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As we continue this series on problems that can arise in custody arrangements the first difficulty that comes to mind revolves around legal battles fought to modify custody or support.  These can be very expensive, very frustrating and are rarely satisfying to either party.  I could try to launch into a long discourse on the different types of cases and concerns and basically author a book that I’m not qualified to write . . . so I’m going to lay out a handful of simple survival tactics that I’ve learned through bitter experience in the hope that it may help some of you consider something you hadn’t before or that it may encourage some of the “older hands” reading the blog to lay out a few hints of their own:

- Document, Document, Document:  No matter what the issue is make sure that you are documenting any evidence that makes your case.  If the ex is spending money like water and asking to have support payments increased then document the new fur, new car or new jewelry; you might even ask nicely where they got it – will help your lawyer subpoena credit card/checking account records later on.

- Keep Your Cool: yes I know some of this stuff can be frustrating, aggravating and infuriating to the extreme, but loosing your temper does no one any good but her attorney.  Remember her lawyer is telling her to document stuff as well and if you throw a fit and she calls Law Enforcement then you’ve just helped her make her case (and probably fallen right into her trap).

- Witnesses: especially in the first year or two or whenever there is some sort of litigation in the works; never allow yourself to be alone with the ex.  I know of someone whose ex-wife came over unannounced – he let her in his apartment for just a few minutes.  As soon as she left she called the police and claimed he had assaulted her (showing as evidence an injury she’d received purely by accident earlier in the day).  Sound extreme?  Sure does – but my buddy was in a hell of a fix anyway!

- Be Careful of Precedent:  Remember that the $200 you’ve given her to make a late utility payment can be used later on by her attorney to support her claim that you should increase alimony or child support by the same amount.  It will be hard to prove you don’t have the ability to do so in light of your earlier generosity.

- The Best Interest of the Children Test:  Nearly every judge makes the best interests of your children the cornerstone of his decisions and the quickest way to defeat is to look like it ISN’T the cornerstone of yours!  To be honest I think that’s the way it should be; after all the only innocent party here IS the children.  So whatever position you take, try to examine it before-hand with that test in mind.

- Be Willing to Mediate:  mediation can often be a very effective means of working out issues without having to go to court.  While not perfect it often can be a much better venue that throwing your fate upon the mercy of the court.  It would probably be worth a bit of your time to look into the options in your locality and be prepared to utilize them if it seems best to you.  One word of warning though – it’s my understanding that judges take a dim view of those who settle something through mediation and then renege on that agreement – so make sure you can follow through!

- Finally, The Best Defense is a Good Diplomat:  If you can avoid the argument altogether then you are way ahead of the game, right?  As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts it is well worth your while to foster as amicable a relationship as is reasonably possible with your ex-spouse.  I know it has really paid off for me even though initially it was a bit costly in terms of what I had to be willing to negotiate and compromise on.  From what I’ve seen of these matters a large percentage of court cases post-divorce are the by-product of the distrust and enmity created during the initial divorce proceedings.  Protect yourself of course but be willing to give a little for the sake of long-term peace.

If anyone has any additional points to add feel free to do so.  Otherwise we’ll catch this again on Thursday (Turkey day here in the States!! ~:?) with a look at some of the concerns arising from one parent becoming involved with a “significant other” (Problematic Paramours” anyone??)

Have a great Holiday!!

Bill

When it comes to the lengths people will go to when fighting for custody of their children its safe to say that nothing should surprise us.  So many core issues are involved here including not only the care and up bringing of one’s children but also the financial concerns of child support, the pressures exerted by extended family and friends, self esteem and perhaps a persons own parent/child issues.  Whenever you bring that many critical matters of the human heart together on one issue things are bound to get ugly! 

As I have thought and planned this article it’s become more and more obvious to me that one post is simply far to limited a space to touch on this topic, even lightly. What I plan on doing then is extending this series into next week to look at each of the most common forms that custody battles take. 

A bit of self revelation is in order here; not only am I a single parent, I also work in Child Protective Services and see these issues played out every day.  Given these qualifications I believe that I can speak about what to expect in a custody dispute.  However, while I have some knowledge both personal and professional of custody issues I AM NOT an attorney so nothing I say here should be taken as legal advice.  I am also a CPS worker in only one State in the U.S. and my focus is on Abuse and Neglect issues – every state is different in their laws and policies concerning both Abuse/Neglect as well as custody issues rising from divorce (CPS doesn’t normally get involved in parental custody disputes).  So although I can speak well in general terms and broad principles, the personal application to your own situation should be taken with these facts in mind and should, ideally, involve an attorney whenever possible.

So what kinds of things can we possibly expect?  Well as I mention above just about anything.  Custody disputes take many forms including legal battles, involving CPS, relationship warfare, exerting financial pressures and even outright physical violence.  I will examine each of these in the week ahead and look at some ways to defend yourself; I’ll also look at how each of these affect the children unlucky enough to get caught in the middle.  I will do that because, believe it or not, it is sometimes easy for parents to forget the toll their warfare is having on the children; talk about your “collateral damage”!!  Our children naturally love both of their parents; even if their parents have come to hate one another.  And even when one parent is behaving in an exceptionally destructive manner that the children must be protected from . . . they still love that parent.  I think that’s a critically important fact to consider before we launch into the coming weeks subject matter. 

We’ll start that discussion on Tuesday with a look at issues involving legal battles.

Until then be well

Bill

Custody Concerns II:

On Tuesday we talked a bit about some of the things to take into consideration when deciding which parent should be primary care giver for the minor children.  Today I thought it might be helpful to encourage some discussion and thought about a few of the problems that can come up once that decision has been made.

Divorce is never an easy thing as I’m sure most of you are aware; it’s also not something which is simply over as soon as the judge makes his ruling.  Ideally that would be great were it true but unfortunately divorce seems to breed a form of drama all it’s own.

The situations I’m going to mention here are probably the three most common sources of difficulty in custody arrangements, if you’ve given some thought to preparing for each of these then you should be well ahead of the game:

-  Romance; odds are pretty good that eventually your ex will find someone new and become involved in a romantic relationship.  This can be a difficult experience on a host of levels not the least of which is the idea that some other guy is now spending a great deal of time with YOUR kids!  In fact if she is the primary care-giver he may be spending more time with them than you are.  In the best of situations this can be difficult simply because your children may think he’s kind of neat and may talk about him quite a lot; not an easy thing to hear especially if you’re still harboring some feelings for the ex-wife.  It’s easy to respond poorly to this situation and wind up alienating your children at the very time you are wanting to draw them closer to you.  To make matters worse you may have reason to believe that this individual posses a threat to your children; this is when things get really complicated!  The first impulse is to protect your children by forcing this person to stay away from them.  The problem with this approach is you really can’t force anything at this point without the collaboration of the court, law enforcement or Child Protective Services and to enlist their aide you need solid and convincing proof.  We’ll talk more about this in Saturday’s post.

- Moving; Western culture tends to be pretty fluid with families moving from one town to another fairly frequently; this doesn’t suddenly stop just because you’re divorced.  In fact there is a tendency for one or both parties to move to a new location within a relatively short time of concluding the divorce.  Maybe for a new job, to be closer to supportive family or just to get a fresh start on life, whatever the reason if there are children involved odds are that distance may suddenly become an issue.  This is one situation in which going the extra mile to make the divorce as amicable as possible can really pay off.  If you and your ex-spouse haven’t engaged in a war during the divorce process and are still able to hold civil discussions about what is best for the children then there is a chance that a potential move can either be diverted or modified so as to lessen the impact on the children.  Otherwise, just prepare yourself to make some long trips to pick the children up for their visits and don’t succumb to the temptation to decrease the frequency or length of the visits due to convenience.  I know several men who barely have any relationship at all with their children because they haven’t made the sacrifices in time and money necessary to maintain regular contact.

-  Legal challenges; this is more likely to happen if you are the one who ends up being the primary caregiver.  Social conventions still tend to assume that the woman is naturally somehow the better parent.  When a guy ends up with physical custody of the children it naturally puts your ex in the position of feeling some social condemnation and thus pressure to fight to “get them back”.  The result can be several years of constant legal warfare with some pretty dirty tactics being used against you.  We’ll discuss that a bit more in depth on Saturday but for now let me just note that I’ve had personal experience with this and the best tactic for me was to pay attention to the details of the children’s care, document everything and find an attorney who knows their stuff.  After awhile the other party will start doing themselves more harm than good with the constant pettiness; so patience, patience, patience.

These are the three big sources of problems in custody arrangements; or at least they have been in my experience.   

Saturday I’ll post on some of the most common tactics used in custody warfare and what I’ve learned regarding each one in real life application.

Until then everyone be well

Bill

There are many difficult decisions that have to be made during a divorce; but the hardest of all has to do with deciding upon the custody arrangements for your children.  Even when divorce is clearly the only answer for a relationship it is never a good thing for the children born of that relationship.  Not only is it a terrible loss for children it also forever changes your relationship with them.

In this post I’d like to present some things to ponder when deciding wither you or your ex-spouse should have primary physical custody.

- First of all notice my assumption that one parent will have primary physical custody.  Some courts will award both parents equal physical and legal custody with the child spending equal time with both.  Let me tell you . . . it may sound great and it would be – if the child was a set of dinnerware or a lawn mower!  But children need stability and stability is very, very difficult to provide when the child is being shuffled back and forth between two homes; so for their sake I would suggest carefully looking at other options first.

-  Children require a lot of time and attention.  Not only do their basic care needs require a time investment (cooking, cleaning, homework, etc . . .) but also in spending quality time with them in order to nourish their emotional development.  Which parent has both the time and the ability to make that investment?  Maybe both of you do – maybe neither.  It’s important to examine that question honestly and frankly and factor that into your final decision.

-  Aside from questions of availability, which parent can better relate to the child and his or her needs.  This doesn’t mean simply that little girls need to be with their mommy and teenage boys need to go with their dad . . . it also has a lot to do with the personality mix between parent and child.

-  How will the child’s life be disrupted?  Sometimes parents forget that children have a complex social world that they belong to outside the family.  Uprooting a teenager from friends and school can be a devastating blow and when it comes along with a divorce can amount to a one/two punch that can have long term emotional and behavioral consequences.  But it isn’t just teenagers that are so affected; even a preschooler who is uprooted from the daycare they’ve been going to since infancy can be strongly effected. 

Probably you’ve already thought of all of these plus a few more; or maybe there is something here that hasn’t occurred to you yet.  Naturally no short article on the web is going to give you everything you need to come to a quality decision on this matter.  The purpose of this post is simply to give men currently facing the issue a few basics to get started.  For those of you who’ve already been through this perhaps you’ve some things to add or suggestions to make; if so please feel free to leave a comment for others to read.

On Thursday we’ll look at some problem areas that commonly come up in custody arrangements and how to prepare for them.

Until then, take care!

Bill

Over the last four or five years, as I’ve talked with men about their experiences with divorce, there has been one subject that always inspires the greatest emotional response.  In summary it is the perception many men have that the legal system is heavily biased against them.  This bias is exemplified in a variety of ways; from child support being automatically deducted from a paycheck while paternity fraud complaints receive little more than a figurative dismissing shrug from the courts and legislators; to single fathers having to fight an uphill battle in the courts to prove their suitability as primary care-taker. And in most jurisdictions it requires nothing more than an accusation of domestic violence by a woman against a man to insure he spends a night in jail.

This is a problem limited not just to the U.S.!  In conversations with other divorced men in Australia and the U.K it appears that the issue is wide spread and global in nature.  I suppose that at least some of it stems from traditional views of women being the “weaker” sex and therefore in need of extra protection under the law or at least in the court room.  While this author acknowledges that some differences remain in terms of pay differentials between men and women the current realities no longer justify the level of protection afforded women at the expense of men.

Am I advocating that men should not have to pay child support?  . . . of course not and neither are the vast majority of men who pay.  But all too often mother’s fail to report changes as required in order to continue to receive support they are no longer entitled to; in such cases what penalties does the woman face who has so defrauded her ex-husband?  I know of at least one situation in which a man was defrauded by his ex into paying several months worth of child support because she intentionally withheld information from him pertinent to the issue.  In essence this amounted to her stealing several thousand dollars from him . . . was there a penalty? jail time served? income garnished?  No!  In fact the gentleman in this situation was told if he wanted to recoup the money he should hire an attorney and go to small claims court!  Yet the state had assisted in the collection of the defrauded amount without expense or cost to her via automatic income garnishment.

Talk with divorced men and these are the kinds of stories you will hear.  Despite the media’s tendency to represent men as “Deadbeat Dad’s” who value their pocketbooks over their children, the truth is much different.  The vast majority of men gladly take an active part in the up-bringing of their children; both financially and emotionally.  The plain truth that needs to be addressed is that the Justice system in far too many divorce courts is anything BUT just or impartial.

It is time for a change.