dudesndivorce.com

In looking back I noticed that a topic which we’ve not talked a whole lot about here at dudesndivorce.com is how your relationship with your extended family changes after a divorce.  As you might recall from the first post in this series, (http://dudesndivorce.com/2010/01/16/the-post-divorce-theory-of-relate-tivity-friendships/), just like in Einstein’s theory the perceptions in the relational world also change as your point of reference moves from being married to being divorced.  This is true not only of your friendships but also in your relationship with your family of origin.

Of course every family is different; some are very supportive while others tend to be more judgmental or distant; also individual members differ in how they view divorce in general and your decision in particular.  But there are some patterns that I’ve noticed tend to come up pretty regularly and those are what I’d like to focus on here.

The first pattern is one of defensiveness not necessarily against you but against the threat that the reality of your decision poses to their convictions and world views.  While divorce does not carry with it the taboos that it once did in our culture there are still many people who disapprove of it in any but the worst circumstances.  Of course only you can say to what degree this applies to you but for some family members your divorce may present them with a real problem.  Why?  Because it moves the whole debate from the abstract into the personal.  While they may disagree with divorce in principle – they can’t help but see the positive effects doing so is having on your life.  It’s easy to get angry or to resent the struggle these family members are having with your personal decision.  But my suggestion is to just not challenge the matter head on.  Give them time to adjust.  It may turn out that your divorce will be something that they eventually accept or it may be that you’ll just have to learn to avoid the topic with them.  Either way the relationship will probably change somewhat.

The second pattern is also one of defensiveness but rather than centering around an abstract belief it strikes much closer to home for the other party; it basically revolves around a perceived threat to their own marriage.  I really think that for some people divorce must seem like a horrible and contagious disease that can be spread from one person to another.  There is often a tendency to shun someone as soon as they’ve announced that they’re getting a divorce.  I think this is especially true towards men – women I think tend to be more supportive of a fellow woman who is divorcing while men going through the same thing are to be avoided lest they encourage other men to do the same.  Within a family this can be seen as other members of the family who are perhaps dealing with some marital problems as well attempt to put distance between them and you.  Again this can be very difficult to deal with – we naturally want the support of our family and feeling that we’re being shunned can be incredibly discouraging and frustrating.  All I can suggest is to know that it’s a reality of human nature and try to focus on the family relationships that are stronger rather than attempting to force those who seem to need some distance.

A third, common, pattern in the reactions of families towards divorce is a tendency to take sides.  Seems to happen very frequently that as soon as the divorce is announced that family members begin to take positions on the matter.  That’s a normal human reaction of course and should be expected; but, unfortunately, our family does not always take our side on the matter.  You can expect that some of your family may feel that your ex-wife is being treated unfairly or that your mistakes in the marriage are largely to blame.  A lack of information in these matters rarely stops people from forming opinions or feeling that they are experts.  How you handle this depends largely on the culture of your family (not their ethnic culture but simply the habits or “way” your family deals with conflict).  Sitting everyone down and explaining very clearly why the divorce is happening may help but it could turn out that you just have to accept the fact that for now they aren’t going to be on your side and put some safe emotional distance between you and them.

Contrarily; there is also a pattern to react almost to the opposite extreme and take such a vitriolic and negative attitude against your ex that it can cause problems for your children.  It’s hard sometimes for family to remember that even through your ex-wife may have treated you very poorly that she is still the mother of your children and that they love her.  Hearing disparaging comments about their mother from aunts, uncles and grandparents not only hurts and confuses your children – it can make the whole divorce process even harder for them.  I will say that this is even true of second marriages in which it is the step-mother whom you are divorcing.  While the relationship between children and step-parents can be difficult there is still, very often, a connection that develops there and the negative attitude of extended family towards her needs to be tempered around the kids.  Sometimes the only way to deal with this is a direct, head-on, approach in which you explain how these comments should NOT be shared with your children.  Sometimes people act without thinking and just need to have things spelled out.

Finally, you may notice an element of sympathy creep into your relationships with family members.  This can be expressed in treating you with kid gloves, a hesitation to talk about the ex or the marriage (even in past tense), or bringing over lots of meals or offering to help with housework.  Of course this is often just the great and good support that families provide each other in tough times and shouldn’t be seen as a problem.  But it can also be taken to extremes or begin to put you into a role as somehow extra fragile or needy.  My advice is to accept their care-giving but look for ways to return the favor.  If your sister offers to help you with some housework – fine, but then offer to change her oil or do some yard work in return (for example).  If you notice that hesitation to discuss the past with your ex then occasionally bring it up yourself in conversation – if they see that you are comfortable with it then they will be as well.

In short – with all of these responses and reactions by family the underlying principle often at work is a lack of understanding – remember that divorce – especially YOUR divorce is often a new experience for them and they are fumbling their way through it just like you probably are.  Open, honest communication, patience and time are the best way to deal with these things as well as an occasional dose of maintaining healthy boundaries.

Hope this helps!

Be well

Bill

So I have a question; how many of you believe in magic?  No I don’t mean the presto-chango, hey what’s that coin doing behind your ear, sleight of hand brand.  I’m talking about the “REAL STUFF” the kind of magic that Harry Potter would be proud of.  I’m just taking a shot in the dark here but I’d guess that very few of you believe that the Lord of the Rings was a docu-drama.  As adults most of us realize that the laws of physics that govern the real, physical world prohibit that kind of magic, sad as that may be.  The reality is that there is cause/effect that work/effort produces results and that without the one you can’t have the other.

That being established I’ve noticed a tendency of people coming out of a divorce to believe in what I will call the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.  Basically this belief is that once one gets a divorce all of his/her relationship problems are somehow resolved and future relationships are fulfilling, stable and wonderful.

I’ve mentioned a time or two on this blog that often the laws of physics have their parallels in the emotional/psychological/spiritual as well and this is a perfect example of that truth.  You can not have a result (i.e. a great relationship) with out work/effort (i.e. learning and doing what makes a relationship work).  Relationships – by their very nature – take two and while you can have one partner who is short-changing the relationship or engaging in relationship destroying behaviors more than the other it’s still true that we all have lessons to learn in this regard. 

Think of it this way – if you want to have a houseplant that is lush and green and healthy you have to learn what the plant needs and discipline yourself to consistently provide it with those requirements.  To the degree you fail to do those things the plant will suffer and in extreme cases it may die.  Well if the plant dies and you get rid of it and buy another don’t the same principles still apply?  Don’t you STILL need to learn what the plant needs and still endeavor to provide those things?  The basic laws of plant physiology don’t suddenly somehow change just because you have a new plant.

Yet, somehow, many divorced dudes come to believe something similar when the get a divorce.  They probably don’t think it through really but never the less they seem to assume that since they got rid of the “dead” relationship of their marriage that their next one will somehow be much different, much healthier even if they don’t bother to learn or change or do anything different.  In essence they believe in magic; that they will be able to reap results without putting in effort.  In short they believe in the Wonderful, Magical, Relational Transformation Effect.

Truth be told I really wish such a thing existed!  How great would that be eh?  Just wave a wand and “abbacadabra!!” poof! All your relational woes are gone.  Be a great thing if it were so – but, unfortunately, it isn’t and thus we have to put in the hard work and effort to learn how to conduct a healthy relationship and apply ourselves to putting those lessons into practice.  Yeah it’s not real easy but it DOES reap some pretty amazing rewards over time.

Hope this was helpful and as always . . .

Be Well!

Bill

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

This morning I woke up thinking about parasites, yeah, what a cheerful thought, huh? But I wasn’t thinking about your everyday parasites like leaches and ticks (well, not necessarily I suppose) rather those kind of people whether they are individuals or groups that have a tendency to attach themselves to others when their “chips are down”. At first they may present themselves as being concerned for you and your welfare or even some other mutual good cause but in the end you find they are just looking out for themselves. Naturally as you go through a divorce and for a time thereafter you are vulnerable to these types of people. You may or may not be approached by them and you may or may not succumb to their deceptions.

I think my point here is two fold; One to remind you that those people are out there and; Two to also remind you that even if you do succumb to their deceptions for awhile, don’t be too hard on yourself. Ok, you made a mistake, sure. But they hunted you down with skill and precision like a big game hunter hunting prey. They found you when you were most likely to be deceived and they  proceeded to do so to you. as I’ve been told on so many other matters, “You’ve got to learn to forgive yourself.” I think that is good advice. And may be a good place to start if you find yourself in this type of situation.

See ya later,

Russ

Hello dudesndivorce.com readers!

Have you ever bit into some real good looking piece of food only to find out that it wasn’t cooked all the way? Shocking, huh? And sort of gross too?

Perhaps you were so eager to eat it because it looked SOOO GOOD or maybe you haven’t eaten in a long time so you were extremely famished and JUST had to get something in your mouth and belly FAST!!! You know what I mean? Either way when you saw or tasted (or felt, yuch!!!) that raw food in your mouth you suddenly realized it would’ve been a better idea to wait until it was fully cooked, right?

It occurred to me last night that relationships can be a little like that, especially for us divorced dudes. If you’ve recently divorced and are about to experience a new relationship for the first time in a long time or if it has simply been a long time since you’ve delved into the dating scene it is easy to forget to slow down and let things develop or “cook” as they should. Some of us could have a tendency to rush headlong right into another relationship that may have the same problems we experienced with the last one or even worse ones!

Now I am not saying you can not find love again. Nor am I saying you can not find “love at first sight”, I am just advising that the post-divorce phase of a man’s life is a good time to take thing’s slow relationship-wise. To be a little cautious and patience with yourself, your feelings, and any significant other you may find. Again, as we have said before here at dudesndivorce.com, use and rely on your support systems, your friends and family, those you trust, for advice at this time in your life. Hopefully these people only want the best for you. Ultimately only you, of course, can make these important decisions but they can help!

See ya later,

Russ

I’ve been doing some thinking guys (never a safe thing) and given the uncertain economic times we find ourselves in and understanding that divorced men are especially vulnerable to such circumstances it seems like it might be a good time to introduce a new regular feature on our blog.  Basically what I’ve in mind is an on-going series of posts that give “survival tips” about how to get by on less.  The topics will vary across a broad range of subject matter from clipping coupons to putting in a small garden, from how to cut down on utility bills to ways to generate a bit of side income.  The individual posts will focus on individual topics instead of presenting a list of ideas; this way we will be able to share more details on the practical application side.  Some of the ideas may seem small or minimal money savers but the idea is that small savings add up quick.  Save a couple dollars a day and over the course of a year you have a nice Christmas for your kids or a nice added payment against the principle of your house or car loan.

We’ll also be encouraging each of you to share practical, money saving, advice as well.  Nearly everyone has a trick or two up their sleeve for saving a buck here or there.  Just respond in the comments section with your tip or idea so that everyone else can benefit.  If you send in an especially good, original idea we may even contact you and ask you to elaborate a bit by doing a guest post for us.  The idea here men is to help each other out a bit as we face these tough times.  Even those of us who have been doing the post-divorce thing for a while appreciate the occasional tip in this area and I know there are a lot of men still very new to it or who are really struggling due to a lack of employment and/or large child support and alimony judgments.  For them every dime they can squeeze out of their income is of huge importance! If you’d like you can leave the comment directly or you can send us an e-mail at divorced-dudes@dudesndivorce.com 

Finally; we’ll work on getting one of these up about every week although we’re going to focus more on quality than on quantity so we may have two on some weeks and none on others.  A lot of that will depend on the amount of input we get from our readers.

I’m excited about this idea and I really believe it has the potential to help all of us make it through these tough economic times in much better shape.

Be well!

Bill

When you reach the point that you feel you’re ready to get out into the dating world again one of the best ways to do so can be through an on-line personals site.  There are several good sites out there and many focus solely on individual local markets; meaning when you find the woman of your dreams she won’t be living a thousand miles away.  On-line dating also provides a means of stepping out slowly into the dating waters without getting in over your head too quickly; it allows you to meet people in a relatively safe environment and get to know them some before that first actual date.  But before you leap out into those waters just remember that there are hazards to beware of, while not common there ARE a few sharks!

First of all – obviously – remember that no matter whom you THINK you are talking to on-line you really don’t know.  The photo may not be of them, the profile may be a complete lie and their agenda may have nothing to do with romance.  Most sites will remove someone if complaints are made but few do any kind of meaningful screening of persons they allow to join.  It’s fairly rare but just remember as you proceed that this might just be a predator.

Second –  always meet for the first time in a public place and make sure someone else knows what you are doing.  A lot of men think that just because they’re a big strong manly man that they’ve nothing to fear from the sweet sounding young lady they’ve met on-line and have spoken with on the phone a few times.  The problem quite simply is that she may not be so sweet and it’s hard to win a fight with a gun or with some big bruiser who ambushes you.  Anyone you meet on-line who seems insistent on a private meeting initially should raise some red flags for you.  Not only is it just possible they may be up to no good but even if they aren’t they probably don’t have great judgment.  Dinner in a quite restaurant is a nice first date and relatively safe.

Third – be careful about giving out too much personal information.  Address, DOB, where you were born . . . these things can be used in identity theft.  Probably at some point you’ll need to give your phone number so you can talk rather than e-mail but I would only do so after you’ve chatted on-line for a few weeks.  I know most of us want to move a relationship forward a bit more quickly than that and some women may loose interest.  But unless you’re just looking for a quick roll in the sack you probably want to take the time to get to know this other person – and so will she.  After a couple or three weeks of  regular e-mails or IM’s if she still seems like someone you’re interested in then you are probably safe to give a phone number and start having actual conversations.  Again if she seems pushy – just walk away.

Fourth – be picky about the service you use; remember that the type of people you meet on-line is very dependant upon the type of site you are visiting/using.  It’s a lot like meeting people in social situations.  If you go to a strip club chances are slim you’ll find a lady you’d like to introduce to your kids or family.  The amount of respect a person has for themselves is reflected in the places they habituate and in how well they conduct themselves in a relationship.  Keep that in mind.

Fifth – When you post photos of yourself try to avoid including identifying information in the photo (for instance your mailbox in the background or a pic of you in the office w/ your name plate visible).  Also don’t show pics of your kiddos – while it’s a much bigger problem for women who do this than for men please keep in mind that not all pedophiles are male.  It’s also a bit embarrassing if your child’s teacher happens across your profile, or their friends mom . . .your children have a right to privacy as well.

Basically a bit of common sense and worldly wisdom goes a long way – while they may SEEM nice you really know next to nothing about who it is you are talking with – keep that in mind and you should do well.  On the up side I really do believe that on-line dating can be a great way to meet women and get back “in the saddle” as it were.  You have a lot more control over how fast things progress and how much of a risk you have to take.  I’ve met several wonderful women on-line over the years; some turned out to be just good friends, others just a few dates and nothing more.  You might even find the love of your life . . . if so I wish you the very best with that.

Hope this is of some help – I’m planning on an eventual post that reviews some of the sites I’ve tried.  Until then – Be Well!

Bill

Hey “Dudes”!

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been reading William Bennett’s Moral Compass lately.  I have a pretty stressful and intense job so I’ve been taking my lunch breaks as a chance to re-group and relax for a bit.  I just close the door, pull the Moral Compass off it’s shelf and enjoy reading a few pages while I eat.  The book is really wonderfully suited for that purpose since it’s mainly a collection of sayings, poems, short stories and such.  So far I’m still in the first section which is geared towards the moral instruction of children.  There is some REALLY great stuff in here!  And as I’ve read it I’ve seen two powerful applications for divorced men:

The first application is pretty direct; it’s a good source of inspiration and material for any father who cares about imparting a solid moral compass to his children.  As I’ve worked my way through it I’ve thought back to the time when my children were young and the things I did (or didn’t do) to instill the basic core values of our society into them. 

For those of us who are divorced the responsibility and opportunity to teach our children   positive values and the importance of a good moral character are made a bit more difficult.  The amount of available quality time, conflicting messages from their other parent and the general influence of a very materialistic society can make it seem like a constant up-hill battle.  While a lot of the stories or poems are pretty old they each contain a nugget or two of solid wisdom that are never out dated.  If your kiddos are young most of it is great material for bedtime stories – if they are older it gives some useful analogies that you can weave into your conversations with them (see my earlier post “Scars” ( http://dudesndivorce.com/2009/06/13/scars/  ). 

The second application is a bit more subtle; Lets face it – our society makes so much “noise” that sometimes it’s hard to even think.  We are assaulted day in and day out by such a withering barrage of ambiguity, situational ethics, self-centeredness and materialism that it’s easy to get out of touch with our own moral compass.  I’ve found it very affirming and satisfying to go back to the “lessons of my youth” and read or re-read stories that reinforce and amplify the direction of my own, internal Moral Compass.  While it’s been some time since I last went through a divorce I know very well how chaotic that process is and how often you are confronted with difficult moral and ethical choices;  I can’t help but think how refreshing it would be to read some of this material when going through that.

I found my copy in a flea market and paid $6 for it; probably any decent used book store would have a copy laying around for about the same.  I looked it up at Amazon and they have it starting even cheaper than the $6 I paid for it . . . I went ahead and put that up on our Amazon widget in case anyone is interested.

All in all a very good and useful book . . . can’t wait to continue reading it and letting you all know what I find!

Until next time – Be Well!

Bill