do with the personality mix between parent and child.

-  How will the child’s life be disrupted?  Sometimes parents forget that children have a complex social world that they belong to outside the family.  Uprooting a teenager from friends and school can be a devastating blow and when it comes along with a divorce can amount to a one/two punch that can have long term emotional and behavioral consequences.  But it isn’t just teenagers that are so affected; even a preschooler who is uprooted from the daycare they’ve been going to since infancy can be strongly effected. 

Probably you’ve already thought of all of these plus a few more; or maybe there is something here that hasn’t occurred to you yet.  Naturally no short article on the web is going to give you everything you need to come to a quality decision on this matter.  The purpose of this post is simply to give men currently facing the issue a few basics to get started.  For those of you who’ve already been through this perhaps you’ve some things to add or suggestions to make; if so please feel free to leave a comment for others to read.

On Thursday we’ll look at some problem areas that commonly come up in custody arrangements and how to prepare for them.

Until then, take care!

Bill

 One of the challenges I faced as single parent was in being distracted by all the busyness from spending quality time with my children .  When you’ve a house to clean, meals to cook, a job to keep and bills to pay (not to mention squabbles with the ex!) it is sometimes easy to go through the day and miss spending quality, fun, time with them.  While this is always important to do as a parent it is ESPECIALLY important for single parent households.  Divorce takes a toll on children and they need a parent who is really there for them.  Quality time tells them they are important and loved.  For me this has been a process like everything else with ups and downs along the way; but here’s a list of ten things we did that I feel helped the kids and I connect. 

1.         Afternoon trips to the park or the lake:  Sometimes we’d pack a lunch or some snacks (really fun if you let THEM fix the lunch!! ~:?) and just drive out to one of our local lakes or to the city park.  The lake was always fun in the summer b/c you can go swimming or fishing or collect neat rocks (or bugs).  Quite often we’d take trash bags with us and clean up a section of shoreline.  Not only did we do something together it also taught them some good lessons on environmental responsibility . . . my children are pretty much grown and none of them are litterbugs! 

2.         Bowling: this is a great activity!  The kids and I made a weekly routine out of a trip to the bowling alley.  We’d go pay bills, do our shopping and take a trip to the bowling alley where we’d bowl a couple games or play some video arcade games.  It was fun, fairly cheap and there is enough of a challenge at all ages to keep it fun.

3.         “Shoot Out”: everyone gets a Nerf gun or something similar that shoots a soft, non-injurious, projectile and then let the games begin!!  Make sure you put up the breakables first of course but this is a real hoot.  Kids especially love it when they manage to nail dad and he does the overly dramatic final death scene.  (of course my three year old always liked to body slam me in the middle of my soliloquy! ~:?) 

4.         A regular T.V. show:  every Saturday night for YEARS the kids and I sat down to a fun dinner in front of the T.V. and watched that week’s edition of COPS.  One of my reasons for selecting that show was that it very clearly shows the consequences of criminal behavior.  There was/is a lot of action and for the most part it is pretty clean.  Now I’m not suggesting everyone adopt that particular show but spending an hour together as a routine watching one special program is great for family unity.

5.         Dinner at the table:  yeah I know I just mentioned dinner in front of the TV but in general as the children were growing up we ate our meals together at the table.  It was a time to talk and visit and discuss important “stuff”.  It is too easy to get in the habit of eating in front of the TV but that really robs you and your children of some time to visit. 

6.         Reading to them or listening to them read:  excellent for brain development, reading skills and close one on one time.

7.         Coloring or drawing: especially if the kids are young – a big piece of blank newsprint or some coloring books, some crayons and just lay on the floor (don’t be afraid to color outside the lines!).   

8.         Cooking together:  having the kiddos help in the kitchen can be great family time and you might just be surprised how much help they can be!  You have to be careful naturally about hot surfaces and knives but as they grow you can have them doing age appropriate things like cracking eggs, measuring, stirring sauces, setting the table etc . . ..  It’s a good family activity that develops an important skill set as well.

9.         Attend church together:  while maybe this is not for everyone if you are so inclined I feel like this is a very important facet of building family unity.  Talking about Sunday School lessons or the subject of the sermon provides an excellent venue for moral instruction and it touches on something deeply meaningful that we can share with our children.  I have often been absolutely amazed by an insightful comment that one of the children made in response to a Sunday school lesson. 

10.       Just talk WITH them.  It is so easy as a single parent to forget to take even a minute or two to connect with our children as persons.  We often talk TO them “go do that”, “You need to do this”, “Quit doing the other” . . . but what builds that quality relationship with them is taking time to talk WITH them, asking questions and then really listening to the answers; engaging them fully in a two-way conversation.

You’ll notice that conspicuous in it’s absence is any mention of soccer games, band meets or other organized events.  Such things are important and I’ve no problem with them but they don’t do much to build a relationship with your child.  If all your time with your child is spent doing this sort of stuff maybe it’s time to re-examine your schedule. 

It’s not always easy and you are never as good at doing it as you’d like to be but taking the time to take time with your children as a single dad is incredibly important for both you and them and can be the key to their making it through the difficulties of the divorce.

If you’ve other activities that you’d like to share please leave a comment.  If you’d like to share with someone else feel free!  Just credit dudesndivorce.com.

Thanks

Bill

Ever thought about petting a porcupine?  Probably not for all of the obvious reasons!  Who wants a handful of quills right!?  But actually if you can get the porcupine to relax and lower his quills then you could, in theory, pet him fairly easily without getting stuck.  The trick is all in getting him to lower his defenses . . . and that requires winning his trust.

People are a lot like porcupines.  If they don’t trust you they put up their defenses and won’t let you near them without sticking you.  Divorces tend to create a lot of dis-trust and defensiveness . . . suddenly it’s like you’re in a herd of frightened porcupines; everyone has their quills up in self-defense and no matter how much they may WANT to get close the proposition is just too dang painful!!  They stick you and you stick them and everyone is miserable.

As the old farmer said – “when you find yourself at the bottom of a hole the first thing to do is stop digging.”  I guess that’s advice that applies to many divorced men and our relationships with our ex-wives.   If we want a more peaceful relationship we have to stop sticking them every time we’re in the same room, start laying our own quills down and despite the temptation, control the urge to react defensively when they stick us.  With time and effort things can improve if both parties are willing.  You may never get to the point that you want to cuddle them . . . but maybe you can at least “pet the porcupine” without being turned into a pin cushion.

Anyway – it’s a fun way to think about it.

Bill

This is a problem limited not just to the U.S.!  In conversations with other divorced men in Australia and the U.K it appears that the issue is wide spread and global in nature.  I suppose that at least some of it stems from traditional views of women being the “weaker” sex and therefore in need of extra protection under the law or at least in the court room.  While this author acknowledges that some differences remain in terms of pay differentials between men and women the current realities no longer justify the level of protection afforded women at the expense of men.

Am I advocating that men should not have to pay child support?  . . . of course not and neither are the vast majority of men who pay.  But all too often mother’s fail to report changes as required in order to continue to receive support they are no longer entitled to; in such cases what penalties does the woman face who has so defrauded her ex-husband?  I know of at least one situation in which a man was defrauded by his ex into paying several months worth of child support because she intentionally withheld information from him pertinent to the issue.  In essence this amounted to her stealing several thousand dollars from him . . . was there a penalty? jail time served? income garnished?  No!  In fact the gentleman in this situation was told if he wanted to recoup the money he should hire an attorney and go to small claims court!  Yet the state had assisted in the collection of the defrauded amount without expense or cost to her via automatic income garnishment.

Talk with divorced men and these are the kinds of stories you will hear.  Despite the media’s tendency to represent men as “Deadbeat Dad’s” who value their pocketbooks over their children, the truth is much different.  The vast majority of men gladly take an active part in the up-bringing of their children; both financially and emotionally.  The plain truth that needs to be addressed is that the Justice system in far too many divorce courts is anything BUT just or impartial.

It is time for a change.